MIL problems since having baby - AIBU?

[AquaPearl9]

Hi all

Ever since having my baby who is 9 weeks old, I feel increasingly uncomfortable around my MIL but I don’t know if I’m being sensitive.

First of all, everytime I take my baby to see MIL, she takes her either from me or removes her from the pram or car seat without asking. At first I didn’t think anything of this but the more it happened the more I realised she is the only person who does this. My own mother would never do this nor would any other family members. I think I really noticed it when she woke her up while she was fast asleep in her car seat, I was so upset as she was comfortable where she was and we had literally just stepped in the house. She isn’t a doll nor is she her property. This always happens within seconds of me walking in her house, she doesn’t acknowledge me anymore, just immediately takes the baby from me.

When she takes her from me without asking, she then takes her off into other rooms, usually while I’m busy so that she has her “all to herself”. I feel uncomfortable about this as I can’t see or hear my baby while she whisks her off elsewhere and she is still so young. I think she thinks she is doing me a favour but the more she does it, the more nervous I am and I think it’s totally out of order separating a baby from their mother without permission. Again, no other family members have done this. I have caught her kissing the baby on the lips - I told my partner who said he didn’t notice at the time but seemed quite upset when I told him. We feel strongly about not kissing babies on lips, I told him in the hope that he would say something politely to her but in all honestly I don’t think he ever would. There have been times when I have been feeding the baby (I am EBF), soon as she is finished her feed, here comes MIL taking her straight from me without me even burping her or seeing that she is ok. She never asks, she just takes her away and I stupidly let her. She will also pass the baby around to other people without asking, including very young children who I definitely don’t want holding the baby without my supervision.

Now this is where I’m not sure if I’m being sensitive but she has recently started insulting me in front of other people, criticising things I can’t change about myself that I won’t go into detail but I feel she is trying to create competition and is bitter about something so is using it against me and trying to put me down.

Has anyone experienced this since having a Baby? It seems to be getting worse everytime I see her and I feel so uncomfortable. My MIL is a strong character and others have made comments about her. I have always accepted her for who she was but now I feel like she acts totally weird around the baby and is so possessive as if it is her daughter. I get so anxious the days leading up to seeing her then afterwards I can’t stop thinking about all the inappropriate things she has done or said. I am worried about how to approach this with my partner because after all, it is his mother and I don’t want to cause any upset as we have never had any issues in the past (Years of biting my tongue!)

You need to say no...

You simply need to say no.
When she reaches for baby - 'she is staying here for now'

when she goes to pick her from pram /car seat asleep - 'she is sleeping there right now, please leave her'

when she's going into another room - 'can you please stay in here mil together'

You need to start standing up for yourself (and your baby). It might be hard in the beginning if you are not used to it but you have to learn it yourself take care of your baby. And tell your DH he needs to stand up for you three and tell his mom to back off when she keeps crossing the line.

Stop going to see her. If she wants to see the baby she waits to be invited to yours and then you call all the shots. Tell your partner to grow a spine and to ensure she treats you with some respect and consideration. Or I would be telling her to fuck off frankly.

I've voted YABU because you're sitting back and letting it happen. She's your baby and you need to speak up for her.

I could have written your post myself.

It took 6 months for my partner to have a word with her about her behaviour. It was way too little too late and I can't forgive how she acted. I've never had any sort of acknowledgement or apology from her.

I'm now overdue with my second and I don't want her anywhere near me.

I won't stop her having a relationship with my children but I have no involvement in facilitating that and use time when she visits as time for myself.

Everyone is too scared to call out her bad behaviour and tiptoes around her. Once I decided to stop bothering with her my anxiety got better. I have no desire to see her at this late stage of pregnancy, it isn't worth the stress.

Good luck. Sadly not an uncommon experience.

What does your partner say when she insults you?

You say you have never had any issues before, but had years of biting your tongue. Now is the time to speak out.

How often do you visit?

She's obviously being massively unreasonable but I don't really understand how she's taking the baby literally from your arms. My response would be "what are you doing?", and just not letting go if someone just walked over and tried to take my baby.

Stop visiting her. Invite her to yours less.

To be fair, if you have bitten your tongue for years, your MIL may not realise she's upsetting you.

Today is the day you say NO!, thank you. Tell her bluntly that you are feeling uncomfortable, that having your child removed is not on, and it won't be happening in future. Or follow her into the other room and take YOUR baby back.

