MIL problems since having baby - AIBU?

[AquaPearl9]

Hi all

Ever since having my baby who is 9 weeks old, I feel increasingly uncomfortable around my MIL but I don’t know if I’m being sensitive.

First of all, everytime I take my baby to see MIL, she takes her either from me or removes her from the pram or car seat without asking. At first I didn’t think anything of this but the more it happened the more I realised she is the only person who does this. My own mother would never do this nor would any other family members. I think I really noticed it when she woke her up while she was fast asleep in her car seat, I was so upset as she was comfortable where she was and we had literally just stepped in the house. She isn’t a doll nor is she her property. This always happens within seconds of me walking in her house, she doesn’t acknowledge me anymore, just immediately takes the baby from me.

When she takes her from me without asking, she then takes her off into other rooms, usually while I’m busy so that she has her “all to herself”. I feel uncomfortable about this as I can’t see or hear my baby while she whisks her off elsewhere and she is still so young. I think she thinks she is doing me a favour but the more she does it, the more nervous I am and I think it’s totally out of order separating a baby from their mother without permission. Again, no other family members have done this. I have caught her kissing the baby on the lips - I told my partner who said he didn’t notice at the time but seemed quite upset when I told him. We feel strongly about not kissing babies on lips, I told him in the hope that he would say something politely to her but in all honestly I don’t think he ever would. There have been times when I have been feeding the baby (I am EBF), soon as she is finished her feed, here comes MIL taking her straight from me without me even burping her or seeing that she is ok. She never asks, she just takes her away and I stupidly let her. She will also pass the baby around to other people without asking, including very young children who I definitely don’t want holding the baby without my supervision.

Now this is where I’m not sure if I’m being sensitive but she has recently started insulting me in front of other people, criticising things I can’t change about myself that I won’t go into detail but I feel she is trying to create competition and is bitter about something so is using it against me and trying to put me down.

Has anyone experienced this since having a Baby? It seems to be getting worse everytime I see her and I feel so uncomfortable. My MIL is a strong character and others have made comments about her. I have always accepted her for who she was but now I feel like she acts totally weird around the baby and is so possessive as if it is her daughter. I get so anxious the days leading up to seeing her then afterwards I can’t stop thinking about all the inappropriate things she has done or said. I am worried about how to approach this with my partner because after all, it is his mother and I don’t want to cause any upset as we have never had any issues in the past (Years of biting my tongue!)

I’m mil and have never acted like this around my gc.She sounds awful, you really need to assert yourself, I know as a naturally passive person this is hard for you but she needs very firm boundaries and your dh doesn’t have your back. I would very much be limiting the time you see her, dh will have to see her alone.

Use your voice! Stop caring what your MIL will think if you do. It's none of your business what she thinks. Your baby needs you to find your voice.

she has recently started insulting me in front of other people, criticising things I can’t change about myself

Shat sort of things is she saying? What do you or your husband say?

You really need to speak up and react when she insults you and stop her when she tries to take the baby.

If you are going round there without your husband-stop. If she asks why, he can tell her. You have power here!

Find your inner mother bear. Say no, she is comfortable where she is. If it's easier, wearing baby in a carrier that she can't be grabbed out of is a workable solution.

You need to start speaking up. It sounds like she is absolutely overbearing but how will she know that these acts aren’t acceptable to you if you don’t tell her?

As for the insults- call her out on it every time. Pretend you didn’t hear and ask her to repeat it. And then pretend you didn’t understand and ask her to repeat it again until her rudeness & meanness is right out in the open.

It’s really difficult but you need to just say it. When she does things you don’t like or affect your baby just say it. She might get upset but she’s upsetting you and also seems to be escalating by criticising you in front of people so you need to be brave and stick up for yourself. Worst case scenario you piss her off. But is that the worst thing in the world when she’s being awful? I don’t think so!

Tell her no as your first word in the phrase. No leave my baby sleeping. No do not pick her up. Tell her that until she agrees to stop kissing your baby on the lips she cannot hold your child.

Echoing other posters, its time to pull up your big girl pants and start saying NO.

You are your tiny babies only advocate - so do it for her. Youve mentioned things on your post that are of a detriment to your baby, such as waking her up out her car seat or not allowing her to be burped - or worst of all kissing on her lips!!!

