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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's an inheritence one...

141 replies

InheritenceArguments · 01/05/2024 21:28

I'm one of three siblings, the oldest if that makes any difference. My parents sold the family house last year and moved close to me and DH, renting for the moment. Neither of them are in great health, and over the last year or so I've been helping them with various different things and have been to plenty of hospital appointments with both of them.

Me and DH need to move away from where we live at the moment, we can't afford a big enough place here and we want to move further out. My parents want to stay close to us, for the help and also to spend time with our kids.

I said I could only really carry on giving them the level of support I am at the moment if they were really close by - otherwise it's just going to be a nightmare. Someone (I can't honestly remember if it was me, DH or them) suggested me and DH buy a house with an annexe for them to live in.

We have discussed this at length and all set out boundaries etc. We are now weeks away from exchanging on a move to a new house with an annexe. We've put in approx 65% of the cost (mortgage) and my parents are gifting us the rest of the money on the understanding they will have an (unofficial) lifetime interest in the annexe and it's entirely theirs do with as they want. Also, if they need a live-in carer at any point they can have a bedroom in the main house, as the annexe is a one-bed.

My sister and brother both live abroad. Neither of them would want our parents to move in with them in this sort of arrangement. Neither of them currently own a house. One of them doesn't seem bothered about it all, and one of them is furious. Thinks it's entirely unreasonable that my parents aren't gifting them the same sum and they're furious.

My parents have suggested that they give each sibling a sum that represents about 35% of the amount they're giving me, when they buy a house. The angry sibling is somewhat placated, but still angry and thinks they should get exactly the same amount as I'm getting, regardless. They have suggested that when my parents die, they and my other sibling should get any money that hasn't been spent on care fees whereas I think it should be split equally.

Ultimately it doesn't matter what I think because it's my parent's decision - but AIBU? I'm taking on a huge responsibility. We also had to buy a house with an annexe that suited my parents - it isn't the house or the location me and DH would have liked, in an ideal world.

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 01/05/2024 21:31

YANBU.

What your parents do with their money is their business. They must do what suits them.

Discussing what happens to their money after they die is just grim. Makes them look both morbid and grabby.

Littlemissprosecco · 01/05/2024 21:32

Unfortunately money brings out the worst in people. You’re never going to have everyone happy in this scenario.
You do what’s right for you and your family. Don’t worry about how the others feel as there’s nothing you can do about it

justasmalltownmum · 01/05/2024 21:35

What a disgusting sibling.

Beddgelert · 01/05/2024 21:37

So long as your parents are happy and legally protected it’s their money to do as they wish.

SpaSpa · 01/05/2024 21:37

the money on the understanding they will have an (unofficial) lifetime interest in the annexe and it's entirely theirs do with as they want

What does this mean?

MrsBobtonTrent · 01/05/2024 21:39

If you and your parents are happy, that is enough. But please make sure you have deprivation of assets covered. If your parents need to go into care, LA may want the money paid into your house.

CulturalNomad · 01/05/2024 21:40

Tell "the angry one" that he'd be foolish to count on much being left after care home fees, but the distribution of what is left will be completely at the discretion of your parents.

It's depressing how many adults see their aging parents as little more than human ATM machines. So very distasteful to be looking forward to a big payout when your parents die.

CloudPop · 01/05/2024 21:40

Do a cost model of what it would look like if your parents paid for care

LunaNova · 01/05/2024 21:41

YANBU.

What's the alternative anyway? They don't gift the monies, don't move with you and then what, your parents funds are eaten up by care costs over the coming years? Would that really make your sibling happier?

If your siblings aren't willing to step up to help with caring responsibilities, my belief is that they equally do not get a say in how your parents choose to spend their money to receive adequate care. It just so happens in this case they are gifting you funds which in essence allows them to live more comfortably.

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 01/05/2024 21:44

Send links of properties near them with an annexe and ask them if they want help organising things for your dps to live with them... Say you will organise the funds to be paid to the agent..

CulturalNomad · 01/05/2024 21:44

CloudPop · 01/05/2024 21:40

Do a cost model of what it would look like if your parents paid for care

That is actually a great idea. Until we went through it with my mother I had no idea it was that expensive. It's a real eye-opener for someone who doesn't have a clue!

