It's an inheritence one...

[InheritenceArguments]

I'm one of three siblings, the oldest if that makes any difference. My parents sold the family house last year and moved close to me and DH, renting for the moment. Neither of them are in great health, and over the last year or so I've been helping them with various different things and have been to plenty of hospital appointments with both of them.

Me and DH need to move away from where we live at the moment, we can't afford a big enough place here and we want to move further out. My parents want to stay close to us, for the help and also to spend time with our kids.

I said I could only really carry on giving them the level of support I am at the moment if they were really close by - otherwise it's just going to be a nightmare. Someone (I can't honestly remember if it was me, DH or them) suggested me and DH buy a house with an annexe for them to live in.

We have discussed this at length and all set out boundaries etc. We are now weeks away from exchanging on a move to a new house with an annexe. We've put in approx 65% of the cost (mortgage) and my parents are gifting us the rest of the money on the understanding they will have an (unofficial) lifetime interest in the annexe and it's entirely theirs do with as they want. Also, if they need a live-in carer at any point they can have a bedroom in the main house, as the annexe is a one-bed.

My sister and brother both live abroad. Neither of them would want our parents to move in with them in this sort of arrangement. Neither of them currently own a house. One of them doesn't seem bothered about it all, and one of them is furious. Thinks it's entirely unreasonable that my parents aren't gifting them the same sum and they're furious.

My parents have suggested that they give each sibling a sum that represents about 35% of the amount they're giving me, when they buy a house. The angry sibling is somewhat placated, but still angry and thinks they should get exactly the same amount as I'm getting, regardless. They have suggested that when my parents die, they and my other sibling should get any money that hasn't been spent on care fees whereas I think it should be split equally.

Ultimately it doesn't matter what I think because it's my parent's decision - but AIBU? I'm taking on a huge responsibility. We also had to buy a house with an annexe that suited my parents - it isn't the house or the location me and DH would have liked, in an ideal world.

To the posters saying the OP will "earn" the money by caring for her parents, did you read the bit about getting a live-in carer if they need one? It doesn't sound like the OP is planning to care for them herself if they get to that stage (which is absolutely fine and understandable!).

@Soontobe60 , that’s assuming that ‘small bungalows’ are easily available nearby. Anywhere around here they’re scarce and expensive, because they typically have pre WW2 large gardens that are ripe for large extensions or other development opportunities.

I would be worried for my parents if they used a lot of their hard earned cash to buy a house they don’t legally own part of.
The OP divorcing is the biggest worry.

I didn’t realise there was such a correlation between caring and inheritance. When my father died his estate was split between my sibling and I 50/50 even though I did all the caring. I never ever had an issue with this.

I'd call their bluff, 'OK CFS (cheeky fucker sibling), we'll all get an equal share and DPs will buy an annex house with you instead. What a relief! Glad that's all sorted.'

Edit: If they're not happy with that say you will charge them for all services you provide, do it lawyer style and itemise every phone call, every shopping trip, etc. and then you'll split whatever money they have left at the end equally. You should then be able to save up enough to buy your parent's share of the house. And of course rent for a future carer if they live in a room in your house.

Is a live in carer actually than a care home?

Your siblings have no idea how much extra work this will bring to you and your husband over the coming years. My parents did this same set up for my mother’s father about 20 years ago. He’s now 103 and still active and looks after himself, but does need help getting around and IT support etc etc. In no way do they regret or begrudge the decision but it is very hard work for them. My uncles had no idea about the amount of extra work involved until one of them offered (a few years back now) to take my grandfather away for a week - he soon realised! Unfortunately, your siblings won’t see this at the moment, it takes time to evolve but my vote is definitely that you are not being unreasonable.

👏🏻

I noticed that. And that they have a spare room for the live in carer too.

To be honest, I think it’s a crazy plan which is full of pitfalls - inheritance being the least of it.

It would have been much more straightforward for your parents simply to move to a rental property near your new location. Then if they do need more care than you can provide, a care package or residential care can be organised without worrying about potentially selling your own home or being pursued for deprivation of assets. And local authorities can and do go back years re the latter, not weeks as you suggest.

Sorry, OP, your intentions are good but I think you’ve got carried away with a plan which has disaster written all over it - financially, legally, emotionally.

Have you truly thought long and hard how this situation may impact your lives if one of your parents get dementia (which sadly is becoming the biggest killer in the U.K.)?

My mum has Alzheimer’s (6 years ago none of us would have thought in a million years she would get dementia, she was as sharp as a tack) and lives with my dad, they both live around the corner from me and I see them every day. Helping to care for my mum is the toughest thing I have ever had to do and the strain of the last 4 years took its toll on my mental health and a month ago and I had a breakdown.

One of my only saving grace’s during this shitshow is knowing I have my own home, separate from my parents, to escape to. It is also my dh and dc home which is not affected my the strain of having elderly and poorly parents residing in or very near to.

You just can not underestimate the stress which comes from caring and helping look after a loved one with dementia. The strain has caused so many rows between my husband and I.

I hope this scenario never affects you and your family but would you really want a live in carer residing in your property with your ex and dh?

I would not want to be in your position with my current situation tbh. Dementia takes it out of everyone involved, I am glad I have my own home to retreat to, it’s my only salvation currently.

And if and when the time comes for mum to go into care then my parents have their own property which will cover everything (once my father goes).

And as for your siblings, well they shouldn’t get a say in anything, at the end of the day the money is your parents money to do what they wish. Inheritance is not a given, no one should automatically assume they have that awaiting them on the horizon.

You’re being a huge help to your parents. If they didn’t move in with you they’d most likely need to go into a home and any money would be eaten up in care costs. This way they’re close to you and their grandchildren which will be far nicer for them in their old age than a care home.

