AIBU to step down from being a bridesmaid?

[Idontwanttobeherbridesmaid]

A friend asked me to be her bridesmaid last summer and ai was flattered to be asked and said yes without really thinking about it. Since then I’ve had massive second thoughts and the reasons are:

1. the outfit doesn’t fit me and I have to lose weight to get into it (it’s off the peg and I don’t know how easily it can be adjusted. The size bigger was just as unflattering. Also I can’t wear a bra with it. I’m trying to lose weight but am menopausal and it’s just not coming off.
2. I’m the oldest bridesmaid and the thought of being photographed and seen next to the other, younger and more glamorous bridesmaids absolutely terrifies me.
3. I have to get dh to do a two hour round trip to drop me at the venue in the morning as I have to get ready with the others
4. I just feel I’m too old for all this shit

Would it be terrible to ask the bride if I could drop out? I feel awful, I should have said no when I tried the outfit on but I didn’t have the heart to as my friend was so excited and I thought ‘ah well I’ll just lose weight’ however the weight is refusing to come off 🤦‍♀️

I feel really vain and horrible about this but it’s really worrying me and the whole thing is making me feel sick.

No, just tell her you'd rather come as a guest. If she's your friend, she'll understand.

If it’s off the peg, can you return for the bigger size and get it taken in? There’s no law that says you all need to get ready together, just say you’ll be along later.

If she's a good friend she will understand . My sister was going to be my bridesmaid and she was completely honest from the start and said she'd be really uncomfortable. She was basically forced to be bridesmaid for two SILs and she hated it and knew she could be honest with me . I'd never want her to do something she wasn't happy with . She still got ready with us all and helped out in parts but without the pressure and wearing something she didn't want to .

Just be absolutely honest and tell her everything you've said to us here. I'd be heartbroken if my friend had been putting herself through hell trying to lose weight for a dress and worrying.

If she hasn’t forked out for the dress it’s fine to say would u mind if I just attended as a guest
maybe u can help in another way
a reading or hand out confetti or something similar

She has paid for the dress but obviously I’d reimburse her.

Sorry when I said obviously I didn’t mean that sarcastically at you @Lockupyourbiscuits 😄

I pulled out for a similar reason and when I saw the bridesmaids and their dresses ( I hadn’t even seen them, the bride was just going to get one for me) I had never felt so relieved.

It’s supposed to be fun. If it’s not fun you don’t do it. Maybe you could offer another role such as reading a poem or helping with flowers?

You could politely drop out but do so ASAP so she can replace you.
Have you thought of asking whether you could choose a different style of dress, given that you are older.
Could DH not fill in his day being useful and finding something interesting while you are getting ready?

It was rather thoughtless that your friend bought a dress that was the wrong size in the first place.

I think the only thing you can do is tell her, and offer to pay for the dress.

Other people seem to feel YANBU, so maybe IABU, but I find this really sad. It’s your friend’s wedding. If it’s someone you actually care about, can’t you just focus on her and celebrating a nice occasion, rather than your looks? I agree with the PP who said exchange the dress for a size bigger and get it altered, obviously it needs to fit. But do you want to keep living your life like this? If you’re really that uncomfortable with your weight that it’s going to stop you doing stuff, IMO it would be good to address that, either by losing some weight, or by accepting that this is you now and making the most of how you look at this weight, and tbh reassessing your priorities a bit and putting more focus on other people and being a good friend and celebrating joyful occasions and less on obsessing about your insecurities.

You'd be massively unreasonable to just say "I'm not doing it" without talking to your friend about your concerns first.

If you could have a different dress to the others @Idontwanttobeherbridesmaid would you do that? Can you not stay nearer the night before so you don't have to get dh to drive you in the morning?

@Harara thank you for your insightful post. You are right and this is why I feel so wretched about the whole thing - a combination of feeling so flipping annoyed at myself for my insecurities (they go back many years, in fact I had an ED in my teens and twenties) so trying to unravel it all now is probably a bad idea). I totally agree this is my lovely friend’s big special day and I hate the thought of letting her down. I’m. Not normally flaky - I actually hate flakiness - which is another reason why I’m in such a conflict and up until now have been telling myself just to get on with it and suck it up. As the day’s getting nearer I’m finding myself fretting more and more!