WinterDeWinter · 01/05/2024 21:45

Can i suggest that one of your parents explains the quid pro quo in terms of what you are already doing for them, and how much you might be called upon to do in the future? And tells sibling that that unless they fancy taking over they stfu and be grateful for whatever's coming cool their jets?

I do think it needs to come from your parents, and fast, before it beds in.

Reluctantgarderner · 01/05/2024 21:46

if I were one of your siblings I’d be more worried that there was no official contract to protect your parents. I’d want their share of the house to belong to them and be in their name. For example what would happen if God forbid something happened to you ? Your DH would inherit the house and while Îm sure hés lovely he may not want to live with his PIL forever in that case. What if you got divorced and had to split half of all the capital ?

What if you fell out with your parents Where would they go? What if one got Alzheimer’s and became impossible to care for at home? Etc.

Original poster
InheritenceArguments · 01/05/2024 21:57

SpaSpa · 01/05/2024 21:37

the money on the understanding they will have an (unofficial) lifetime interest in the annexe and it's entirely theirs do with as they want

What does this mean?

We can't put any part of the house in their names. If we did, and then they need to go into care, the local authority would expect the house to be sold to free up the capital for my parent's share so it can be put towards care costs. If it isn't in their name it shouldn't be a problem, according to the legal advice we've had.

So the house isn't in their name. Nor is the annexe. But my parents will live there, and do whatever they want to the annexe (within reason...) until they either die, or need to go into care.

OP posts:
Original poster
InheritenceArguments · 01/05/2024 22:01

MrsBobtonTrent · 01/05/2024 21:39

If you and your parents are happy, that is enough. But please make sure you have deprivation of assets covered. If your parents need to go into care, LA may want the money paid into your house.

We've had legal advice which says we should be ok from a deprivation of assets point of view. I think if they go into care the week after we complete on the house then maybe we'd be on the hook, but I expect they'll live there for years and years before they need to move into care. My dad hopes they'll never have to move into care but I'm less optimistic about that.

OP posts:
Kisskiss · 01/05/2024 22:01

I think it depends on how much they gifted you, if it’s a large amount then I can see why your siblings might be bothered by the idea. You are shouldering the parental care burden pretty much solo, and your siblings should be extremely grateful though

Original poster
InheritenceArguments · 01/05/2024 22:02

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 01/05/2024 21:44

Send links of properties near them with an annexe and ask them if they want help organising things for your dps to live with them... Say you will organise the funds to be paid to the agent..

Tempting... but I think it would provoke rather than resolve!

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 01/05/2024 22:05

InheritenceArguments · 01/05/2024 21:57

We can't put any part of the house in their names. If we did, and then they need to go into care, the local authority would expect the house to be sold to free up the capital for my parent's share so it can be put towards care costs. If it isn't in their name it shouldn't be a problem, according to the legal advice we've had.

So the house isn't in their name. Nor is the annexe. But my parents will live there, and do whatever they want to the annexe (within reason...) until they either die, or need to go into care.

Show quote history

This isnt totally true. Deprivation of assets to avoid care home fees is complex. You have already mentioned that your DPs need support, which is one of the reasons you want them to live with you. There is no time limit as to how far back local authorities can check for DOA when it’s obvious that someone’s home has been sold specifically to avoid paying for care. You could end up ion the position of having 2 parents needing residential care with no money to pay for it because they've deprived themselves of it to allow you to buy a biog house.
Morally, it’s a terrible thing to do, as your DPs may well end up in less than ideal residential care because you’re sitting on their assets. But youre obviously only considering the finances!
In addition, you will financially benefit from having 65% of your house paid for gaining in value over the years far more than a similar amount in savings would. Yet you still want to keep all this money.
Your DPs could buy a small bungalow near your home, live there comfortably and eventually it would be used for care home fees should the need arise without you needing to sell your home.

