It's an inheritence one...

[InheritenceArguments]

I'm one of three siblings, the oldest if that makes any difference. My parents sold the family house last year and moved close to me and DH, renting for the moment. Neither of them are in great health, and over the last year or so I've been helping them with various different things and have been to plenty of hospital appointments with both of them.

Me and DH need to move away from where we live at the moment, we can't afford a big enough place here and we want to move further out. My parents want to stay close to us, for the help and also to spend time with our kids.

I said I could only really carry on giving them the level of support I am at the moment if they were really close by - otherwise it's just going to be a nightmare. Someone (I can't honestly remember if it was me, DH or them) suggested me and DH buy a house with an annexe for them to live in.

We have discussed this at length and all set out boundaries etc. We are now weeks away from exchanging on a move to a new house with an annexe. We've put in approx 65% of the cost (mortgage) and my parents are gifting us the rest of the money on the understanding they will have an (unofficial) lifetime interest in the annexe and it's entirely theirs do with as they want. Also, if they need a live-in carer at any point they can have a bedroom in the main house, as the annexe is a one-bed.

My sister and brother both live abroad. Neither of them would want our parents to move in with them in this sort of arrangement. Neither of them currently own a house. One of them doesn't seem bothered about it all, and one of them is furious. Thinks it's entirely unreasonable that my parents aren't gifting them the same sum and they're furious.

My parents have suggested that they give each sibling a sum that represents about 35% of the amount they're giving me, when they buy a house. The angry sibling is somewhat placated, but still angry and thinks they should get exactly the same amount as I'm getting, regardless. They have suggested that when my parents die, they and my other sibling should get any money that hasn't been spent on care fees whereas I think it should be split equally.

Ultimately it doesn't matter what I think because it's my parent's decision - but AIBU? I'm taking on a huge responsibility. We also had to buy a house with an annexe that suited my parents - it isn't the house or the location me and DH would have liked, in an ideal world.

@InheritenceArguments I suggest you get professional tax advice to avoid any surprises when your parents die.
HMRC has gifts with reservation of benefit rules, which include gifting money for someone to purchase an asset and the donor benefitting from the asset.

This is bang on the money. I can't believe people think you are being reasonable. I think you are screwing every penny you can out of your parents. I see a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Is this a reverse, are you the sibling??

Without wanting to seem argumentative, I find it hard to believe that anyone thinks she's being unreasonable.

They might not ever progress to needing live-in carers, and even then, the OP will still have to do a lot for her parents - live-in carers don't cover it all.

And up to that point, the OP will be doing everything bar intimate care.

OP didn't say she wouldn't be doing care - she said she wouldn't do personal care like toilets, showers etc. There are lots of parents who would prefer not to have that kind of care from their child. That still leaves a very heavy caring burden which has the potential to continue for many years and years.

The toll it takes on your life and mental wellbeing can't be put into words. There are many people who wouldn't ever be willing to be carers, not for all the money in the world. And that's because it really is very hard, and unrelenting. Even if you're not doing the personal care.

The siblings who are objecting are perfectly within their rights to step up and do it instead, she's not stopping them. But they're not willing to upend their lives to support an elderly parent.

The siblings who are objecting are perfectly within their rights to step up and do it instead, she's not stopping them. But they're not willing to upend their lives to support an elderly parent.

They might be prepared to upend their life. The Op says her parents chose to move near her, and there's no indication that the siblings have been asked at all if they would do it, and definitely nothing that says they have refused.

They might have been delighted if they had chosen to move near them, and happy to do all the caring including personal care without getting a better house into the bargain. We can't tell.

And secondly the upending would be far greater for them, because they'd almost certainly need to move countries, probably jobs etc. Depending on their situation they may already be caring for inlaws, so that makes things harder.

So it's not an equal comparison. One gets a bigger house than they need, doesn't need to move area to get a house and ends up with a house with at least one spare bedroom and an annex. The other would need to move countries with all the complications and changing jobs/schools/leaving the other side of the family behind.

Oh please.

Have a discussion now. Give your siblings options.

Mum and Dad can spend £2K a week on care home fees, or they can move in with you.

I work in a care home where weekly fees are £1800 per person. (No typo)

Work out the basic cost of rent for rooms in your area.

You can add in escort fees for hospital appointments, which are typically £18 per hour plus travel costs.

