MIL self inviting herself to baby’s first birthday

[ILikeEggsAnd]

Hi a bit of background needed
My MIL and I don’t speak the same language so we use google translate (which sometimes can do a poor job of translation hence we are mostly relied on my DH to translate). When we visited her for 10 days with my 4 month DD, she was holding her all the time including when she was crying for me with outstretched hands. She would say “Oh you want mummy” and turn away from me :( I told my DH but he just said “Let her cry, it’s only for 10 days then you’ll get her again”. I hated this and yes he’s the kind of dad who will choose to spend time on his phone than play with baby.

MIL was competitive and would get sad if the baby didn’t smile at her. She wanted DD 24hrs even though it was so visible my baby was crying for me and if I’d take her, she’d take her back. I got her only for night sleep and to breast feed her. After that awful vacation, I’ve decided never to visit her home again.
Besides, she already has a daughter of her own who stays nearby and she has three grandkid’s already so this behaviour isn’t justified.

The problem is she keeps self inviting herself and mentioning she will attend our DDs first birthday (due this August). I’m so scared she will again do this and wreck the birthday. What should I do?

My DH doesn’t seem like the guy to stand up as he even allowed his sisters family to be racist towards me and he won’t say a word to them :(

Somewhere on a foreign language equivalent to Grandsnet there is a thread "my DIL who doesn't speak my language came to visit when my grandbaby was 4 months old and she only ever took the baby for breastfeeding. Even when the baby was crying and reaching out to my DIL, DIL made no effort to take the baby back and I didn't feel I could just hand it back as I didn't want to look uncaring or like I was only willing to help and give DIL a break when the baby was contented. I really want to be at my grandchild's first birthday but am worried my DIL will dump the baby on me for the whole visit again. My son is no help."

I mean, maybe not, but I think you have a massive failure to communicate here, which isn't hugely surprising given the lack of a common language, but as PP said, why don't you just take the baby back each time?!?

I have a friend whose wife’s mum is VERY involved when she is here. Basically, she takes over care of the baby for the duration of her stay.

What seems overbearing to my friend is the cultural norm for his wife. Could it be something similar in this situation?

The racism needs to be dealt with but I wouldn’t exclude MIL from the birthday party.

Stand up for yourself. Don’t let go of the baby, what will she do, pull her out of your arms? Tell your husband he’s a wanker.

So EVERYTHING is mums fault. Overbearing MIL who disregards babies needs and cries. Mums fault. Useless husband. Mums fault. 🙄

YABU, this is your child’s grandparent, who would even think they would have to be invited, it would be a given surely. If you have a DS in future OP, you will be a MIL one day, how would you feel if you weren’t invited to your grandsons birthday? Speak up if MIL is upsetting you, but don’t exclude her, no good will come from that, it could ultimately affect your marriage. Good luck.

With kindness, you need to do some work, maybe with a therapist, about implementing boundaries. If you can’t put them even when your baby is crying for you, that would to me signify it’s something you really struggle with. If you don’t sort this, you’re setting your child up terribly by not role modelling boundaries and they’ll grow up and be treated like you in relationships, where your needs and wants don’t matter and never come first. Once you’ve worked on boundary setting then the first person you need to practice them with is your partner.

I don't think she's wrong to expect to come for her granddaughters 1st birthday but all her other behaviour is way out of order. It's OK to put your foot down about this in future - you need to establish boundaries. You're mum, not her.

Hi she’s from Croatia

She’s from Croatia

Don't understand why everyone thinks (a) you have to have a party for someone's first birthday (b) that grandparents have to be invited to such events. Neither is true. As parents, you get to decide how and if you want to celebrate the anniversary of YOU GIVING BIRTH. You could well decide to go off together for a family holiday, for example.
You haven't been very clear about what your MIl is expecting... is she planning to stay in your home? How long does she plan to stay for? Is there enough space for this?

assuming she does turn up, because your DH has now invited her, you don't have to let her hold the baby at all. You could keep it in a sling all the time. Atttached to you. Surely she wouldn't physically drag the child out of the sling?! That would give you a lot more control, and let you set some clear boundaries - eg "I will give you the baby to hold for 10 minutes but then I'll need her back" - why not learn some handy Croatian phrases in advance of her arrival?

Well said!

just let her come, a one year old is a lot different than a new born

mrsbyers · Today 15:34
I think she should be at the party and it’s unfair you feel she shouldn’t”

Why? No-one is obliged to tolerate bad behaviour because someone is a “relative”.

OP. Only word you need in her language is no.

Normal for her to be at the birthday but make sure you're surrounded by lots of people and ready to stand up to her yourself! It's so hard if you're non confrontational but you can find the strength by reminding yourself that your job is to advocate for your child.

The child should learn her father’s mother tongue. Not to teach her that is to deny her a huge part of her heritage. So therefore the OP should try to learn it a bit otherwise she may be unable to understand some conversations. And it would obviously help with dealing with her MIL.

You need to take your child back, literally take her out of MILs arms if you need to. If MIL is staying with you, you need to arrange to be out with your baby, without MIL, even if it means leaving the house at 7am to spend the day in a friend's house.

Sorry your husband is so unsupportive of you and your daughter, but you need to respond if she's crying for you.

Of all the bilingual families I know (language teacher so I’m very invested!) if the father has a different language, the dc haven’t learned it. Just an aside.

Of course she should be at the party if you are having a party . She’s going to be one , she won’t be picked up and hung onto like a 4 month old either. Completely different. And I can’t understand why you just never took her off her if she was crying . You don’t need your husband to do this , you should .

Your DH goes on his phone rather than plays with his baby and allows his family to use racist language about you? Have a DH problem.

@ILikeEggsAnd tell her there is no room for her to stay with you!! you arent having a birthday party anyway!