Buy a sling and put baby in it so she physically can't interfere.

If she continues with her behaviour, stop going to see your MIL. When she undermines you, pick up your baby & leave. Block her on your phone. Keep your doors locked.

You are an adult. You are your baby's protector. Time to make a stand.

I know it’s easier said than done but you really just need to say no and stick up for yourself x

You tell her NO. Baby is staying with ME. Any rude remarks, you icily say “I beg your pardon?” I’m afraid you have made a rod for your own back being so passive this far, put your foot down before it goes further. You’re in charge of your own child.

My MIL and my own mother have been weird since I had babies. I think there is some jealousy / competition there. It's really sad and annoying, especially when you just need some support.
My MiL was always interfering and trying to show me 'how it's done', my own mum was weird and got really defensive and angry whenever I did something differently to how she would have done it.
Exhausting really. I'd look at friends who's mums really were genuinely helpful and caring and and feel really put out.
Set up some boundaries. You are well within your rights to be sensitive - it's not you who should change it's them.

YABU - your mil is excited and wants to be hands on. She has no idea she’s upsetting you or that you’d like her to act differently. You’re not engaging with her at all. You’re not speaking up.

You are the mother and you need to lead the situation and jump in sooner.

“Hi MIL, baby’s sleeping in her car seat and she really needs it, so we’ll pop her down here for the moment whilst we have a quiet cup of tea”

”wait up MiL I need to burp her first, or shall I show you how she prefers it”

”no need to wander off with her, let’s sit down in the sitting room”

”baby is so comfortable with me right now, I don’t want to disturb her, I’ll let you have a cuddle in a bit”

She sounds very difficult, but you will make life easier for yourself in the long run by being calmly assertive now. My MIL used to make comments about how I did things, especially breastfeeding. At first I just hid away for feeds and felt anxious. Things improved when I started standing my ground.

You don’t have to do it in an argumentative way, just firmly: it’s time for their nap now, and take baby back.

If she criticises, you could start with the Mumsnet standard: did you mean to be so rude?

Why would you just stand their like a limp lettuce whilst she prizes YOUR baby out of your arms or pram and takes her away?

Unless you find your backbone then this will continue.

She is taking advantage of your nature to feed her desire for power and control. As scary as it might seem you’re going to have to set strong boundaries now. For example
“Don’t take her out of her car seat please she’s happy in there, I’ll get her out when she’s ready”.
”If you’re leaving the room I’ll take the baby, I like to keep her close to me given how little she is”.
“No kissing on the lips, it’s not safe”.
“Do you mean to be so rude by talking about my appearance?”.
Any sign she’s not respecting your boundaries and you must say
“We’re off now. Bye”. No explanation, no bargaining, just a clear communication through action that her not respecting your boundaries equals her not getting to see you all. After a few times she’ll get a clear message that she has to behave herself. If you don’t see these boundaries now I’m afraid to say you’re destined for a life of stress and anxiety. Good luck.

Speaking as someone who's put up with years of this type of bullshit I'd advise to grow a backbone now, otherwise you might be in for years of stress and resentment.

I wish I'd spoke out earlier because my relationship with my in laws is damaged beyond repair.

Your MIL is doing what you allow

Baby is asleep leave them be
Baby is feeding you may hold later
Tell her to sit down and you pass her the baby .

Start taking back control. Your babyz your rules. DH will work it out.

I think you need to stand up for your baby and yourself here op. It doesn't have to be a battle, just to assert that you are her mother and you do mind when she does these things.

Just walked in - leave her there I'd like her to sleep for a bit, let's have a cuppa in peace while we can.

Just finished feeding, she goes to take her - shift position, cuddle baby over shoulder, stand up etc, make conversation with mil for a minute. Then ask if she'd like a hold, carry on convo so she doesn't walk off.

Kissing - politely but firmly say it - mil, can you please not kiss baby's lips/face, we (note the 'we') don't like it while she's so young and vulnerable. Any pushback, just repeat.

Don't apologise.

I once chased my (lovely, but overenthusiastic) mil down the street so I could walk with her when I realised she had taken my 2 week old baby out in the pram without even saying anything to me or dh. Mad of us both, perhaps, but she didn't overstep like that again...

