MIL problems since having baby - AIBU?

[AquaPearl9]

Hi all

Ever since having my baby who is 9 weeks old, I feel increasingly uncomfortable around my MIL but I don’t know if I’m being sensitive.

First of all, everytime I take my baby to see MIL, she takes her either from me or removes her from the pram or car seat without asking. At first I didn’t think anything of this but the more it happened the more I realised she is the only person who does this. My own mother would never do this nor would any other family members. I think I really noticed it when she woke her up while she was fast asleep in her car seat, I was so upset as she was comfortable where she was and we had literally just stepped in the house. She isn’t a doll nor is she her property. This always happens within seconds of me walking in her house, she doesn’t acknowledge me anymore, just immediately takes the baby from me.

When she takes her from me without asking, she then takes her off into other rooms, usually while I’m busy so that she has her “all to herself”. I feel uncomfortable about this as I can’t see or hear my baby while she whisks her off elsewhere and she is still so young. I think she thinks she is doing me a favour but the more she does it, the more nervous I am and I think it’s totally out of order separating a baby from their mother without permission. Again, no other family members have done this. I have caught her kissing the baby on the lips - I told my partner who said he didn’t notice at the time but seemed quite upset when I told him. We feel strongly about not kissing babies on lips, I told him in the hope that he would say something politely to her but in all honestly I don’t think he ever would. There have been times when I have been feeding the baby (I am EBF), soon as she is finished her feed, here comes MIL taking her straight from me without me even burping her or seeing that she is ok. She never asks, she just takes her away and I stupidly let her. She will also pass the baby around to other people without asking, including very young children who I definitely don’t want holding the baby without my supervision.

Now this is where I’m not sure if I’m being sensitive but she has recently started insulting me in front of other people, criticising things I can’t change about myself that I won’t go into detail but I feel she is trying to create competition and is bitter about something so is using it against me and trying to put me down.

Has anyone experienced this since having a Baby? It seems to be getting worse everytime I see her and I feel so uncomfortable. My MIL is a strong character and others have made comments about her. I have always accepted her for who she was but now I feel like she acts totally weird around the baby and is so possessive as if it is her daughter. I get so anxious the days leading up to seeing her then afterwards I can’t stop thinking about all the inappropriate things she has done or said. I am worried about how to approach this with my partner because after all, it is his mother and I don’t want to cause any upset as we have never had any issues in the past (Years of biting my tongue!)

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear this. You do need to say no when she does these things. But also:

I'd known my MIL for 15 years before me and DH had our first baby, always got on fine. During the latter stages of my pregnancy she 'turned', criticising me and shouting and trying to make DH choose 'her side' over me.

What I realised was that she was massively triggered by someone else being 'the mum'. (DH is her only child and she's been a SAHM his whole life, so her identity is very tied in to being 'his mum' and it was quite an extreme change for her).

The first thing that happened when it all came out, was that I lost my temper too (very hormonal in my defence!) and told her if she was going to behave badly to me then she would not have a relationship with her grandchild.

The second thing was that DH reinforced this, said that he wanted her in our lives but that if she made him choose between her or me, he would choose me - his pregnant wife.

She was quite grumpy and shocked and said she was 'waiting for an apology' but DH and I held our boundary and since then she has been (mostly!) completely fine and a lovely grandma to the kids.

In your case - your MIL is trying this same thing, asserting herself as 'the mum' who 'owns' the baby, takes the baby whenever she wants, gives it to whoever she wants to hold, etc. She's undermining you with criticism so that you let her.

You and DH should take a firm line with this, IMHO. You deserve respect as the woman who has birthed her grandchild and she should ALWAYS ask your permission before taking the baby from you, and respect your wishes around mouth kisses, etc.

Wish you a good outcome! And congratulations on your baby.

Mine was exactly the same, especially running off to other rooms with baby, trying to take crying baby out of my arms, little criticisms etc. Except we didn't have a brilliant relationship to start with and it turned out that her expectations were that my DC would eventually ask to go and live with her instead of us anyway... It really messed up my mental health, especially as I don't have my own Mum around for support.

I did establish some boundaries by just ignoring the attempts to grab the baby and by calling out the worst of the stuff (which never resulted in any introspection or apologies). She did back off a bit but I don't think our relationship will ever really recover and I still feel incredibly anxious for days or even weeks when I know we or they will be visiting, even years later.

I strongly advise for your sanity to try to get your DH on board and get him to back you up. Do not feel bad about establishing perfectly reasonable boundaries and for asking him for help with this. You're a new Mum and extended family should be supporting you, not making you feel anxious or uncomfortable.

