AIBU to step down from being a bridesmaid?

[Idontwanttobeherbridesmaid]

A friend asked me to be her bridesmaid last summer and ai was flattered to be asked and said yes without really thinking about it. Since then I’ve had massive second thoughts and the reasons are:

1. the outfit doesn’t fit me and I have to lose weight to get into it (it’s off the peg and I don’t know how easily it can be adjusted. The size bigger was just as unflattering. Also I can’t wear a bra with it. I’m trying to lose weight but am menopausal and it’s just not coming off.
2. I’m the oldest bridesmaid and the thought of being photographed and seen next to the other, younger and more glamorous bridesmaids absolutely terrifies me.
3. I have to get dh to do a two hour round trip to drop me at the venue in the morning as I have to get ready with the others
4. I just feel I’m too old for all this shit

Would it be terrible to ask the bride if I could drop out? I feel awful, I should have said no when I tried the outfit on but I didn’t have the heart to as my friend was so excited and I thought ‘ah well I’ll just lose weight’ however the weight is refusing to come off 🤦‍♀️

I feel really vain and horrible about this but it’s really worrying me and the whole thing is making me feel sick.

Get the bigger dress, have it altered and be there for your friend. YABU

Thank you to each and everyone for your replies - according to the poll I can see that the balance swings towards me NOT being unreasonable, however the fact that there is quite a big question mark over my being unreasonable towards someone I hold in massively high esteem is enough to persuade me that I really should do the right thing and get over myself for a few hours 🤣. There are some dresses left in the bigger size, which I’m sure can be altered, so I’m going to order one as a fall back in case I can’t get into the smaller one. I’m also going to use this as an excuse to get my hair, nails and tan done beforehand - things I don’t usually do - and go with the flow.
Thanks again x

Well done getting the larger size. Also look into strapless bra options, or alterations that allow some kind of bra to be worn. Worried on your behalf OP!

I cannot for the life of me understand any Bride who buys her bridemaids dresses in too small a size or a standard size and expects them to lose weight. It's just bizarre. Just chose dresses that come in enough sizes to fit all your bridemaids you loony brides!!

Another thought might be just to wear the bridesmaids dress for The ceremony and then change for the evening? Into something you feel more comfortable with.

Not unreasonable to pull out as long as you reimburse her for any costs she’s incurred. However, although your reasons are sound are you sure the problems aren’t insurmountable? As other PP’s have suggested, get the bigger size and get it altered? Get a different but similar dress in the same colour? If you just tell the bride you don’t feel comfortable in the dress surely if she’s a friend she’ll understand and try to help you reach a solution? Ditto with the arrangements for getting ready. Just explain it’s inconvenient for your husband, sort out your own hair and makeup and come along when you are ready. Or travel with the bride or another of the bridesmaids?
Not unreasonable if a solution can’t be reached.

I’ve sewn cups into dresses in the past to give some boob structure where a bra is not possible but if it’s a nightie style satin number that wouldn’t work at all. Rigby and Peller used to do all sort of wizardry with corsetry though so a squiz on their website might bring inspiration?

Ordinarily I’d say just have a chat with her but brides often try to have matching numbers of groomsmen so by ducking out you could cause other issues. Any way to find out?

Find a local seamstress after ordering the bigger size @Idontwanttobeherbridesmaid . I think a seamstress can do wonders.

Hello, I dropped out of being my good friend’s bridesmaid because I was pregnant and felt ridiculous in the dress. Instead I did all the duties of the bridesmaid before the wedding, helped where I could with the organising, made the wedding favours etc (hen party happened before I dropped out) just the ceremonial part on the day I didn’t do. She was absolutely fine about it and even thanked me in the speech! If she’s a good friend, she’ll understand.

One of my bridesmaids insisted I buy the smaller size as she was 'definitely' going to lose weight. I wanted to buy the bigger size. Guess who had to squeeze into her dress and asked me if she could change immediately after the ceremony?