@MassiveOvaryaction having a different outfit won’t be possible unfortunately as there aren’t any complementing styles and I’d stick out even more! I would absolutely explain to her and probably buy her a bottle of her favourite wine to enhance the apology.

Is the next size up still available?

Princess Catherine wore a beautiful non bridesmaid outfit to her sisters wedding as she was matron of honour( chief bridesmaid) . I wonder if you could have a chat regarding outfit choice as I’m sure she’ll really want you to be there on the day to support her etc. could be a long cocktail dress with matching jacket the same colour as bridesmaids.

Ah fair. I've been to weddings where chief (older) bridesmaid wore a different outfit to the rest but same colour. Also another where all were wearing different styles/colours. But maybe that doesn't suit your/your friend's style.

And I can see it's about much more than what you're wearing. A good friend will understand

I’m the oldest bridesmaid and the thought of being photographed and seen next to the other, younger and more glamorous bridesmaids absolutely terrifies me.

I would regard being the brides oldest friend (i.e. for the longest time) as an honour. There's nothing you can do about being older, but glamorous? That's surely in the eye of the beholder or how you're feeling about yourself.

Would you feel happier if you had a dress you felt great in? If this is your oldest friend, and you're willing to do the foot work and pay for additional costs, surely she'd accommodate you?

I can understand how you feel. It would be like me (53) being a BM alongside all my young adult nieces, they just ooze chutzpah and I wouldn't want to try and fit in with them, I'd want to be myself. I know what looks good on me.

Apart from anything else, it is NOT reasonable to expect someone to not wear a bra. I have teeny boobs, and a bra gives the wee girls a bit of shape.

Thank you @CharlotteBog that’s a nice way of putting it however two of the BMs are her sisters. I’ve got small boobs too and an underwired padded one is the only kind to give me any shape and oompf. I know I’m going to feel like a shapeless sack of spuds. Such a shame as I have so many lovely flattering outfits which would make me feel great. I really can’t rock up wearing anything different - that would make me feel worse and even more of an anomaly!

*Her sisters are quite a bit younger than her btw

You sound so lovely, I really want you to feel good about yourself.

It would not be terrible to drop out per se, but it would be sad to feel you can't talk to the bride to find a way that makes you both happy.

YANBU I got married recently and would absolutely accept this and your reasons, I'd never want my closest friends/family to feel uncomfortable at my wedding.

I chose the colour for my bridesmaids but then they all chose their own dresses, and had the choice of where to get ready in the morning.

I've been a bridesmaid a few times and hated the 6am wake up for group hair/make up etc when the wedding wasn't until the afternoon 😂

When is the wedding?

I do think YABU for pulling out for the reasons you have. Get a dress that fits. Ask for reasonable adjustments eg can you get a cover up?

Have you been a bridesmaid before? No one really gives a crap about you as a bridesmaid is the reality, they are all looking at the bride!

Honestly I think you will feel worse about yourself on the day as a guest, looking over at the happy group of bridesmaids, feeling like a failure because you couldn't do it. Sorry if that's tough love but I really think you need to have a word with yourself and push through this.x

I think you should speak to her.
Forget losing weight just for this occasion, it's not worth the stress.

Get the dress in a size bigger and get it altered to fit your actual body. If you have small boobs but want the bra for shape have you looked into stick on type bras? I used one for an event once and it was absolutely fine as a one off.

Ask her if you'd mind getting ready separately to the other bridesmaids given the inconvenience.

The other things you can overcome as they're about your self confidence. Why are you being so down on yourself?

If it was me I would feel more miserable on the day knowing I'd dropped out, than if I was doing my best not to let my insecurities take over and celebrating my friend.

No bra? No dice!
Goodness me. There's no way I would appear at a formal occasion without foundation garments. What on earth is the Bride thinking?
I wouldn't even take the bins out without a bra on.