My heart goes out to you OP. You sound lovely and I know how difficult it is to start being assertive if you've bitten your tongue for years.

However, it's crucial to set boundaries now with your MIL Your daughter's lifelong wellbeing depends on it, as well as your own. In a nutshell, this means you say no to everything you've mentioned in your OP, and you stick to it.

I leaned all about boundaries in my 30s when I allowed myself to be treated badly in a relationship. I educated myself about what reasonable boundaries were and how to assert them. It was the start of the rest of my life.

You can do this too OP. It will be so empowering and liberating to feel in control of your interactions with your MIL. All your anxieties and rumination will stop once your boundaries are firmly in place and are non-negotiable.

Just be prepared for pushback from MIL - and, crucially, ignore it. One of the most valuable lessons I learned was "people with weak boundaries often react badly when people with strong boundaries assert those boundaries". You may get tears, anger, tantrums, pleading, sulking, silent treatment, insults etc from your MIL and she may go crying to your partner. Ignore it all, however difficult you may find it to start with. It is essential for your and your daughter's long-term health and happiness that you do this.

You can do this OP. All the very best.

Use your voice. If you don't want your MIL to take your DD just say no. If she ignores your requests, pack up and leave her house - and tell her why and that her behaviour towards you and your DD needs to improve or youll be limiting visits. I get she might be an overexcited gran but her excitement should not be at the expense of your wellbeing.

And your DH needs to back you up!

Yup, as others have said you need to take some control here: it’s going to be tough as you’ve ’put up’ so long but it’s definitely doable :-)

id do a few things:

• first talk to your partner: you need them to be ready to back you up if needed : you don’t mention how your Dh feels about his mum, but I’d personally talk about getting boundries clear now so that everything is smoother in the future. The risk of you ignore now is that she’ll keep pushing and eventually you’ll explode!
• practice some easy things to do/say. You know what the issues are now so come up with some phrases you feel comfortable with or some actions you can take. Maybe start with some easy ones eg
• when she goes to take baby ‘just a moment, I just need to do x then s/he’s all yours for a lovely cuddle (until I need to do x’
• when she leaves the room - follow ‘it’s so strong isn’t it the mother bear instinct: whilst she’s so little i hate her being out of my sight’ - similar with passing to other people ‘oh, is xx having a cuddle now, just let me come over and I can talk you through what’s she likes’
• if she says she’s giving you a break ‘I know I will in time but right now I just don’t want a break from her at all’
• if she insults you ‘gosh, I hope that came out ruder than you meant it to MIL’
• juat walked in ‘ she’s just got off to sleep so let’s not disturb her. Let’s grab some tea until she wakes up’. I’d also say a pointed hello/morning/lovely to see you if she ignores you.
• the kissing one, I’d raise again with Dh and get him to tackle it: and just check in with him until he does.

these things don’t have to be a confrontation at least at first from you: just a subtle redirection. If she pushes back then you’ll need to be firmer I’m afraid. But you’ve been the one who was reasonable first ;-)

Is this a helpful way to speak to a newly postpartum mother 🤔

OP - you obviously find it difficult to assert yourself around your MIL. Babies change the relationship completely and (I mean this kindly as I felt exactly the same… you are hormonal and vulnerable at the moment).

Have some stock phrases ready as others have suggested:

’baby is comfy there- please can we leave her there until she has finished her nap’

‘I’ve got her for now, she can come for grandma cuddles soon’

‘Aww best for baby to come to mummy when they are crying’ (if MIL tries to comfort baby and you’d rather do it- I used to find this)

’please can baby stay in the room so I can see her’ (I used to hate it when people would walk my baby off into another room! I don’t understand why people do it!)

As others have said. You need to start being clear and firm sooner rather than later

You need to speak up. Mil may be over stepping but she won't know unless you say something.

Another though op: I had to do this a bit when by first was born and it was hard as my PIL are lovely and well intentioned, and Dh is trained to be very non confrontational with them. But there was stuff they were doing that meant I was getting frustrated. Mentally, I reminded myself that getting the boundries right at this stage would mean that the relationship with my PIL would be stronger for longer, rather than risking not speaking up and then getting increasingly furious. It’s really worked: 20 years on I have a great relationship with them; they joke about my boundries but are aware of and respect them. They talk about having changed their mind about things I (& now the kids!) challenge them gently on.