Time for some tough love - if your not going to speak up for yourself, do it for your daughter. You are her voice, and you will need to be her voice for atleast the next 16 years, so grow a back bone and advocate for your child!!!!

Don't let this happen! Say no, stop her before she gets to the baby. If you're feeding your child and she decides they're done, say no!

If you had a cup of tea in your hand and she took it away and poured it down the drain with no explanation, would you let it go? You'd ask why, or try to take it back. So why let your child be taken away?

Woman up! Your baby needs you to advocate for them. Sod other people's feelings and stand up for yourself. You know it's not right - what's stopping you from being mama bear?

I don’t want to cause any upset as we have never had any issues in the past (Years of biting my tongue!)

You mean you have let DP and his family walk all over you, and now they take it for granted that they can do what they want.

Yes, it's probably going to cause an argument, but just be clear and straight with her.

Why don't you stop visiting her for a while. It is women like her who give mother in laws a bad name.

You need to shift your perspective that your baby can’t voice her discomfort at being woken up/ moved and potentially being given a deadly virus from being kissed so you need to advocate for her and protect her.

I’d question why your parter isn’t sticking up for you when she’s insulting you and if this woman is someone neither of you feel able to challenge then you both need to take a step back from visiting so often and putting yourselves in these positions if you won’t challenge her.

This.

She knows exactly what she's doing. Your partner needs to have your back.

Wear the baby in a sling.

You need to discover, and channel, your inner mama bear. You're a Mum now. You are stronger than you think. You have a tiny baby now and it's your responsibility to protect her and set boundaries. Practise with your MIL.

If you fall out, you fall out. You have far more power in this situation than you realise, because she wants a close relationship with her grandchild.

Stop being such a doormat and stand up for your baby, and yourself.

This definitely stops people taking your baby off you but it didn't stop MIL waking baby up. She would come through the front door, be told he was sleeping in the sling and she'd run in and shake him awake while he was attached to me. Even if I went upstairs she'd still come and find me. They were crazy times. Never again.

And, whilst ultimately this is the truth and what will happen eventually, it's really hard when you're a FTM and emotional, hormonal and tired and you don't want to upset DH. What you need is for DH to have a word with his mum and stand up for you!

I think she thinks she is doing me a favour but the more she does it, the more nervous I am and I think it’s totally out of order separating a baby from their mother without permission.

Oh no, she knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s playing mummies with your baby and thinks she has every right to.

You absolutely need to say no. In fact, I’d bark it at her as she went to take my baby, and I’d lock my arms around my child. She’d look an absolute fucking maniac if she then tried to wrestle your newborn from you. And your H needs to step her and put her in her place.

Exactly this! It’s hard stabbing up for yourself but once you’ve said it a couple of times hopefully MIL will get the hint!

I think you need to ask yourself what is stopping you from not releasing your baby from your arms when MIL comes grabbing, or from saying as you enter the house "Please do not pick her up or wake her - she is comfortable as she is."

I am not having a dig at you - I really think it is worth asking yourself why you do not do/say these things?

Once you have worked out what it is, it might be worth asking yourself whether it really matters. For instance you might be concerned that MIL would be offended - if, so, what does it matter? - you are offended by the things she is doing and she does not seem to be worried about that - or maybe she does not know. She will know if you tell her.

I think clear communication is what is needed. Do not be afraid that she will think badly of you. You know that you are just being reasonable - and do you really care what she thinks about you?

A domineering mother will want to continue that pattern when she becomes a grandparent - it is up to you not to let her.

It is a total PITA I know, but you cannot change her personality unfortunately.

Oh dear god!

I was just about to suggest a sling, it mostly worked with my MIL apart from constant comments about "you never seem to put that baby down, do you!" and "you carry him so much, he'll probably never learn to walk". I actually did hardly any babywearing when I wasn't around MIL...

If there’s ever a time to stop biting your tongue, it’s now OP. Start pushing back.

If she takes your baby without asking, just take her back. Do it often enough and she’s bound to catch on soon enough. She’s taking advantage of you being a new mum to take over - nip this in the bud now or it’ll only get worse!

If you or DP can't just tell her to stop doing this (and I know how hard/impossible that can feel with a "strong character") I would just refuse to go to hers in future. Why should you spend your time and energy going to her house when she behaves like that? Everything you describe sounds terrible, but if she's outright insulting you as well I would not be going back.