Your sibling is just being greedy wanting money with none of the sacrifices.

So if you die your husband can't move? Even if his job required it? Even if he got remarried? Because he's tied to taking care of , or at least housing your aging parents?
No way on this planet would I be agreeing to that in his position. Or theirs to be honest.

Please make provision for what happens in the case of your pre-deceasing your parents. There is a thread on here where that happened. Soul destroying for all concerned.

Lots of elderly people go along with this transferring of their assets/home thinking that they will get care at home from their children in return (with care home only an absolute last resort).

In reality, it usually seems to result in the elderly parent being booted into the (now free) care home at the first opportunity and far sooner than would have been the case if the care home costs were coming out of their children's inheritance. And nothing the elderly person can do about it because they've legally transferred everything to their kids. Whereas if they'd hung onto their house etc they could have paid for carers from attendance allowance, savings or even equity release (as a last resort).

And your parents are now vulnerable to losing their home if you divorce, die, remarry, get in debt and have to sell the house etc or you just change your mind about having them live with you.

There’s too many unknowns here- how much is the gift As a percentage of their current net worth, how much caring is the OP planning on doing , nobody knows for how long either.

it would be fairer if whatever is left in the estate minus the gift were then split 3 ways as the oP would have benefited from any capital gains on the money in the intervening years already ( and if rates stay at 4-5 pct, that can be worth a lot depending on the size of the gift!)

my friend is inthe same position except her parents want to build her family the annex in their home - she asked for the house at the end and everyone kicked off . As much as her siblings are not nice people I can see how unfair the situation is for them if she got the house which is half the net worth

I think this is a bit of an odd solution. How old are your parents, OP? Are they mobile, do they drive etc?

If they're currently renting and have the money from their own house sale it would have made loads more sense for you to move and for them to buy a retirement apartment nearby. I can sort of see your sibling's point a little bit.

As others have said here,the situation is very difficult and thwart with future problems! If your parents dont need any care ,(unlikely but not unheard of). Your sibling will be feeling somewhat miffed, that you have in effect gained the benefits of a large home /annex and all of the future increases in property prices as well.If they do need some care and go into a home ,then surely the house would have to be sold to pay for the fees? I think it would be worth seeking advice from a Solicitor experienced in this field .

You certainly will be doing a lot more for your parents than your siblings, but is it right that you are being ‘paid’ for it and if so, is it right that you’re being paid potentially hundreds of thousands of pounds? I can see why this looks like a grab to your siblings.

If actually you don’t want this house with an annexe and you’re only doing it for your parents, you could agree to sell when your parents pass and share the 35% owned by them with your siblings.

The fact that you haven’t offered this AND are not putting part of the house in trust/your parents’ name seems a bit fishy. Your parents’ offer is probably a good compromise, I just wouldn’t be painting the angry sibling as unreasonable because I don’t think is it.

My mum and dad did this with my grandparents. My grandparents sold their property and gifted the money to my dad who bought a house with an annexe. The difference is that they had also given my dads sister a large amount of money.

it worked for many years but eventually my grandad died and my grandma was very ill. My dad looked after her for a long time and it was extremely hard and quite traumatic for him to be honest. Eventually she did have to go into a care home where she lived for a few years. The good thing from all this was that the only money spent on care fees was her savings and not my mum and dads house. My parents would not have been able to buy that house without my grandparents and it’s a very special house. The bad part was the stress and trauma my dad went through while caring for my grandma during those years. Make sure you are aware that that could happen to you and it is not something to take lightly.

They're gifting me approx 20% of their total estate value, so it's a lot of money, but it's not swallowing the whole estate or anything.

I won't do any personal care for them except in an emergency. I don't want to, they don't want me to. I've always been very upfront about this, and so have they. I'm here to do things like help them with technology things they don't understand or can't do/drive them to appointments and attend with them if they need/want me to/put heavy things away or move them/do some batch cooking.

If they need more care than I can provide, either a carer will have a bedroom in our house or they'll have to build an extension with an extra bedroom for a carer. It depends on how long we think a live-in carer will be required.

Neither sibling wants my parents to live with them. I would have been happy for my parents to move in with one of the others and gift them the money, but I was the only one prepared to do it. Care home fees for a friend's grandparent are currently £90k a year. My parents would burn through their money pretty quickly if they had to start paying that.

What do you think about showing the sibling a cost projection of a care home idea that a pp had, Op?

Will they have enough money left for a live in carer? I’m not sure how much it would cost but I imagine it would be a lot!

The annoyed sibling had an idea in their head of what they were 'guaranteed' to inherit.

What you are taking on is huge and don't let your sibling underestimate that by saying it's all about money.

A friend of a friend (sort of), moved back from overseas. There were a lot of siblings but the agreement was that him + new wife could have the family home if their father could live with him. So they re-did the whole house, including an annex for the dad. The dad was in his late 70s and not in great health. He lived another 20 years!

A live-in carer typically costs not much less than a care home OP.

It's a good idea, I've just got to find the time to do it. I need to look prices for the sort of care they'd need at the moment which is probably a warden-assisted type place. It can be tricky to find their pricing, they tend to keep it off the websites, I assume because it's expensive!

Even if you don't put any of the house in their name, a council can still reduce their contribution on the ground of deliberate deprivation on various grounds, the one I am thinking of is if its foreseeable that they would need care, also if they have no legal owbnership of any part of the house, the money could be classed as a gift which can also fall under the same rules. From what you have said about thir health, this may apply to them. On the other hand, it sounds as though they may have too much money to receive any financial support from SS so it may not apply in any case. https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/deprivation-of-assets/