AIBU to step down from being a bridesmaid?

[Idontwanttobeherbridesmaid]

A friend asked me to be her bridesmaid last summer and ai was flattered to be asked and said yes without really thinking about it. Since then I’ve had massive second thoughts and the reasons are:

1. the outfit doesn’t fit me and I have to lose weight to get into it (it’s off the peg and I don’t know how easily it can be adjusted. The size bigger was just as unflattering. Also I can’t wear a bra with it. I’m trying to lose weight but am menopausal and it’s just not coming off.
2. I’m the oldest bridesmaid and the thought of being photographed and seen next to the other, younger and more glamorous bridesmaids absolutely terrifies me.
3. I have to get dh to do a two hour round trip to drop me at the venue in the morning as I have to get ready with the others
4. I just feel I’m too old for all this shit

Would it be terrible to ask the bride if I could drop out? I feel awful, I should have said no when I tried the outfit on but I didn’t have the heart to as my friend was so excited and I thought ‘ah well I’ll just lose weight’ however the weight is refusing to come off 🤦‍♀️

I feel really vain and horrible about this but it’s really worrying me and the whole thing is making me feel sick.

Get yourself on the Cambridge diet, you’ll fit into that dress and feel a whole lot better, put your big girl knickers on and pull yourself together.
Get an Uber to the house and have some fun getting ready with the others. Your DH can trot along later.
It’s not all about you and It’s just for a few hours. We’ve all worn awful bridesmaid outfits, just grin & bear it

You get cups sewn into the dress instead of a bra.

Can you share the style of the dress?

I’d get a bigger dress and a competent seamstress to not only make it fit well but add some structure to the bust area - then you should feel much more confident in it.

Just to say- well done! Get the bigger dress and adjust (could even add a bolero or jacket so you can wear a bra), then take another outfit to get changed afterwards. I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if a bridesmaid was wearing a slightly different dress, especially if there was a difference in age or body type. I’m sure you’ll look amazing anyway, and as long as you and your friend enjoy the day who bloody cares anyway! It’s a wedding not an edition of Britain’s next top model!

Since you're older could you ask for maid of honour status and choose a completely different dress/2 piece suit in a similar colour?

Great idea. My MIL did this - formal mother of the groom suit to the ceremony and dinner, and more relaxed dress for the evening do.

I think YABU not to go and focus on your friend’s special day for the sake of your appearance, as a PP has said. It doesn’t sound fun for you to not be able to enjoy things like this. Plus if ever there’s a time where people won’t be looking at you it’s someone else’s wedding! Literally no one will be thinking any of the things you think of yourself anyway, but especially on a day where the focus is all on someone else .

If you can, maybe get the size up and go to a good seamstress. They can take it in to make it flattering, add some cups etc. I got my wedding dress a size up and it was like a sack and then a seamstress worked magic on it and everyone said it was the perfect dress but much of it was to do with her altering.

edited as I forgot to add that I was ready to fully support you if it was because you were being asked to pay money you couldn’t afford, or you had responsibilities at home that you couldn’t cover, or she was horrible or something but this seems like a reason that’s not worth missing something which could be really fun. Being a bridesmaid is stressful the day of the wedding is the most fun part!

Im glad you've made a decision OP, but really don't feel pushed into being a traditional bridesmaid if you don't want to.

The bits of the role that the bride relies on are for help with getting ready, support, help with varying bits of the organisation/ceremony, etc. All of this can be done while wearing your own clothes

I am assuming by "drop out" you just mean you don't want to stand at the front in a daft dress? Not that you won't go at all?

Go to the early pre-wedding bit with the other bridesmaids, then just sit in the front row and smile supportively. If you've been there for all the other bits, I really don't see what difference being a few feet further back and sitting down will practically make

Take yourself and the larger dress to a decent bra shop, i.e. M&S / John Lewis / Rigby & Peller. They will find a suitable bra for you for the dress.

I think it’s really hard but I also think you’ll regret backing out. I get it - I’m add odd shape. Short with big boobs and also as the years have gone on, overweight. The result being getting anything off the peg is a flippin nightmare.

however my best mate who is stunning asked me to be her BM, alongside her other very beautiful friends. Hated the dress tbh, also hated the colour, did naff all for me.

However, I just sucked it up because she meant more to me than the dress in the day. I took no photos for my own memories in that dress but I’m so pleased I have my own memories of the day and spending her special day with her. She didn’t need to hear about my insecurities, it’s just one day, I just had to suck it up. Nobody is looking at the BM’s anyway.

You sound like you really care for your friend, so just remember it’s just one day. Wear a little shawl/pashmina to feel more covered if that helps?

I don’t blame you

nobody wants to be bridesmaid when you’re 40+

My friend had this exact issue last year, however it was a younger sister who had bullied her into allowing her to buy these hideous golden dresses. They ordered XL with the intention of getting them fitted. However when they arrived they were at least 2 sizes too small for my friend and suspiciously the sisters dress was a perfect fit.
my friend starved herself for months and eventually had to admit to the bride there was no way she was getting into the dress. Bride was very understanding. Turned out another bm was in the same boat. So the sister and one other bm wore the hideous dress, and my friend and other bm got new dresses. Sister threw massive strop at the new dresses. new dresses looked beautiful in the end. I would just admit to the bride, I’m sure she will understand. You shouldn’t have to worry about this.

It’s simple to me, life is too short to do stuff you really don’t want to do. I would drop out.

Well done OP. Also love the idea of get changed after the pics so you are comfy.