And feeding/heating your parents.

And will the siblings contribute to the cost of carers?

Ask them what they want to do, once the parents fees hypothetically reach whatever contribution your parents are making to the house???

Please value the amount of care - and commerical cost of that care. As well as the extra physical cost of your parents living with you.

Then be very brutal with your siblings. What will they contributing to the support of your parents?

I understand it's not about the money for you.

But it is all about the money for your siblings.

So work out a spreadsheet right now. And agree reasonable costs for your parents alongside benefits of your parents investing in your home.

And what financial contributions your siblings were planning on making to their care.

Your parents might live 5 years or they might live 20 years.

Your parents might live with you until death or their needs might become too complex and you need to move them into a home.

But involve your siblings into the reality of costs for your parents.

And have the financial facts to hand, and give people time to mull over the facts.

Ultiumately it all depends on when your parents die.

But put down an average life expectancy of 86 - and potential costs up to that age, and than potential costs past that age.

The families of anyone paying for a care home, have a very limited and dwindling opportunity for an inheritance. So do your basic sums and present that to your siblings.

Hmmm be very careful regarding them putting money in your house if they already have health needs that will at some point need professional help in a care setting. What most legal advisers get wrong is that once someone becomes ill with a condition that will need care, from that point any ‘gifting’ of their assets can be deemed deprivation of capital for Adult Social Care purposes. The fact that you are not having them as part owners does not protect you but can be seen as further deprivation and fraud. You could still be expected to repay what they have invested in your property or the financial assessment to determine what needs to be paid towards care fees will take into account your parents still have the money they gave you! So you will have to pay the care fees which are on average £1000 a week now. I work in this area and due to public funding issues councils are less likely to allow such deprivation of capital.

That’s only a factor for state care. They have other assets so they will have to pay for private care.

What you wrote would make sense, if the arrangement was for the Op to provide care. But in her owns words ( please read the posts ) she won’t, and that’s understandable as it’s very hard work.
if they need care they will have to hire a live in carer, so all this arrangement is , is the parents paying for an annexe which Op owns and hence her sibling isn’t happy

that's kind of right....you don't have to repay the money but any amount that they decide falls under deliberate deprivation is added to the calculation of how much money your parents have and therefore bumps up the amount of money they will need not to have before social services contribute to care...so from what you have said it looks possible that SS will never contribute to care costs. Its possible that your parents are very ever so rich and therefore this won't ever be an issue but as @Cassiemum says, you should take it into account.

Edited to delete as posted too soon

My mum spent a considerable chunk of her assets building an annexe in our garden. Not sure what effect it has had on our property value (it is only useful if any potential buyer needs it), but my siblings are happy that we benefit from any increase in value, as we’re the only ones who would have mum living in the garden!

Ultimately, it's up to your parents what they decide to do with their money after they're gone. Discuss with your parents about writing a will & ask them to relay their wishes to furious sibling so they know your parents wishes while they're still alive then there's no confusion when the time comes for wills to be executed & inheritance is dished out.

@InheritenceArguments my advice as the equivalent of your sibling is please please get legal advice and a formal agreement in place.. Your parents should also get independent legal advice. The legal agreement needs to cover life events, which can be a shock e.g. death or disability of you or your DH.

The fact you consider your parents will have an “unofficial” lifetime interest raises red flags. Your parents will have some legal rights much better to have them in an agreement than sort it out when there is a problem.

Make sure you have PoAs in place.

Local Authorities are absolutely broke and are looking very very closely at anything that is deprivation of assets. I cannot see how you would avoid this if your parents need to go in a care home and use up their money.

We can't have a legal agreement with my parents but they have received independent legal advice. We've also had legal advice around deprivation of assets, so we're covered. If the legal advice is wrong then the person who provided the advice is covered by insurance. We do need to do PoAs, and also a post-nup.

My parents just want everyone to be happy, which is lovely in theory but not really how the real world works - they can't make everyone happy all of the time.

I'm taking a step back from it all now though. I've told everyone that the money needs to be a gift so that me and DH don't have to sell the house to pay an inheritance to anyone, or to pay for care. I'm not negotiating that with anyone, so it's up to my parents whether they want to go ahead or not on that basis.

We can't have a legal agreement with my parents
Why not?