I voted you are BU because you're being a wimp! Would you let a complete stranger come up and take your baby out of your arms without asking? No, of course you wouldn't, so next time she tries to do it, just turn away and tell her that you'd prefer her not to take baby at the moment. Better still, tell her that you're not happy about her frequently taking baby out of the car seat or whatever, the minute you arrive, and that you will tell her when she can. If she ignores you, and still tries to take over, stop visiting her, no one can make you OP, you're not a child now, you're a MOTHER, and it's your job to protect your child, so just do it!

MIL sounds a pain but YABU for letting your 9 weeks old sleep in the car seat. It’s not safe sleep and is a risk for positional asphyxiation so probably a good job MIL picked her up.

The rest of it though, tell her not to!

You do need to talk to your partner. Rather than start off with criticising his mum start with how you are feeling. I am starting to feel really uncomfortable around your mum and it's making me not want to see her. I really want to have a relationship with her and for our baby to. What can we do so that I can feel more comfortable? So you are strategizing together on boundaries and what he can do to step up.

I totally agree, I feel everyone is being really extreme with their reactions.

MIL won’t know if she isn’t being told.

You can just say, nicely, what you want her to do and not to do regarding your child.

If she THEN carries on doing things her way, that’s a different story and she would be unreasonable. You’d really need your partner’s support in laying down the law then.

But at least give MIL the opportunity to be reasonable by calmly speaking to her and explaining the rules around your baby.

You need to become a mother lion and growl at her😂😂 your baby, your rules, stand up to her. She is being a complete (insert bad word). But you are letting her.

Sorry but I'm going against the pack here and I'm gonna say you're being unreasonable. Surely the reason to visit is so they can spend time with the baby. The moment the grandchildren arrive, us children or spouses of child are a second thought, lol. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

When my eldest two were babies, as soon as we came through the door my mil would take the baby and then greet us... since my 3rd she has lost her mobility and strength so with baby 3 and 4 I'd tell her to sit down and I would give her the baby... again straight away before me and hubby are even acknowledged. Her grandchildren are her life!

But then I went through the effort of building a relationship with her, when I had my first baby she came to live with me for 6 months and we are close enough that I call her mum when talking to her or about her, lol.

I like to think of ‘intent’ rather than outcome in these situations. I think that her intent is likely to love the baby and unburden you - even if the outcome clearly doesn’t help you! Therefore, I would acknowledge this intent, but gently suggest that actually you’d prefer she talk to you first before she takes baby. You could even tell a white lie and say it’s because you’re a nervous first time mum to diffuse the situation. This way you’ll hopefully keep a loving nana on side whilst still achieving what you want. Doesn’t need to be a conflict x

Put some (reasonable) boundaries in place with her OP.

Also, not good for babies to be left sleeping in their car seat so not a bad thing she takes baby out of it.

ALL THESE THINGS ARE INAPPROPRIATE.

your MIL is insulting you in front of people and you’re giving her the benefit of the doubt??? You’re being very generous.

time to talk to hubby. Even just show him this. You’re uncomfortable, I think that’s fine. I dread seeing my MIL too. She’s a typical high school mean girl. ‘Oh you look sooo pretty in this picture, I never would’ve recognized you’ - anyway, you’re not alone. It sinks, especially if you have a nice family.

@AquaPearl9
Sweetheart, you need to shut that shit down now or it will only get worse! How dare she? Your husband also needs to have your back. Together, polite but firm, every single time she tries to take over. If she persists, go for low/no contact. Life is too short & precious, particularly the early years of motherhood.

Name change time for you I think. You need to take the word kindness out, it don't suit you one bit.

You think insulting op and taking the baby off without op being around is anything linked to good intentions ? There is no good here other then to be offensive and to take control away from op. I'm not saying she gets up in the morning and makes a list on how to ruin her dil but she's obviously got an issue! And actually outcome is important, otherwise we'd all do what the hell we want and then claim 'we didn't mean it' . Honestly ,such an out of touch with reality post.

Your baby, your rules!! Either stopping going to MIL for a bit (stressful times can affect both you and milk supply). Or if you do have to go make use of a sling - as soon as you arrive, put little one into it and keep her there. It is so hard to say no and fight little ones corner but you need to find a way......

Of course outcome is important, never said it wasn’t. But intent is usually where you can see the root cause of the issue and resolve appropriately. Maybe you are right and MIL does have ill intent. But maybe to avoid the conflict and have a positive relationship going forward it might be best to give her the benefit of the doubt initially.
To be clear, I am not the MIL age. I am a mother of 3 little ones with a large family of strong women. I have advice/criticism coming left right and centre.
i have a different opinion to you, I am not ‘out of touch’. My intent is a positive one. Forums like this are great to see a spectrum of views.

Stop taking the baby around to see her. For starters.