Original poster
InheritenceArguments · 01/05/2024 22:06

Reluctantgarderner · 01/05/2024 21:46

if I were one of your siblings I’d be more worried that there was no official contract to protect your parents. I’d want their share of the house to belong to them and be in their name. For example what would happen if God forbid something happened to you ? Your DH would inherit the house and while Îm sure hés lovely he may not want to live with his PIL forever in that case. What if you got divorced and had to split half of all the capital ?

What if you fell out with your parents Where would they go? What if one got Alzheimer’s and became impossible to care for at home? Etc.

We've got a legally binding agreement that if we divorce, the money from my parents stays with me. If I die, it will go to DH but on the basis that if he remarries or has more children the money will be inherited (if there is any of it left...) by our DC, not any DC he has with future partners or any SC.

I trust him not to throw them out if I die. He has many faults, but he's just not the sort of guy that would do that. He's honourable to a fault!

OP posts:
SpaSpa · 01/05/2024 22:10

Why couldn’t you have jointly bought the new home with your parents so you all own it?

mrsm43s · 01/05/2024 22:11

InheritenceArguments · 01/05/2024 21:57

We can't put any part of the house in their names. If we did, and then they need to go into care, the local authority would expect the house to be sold to free up the capital for my parent's share so it can be put towards care costs. If it isn't in their name it shouldn't be a problem, according to the legal advice we've had.

So the house isn't in their name. Nor is the annexe. But my parents will live there, and do whatever they want to the annexe (within reason...) until they either die, or need to go into care.

Show quote history

But if your parents end up in care, they don't need the annexe, so of course, the house should be sold to release their money to pay for their care. You and your family can then buy a suitable sized house for your family with your money.

It doesn't seem reasonable for you to expect to keep such a big chunk of your parents money. Mostly because they might need it for their care, but also you're shafting your siblings.

Maybe consider a pair of semis (each own your own), or two separate properties close by each other (again, each own your own).

Reluctantgarderner · 01/05/2024 22:15

InheritenceArguments · 01/05/2024 22:06

We've got a legally binding agreement that if we divorce, the money from my parents stays with me. If I die, it will go to DH but on the basis that if he remarries or has more children the money will be inherited (if there is any of it left...) by our DC, not any DC he has with future partners or any SC.

I trust him not to throw them out if I die. He has many faults, but he's just not the sort of guy that would do that. He's honourable to a fault!

Show quote history

I’m sure he’s honorable but that wouldn’t be enough for me if it were my parents , sorry. Things can change, life is like that.

And what about if you get fed up of being a carer or can longer manage? Could they afford sheltered housing / a home or help ?

TisButThyName · 01/05/2024 22:17

SpaSpa · 01/05/2024 22:10

Why couldn’t you have jointly bought the new home with your parents so you all own it?

Because if her parents required a care home then the council would put a charge on the house to pay for it then on the death of her parents would expect the house to be sold to pay back the money.

If her parents die within 7 years of gifting this money and run up big care bills then there could also still be a risk of deprivation of assets and money owed.

GiantCousCous · 01/05/2024 22:17

Oof this is a tough one.

I’ve been thinking about the inheritance side and it sounds very complex… I’m not sure I can add a lot to that but there were a couple of other things I wanted to say.

  1. It feels like you are making a huge commitment here… even the mention that they could use the spare room in your house if needed. As someone who has been through the worst case scenario when it comes to two parents, please don’t underestimate how long this could go on. Your family life could change unrecognisably and for several years and there’s is a risk you feel obligated to providing increasingly more care as they grow older. Is this something you’ve discussed? What happens if you can’t manage, have you agreed that you then spend their money on carers coming in … as well as having received their money for the house? You need to set boundaries with siblings too as to what they can expect you to do and what not
  2. In doing this you’re effectively becoming the family home… do your siblings Come back often and if they do where will the stay? With you, or just visiting but stay somewhere else? It’s another dynamic change to be aware of.
  3. please don’t underestimate how much this changes things for your DH and any children too, be mindful you still need to create your time together.
I will stop there… but very interesting… not sure I could have done it!
SpaSpa · 01/05/2024 22:18

I thought if another adult lives in the home then it couldn’t be sold.

Homes aren’t sold when one half of a married couple move to a care home.