Oh gosh I feel for you! Why don’t you show your friend the post, it might be easier than trying to explain. It would be ironic if she had included you as bridesmaid because she thought you would be gutted not to be one. It might be absolutely lovely for her to have some one with her on the day who can reassure her, help out the other bridesmaids, carry her lipstick and safety pins and generally enjoy the day with out feeling self conscious. Good luck

My longest standing friend didn't want to be a bridesmaid in a frock, she said it just wasn't her thing but she was a bridesmaid in every other way. She was a rock on the day, by my side while we faffed about and when I was nervous, she helped me dress and change for going away etc and I was so grateful. If you can summon the courage to speak to the bride then maybe an offer to help like this might suit you both.

I don't know why anyone over the age of 10 would want to be a bridesmaid. It's so much hassle.

I've been a bridesmaid 5 times; once under 10 yo, all the others as an adult.
As a girl I remember the giddy excitement, the beautiful dress and having lots of attention.
As an adult it has been a privilege to have been asked (best friend and 3 sisters) and not a hassle at all (in fact I loved that I didn't need to find a dress to wear!). All have been quite different, but none of the brides have been monsters.
One sister did get a bit carried away: could I grow my hair for the wedding - no, and could I wear a padded bra so my dress (which had been made to measure so his fault if he didn't measure me properly) fitted better - also no.

It was also so lovely to help the younger bridesmaids as an adult one.

My sister was my bridesmaid. She didn't have any "duties", she just walked down the aisle behind me holding a bouquet of flowers. I didn't need any help getting ready. In fact, I was a little annoyed that she used up all the hot water because she had a bath before me.

I felt this exact way about going on a hen do this past weekend, I knew I was the biggest (size 16)because we all had to give our sizes weeks prior for t-shirts being made. Ever since that moment I didn't want to go, I just felt awful, I pushed myself to go and on the hen do and I got pally with another hen and I told how I'd felt self conscious coming knowing I was gonna be the biggest, and she said she felt the exact same way, she was slightly smaller than me I'd say. But it just shows everyone has their own insecurities going on they don't even notice yours.

Brides mum said she felt conscious of the fact she was the oldest. But actually we all just had a great time.

Thats brilliant well done for putting friendshio first. You sound a great friend and thats why she wants you there.

YABU to keep it going on so close to the wedding.

My oldest friend of 30+ years withdrew from being my bridesmaid six months before our wedding with similar reasons to you. By that point I had paid for her dress, hair, makeup deposits and her room at the venue for the night before (it was originally the year before but had to postpone due to covid) so she had plenty of opportunities to tell me she wasn’t comfortable. Also when I asked her to be bridesmaid I said that I would find her another role if she wasn’t comfortable but she assured me she was. Did your friend ask you similar questions?

I feel that the longer you put it off talking to your friend the worse it’ll be received. She will likely have paid for things for you that you’re unaware of, like I did, such as bridesmaid robes, gifts etc.

Trust me your friend would prefer you to be comfortable on the day than dreading it but you need to be honest with her now! Weddings are stressful and expensive as they are.

Braless wouldn't work for me - only one boob due to mastectomy - would look very odd! Obviously you don't have this problem though. Agree with others who suggested getting a local seamstress to alter the dress to fit and possibly depending on the style adding some boob support, like a sort of bra sewn into the inside of the dress.

It does sound rather inconsiderate to choose a dress that women can't wear a bra under.

It was very inconsiderate of her to buy that dress.

I'd send her my very best wishes, offer to do any behind the scenes organizing or prep that she would like you to do, and regretfully drop out of the official role. You could say you're having hot flashes from hell and feel horribly self-conscious.

I really cannot understand why a bride would buy one of her bridesmaids a dress that is far too small. I don’t see why you should reimburse her when she bought the wrong dress. If it can be exchanged, fair enough if you’ve decided to go through with being bridesmaid.

My thoughts exactly. You sound like a great friend. I would buy the bigger sorry dress and get it adjusted, look at what bra could be sewn in, etc. As you said, get your hair and nails done, and hopefully, you should feel great!

Can you change into an outfit of your own choosing once the photos have been taken? then bin the dress

I agree. Seems like all your hesitations about being a bridesmaid hinge on this dress and how you look, which is really sad. She chose you because she loves you and wants to share this special time with you, it seems a shame to waste this opportunity because you don’t like a dress and you’re worried you’ll look ugly next to the other bridesmaids - your friend obviously doesn’t think so.