Gutted not to be my best friends birthing partner

[Trawler]

My best friend since we were kids temporarily broke up with her DH during her pregnancy. He has bipolar disorder and had a breakdown. We are incredibly close and have often said we consider ourselves as close as sisters. My DF gave her away as her own father was not around…

Anyway, she asked me if I would be her birthing partner. Of course I said yes, that I would be there whenever she needed me day or night.

Thankfully her DH received treatment and they got back together in time for the birth which I was delighted about. I assumed it was just them and was really happy for the two of them.

However, I’ve since learnt that she invited another friend to be her second birthing partner. She has only known this friend for a year or two, she also never seems to be the friend I know around this person. Her personality is completely different.

I know it is completely her right to pick who she wanted. I am trying to be super happy and supportive to my friend. I have picked up her other DC from nursery this week and dropped off homemade prepped meals for the whole family etc.

I really really don’t want to make it about me but I can’t help but feel a bit heartbroken that she chose the other friend to be there and not me. They’ve both posted gushingly on social media about it as well. I know I am being selfish but I can’t tell anyone in real life how I feel and just need to get it off my chest….

AIBU to feel so sad about it?

I understand why this would hurt you OP. It’s rejection, and it hurts more coming from someone so close to you.

Have you asked her about it? How did she explain that she not longer needed you to be her birth partner? It maybe that her other friend has more availability? Or asked to? and didn’t know you were too bothered?

Thanks for replying. No I’ve not asked. I hate confrontation and definitely don’t want to stress my friend out when she has a newborn and a toddler. I’ve been acting completely normal in front of her. She has not said anything about it.

If she spoke to you a lot about her DH when they were separated it may be that she would just have found it awkward to have you both there in such close proximity. I have known more than one person who ditched a friend who supported them through a break up when they subsequently got back with their partners. It’s a really weird one but not uncommon. Other thing might have been her DH not being comfortable to have you there if he thought you had been told details of his breakdown. Hurtful but I guess you can either choose to ask her about it or try and move on and stay friends.

YANBU to feel however you feel. You would be unreasonable to make it her problem, but I think you know that.

There are so many things it could be that are not personal at all. Is it possible you have more commitments, childcare needs etc so it would harder for you to be available? Or has the other friend given birth more recently, or had a similar birth experience to what your friend is hoping for or worried about?

Thank you for replying. I highly doubt her DH is upset with me. We both get along well. I’d helped paint their other DCs new bedroom and organised a baby shower in the weeks leading up to the birth and he was very grateful.

Thanks for your reply. Both me and the other friend are childless atm. Similar work schedules as well now that I think about it (we work in related industries).

I can understand you feeling a bit sad about it.

I think @andyourpointiswhat could be right.

Let things settle and see how things are. Don’t be the friend who gives everything and gets nothing back, you said you have picked up her kids and made meals, which is lovely of you, but make sure she’s a good friend to you too.

Bizarre she wanted someone else on there along with her and her partner. You’re well off out of it I reckon, would have been a weird atmosphere.

Just enjoy spending time with her and baby now the baby is here. Much better than witnessing pain and bodily fluids.

My point was really (and I didn't make it very well) that there are all sorts of possible reasons, and a lot of them might not be personal at all. They don't even have to be logical - giving birth is not really about logic. You're probably not going to find out the exact reason, and neither should you go probing. It's understandable you feel hurt but there's every chance it's not about you, so I would try to let it go.

It sounds like you have a strong and established friendship. She does not need to prove that to you by having you in the room for all the indignities of childbirth. Most of us don't even let our mum in the room with us - she really can like you an awful lot without necessarily needing you there on the day.

She does not need to prove that to you by having you in the room for all the indignities of childbirth. Most of us don't even let our mum in the room with us - she really can like you an awful lot without necessarily needing you there on the day.

Very well said.

I was about to say the same thing

OP you sound like a very kind and supportive friend and I’m not surprised that you are upset. Maybe ask your friend about this in a few weeks time.
Seems like you do a lot for this friend, is she as committed to this relationship as you are?

YANBU. You’ve helped enough with the nursery pick ups and the food.

Take a step back now and let her lean on this other friend.

You don’t want to be taken for grunted and do all the grunt work whilst the other friend gets all the gushing.

You are doing way way too much for her. Painting rooms, cooking her dinners etc. almost like a parent and not a friend.

It might be time to take a bit of a step back no?
Maybe they need some space as a family, as kind as you are. It might feel suffocating.

Do you think your friend is using you for free painting, dinners, drop offs? Is this friendship two-way?

Could it have been she was having uou both, and then the husband took your place? I understand your hurt though, she could have picked the other woman to not be. Maybe the other woman was telling her she really wanted to do it.

She asked you when she split up with her DH. Then changed her mind when she got back with him. Fair enough. Now she's asked somebody else. Bit mean under the circumstances. Let her birth pal do the running round after her from now on. Step away. She sounds a bit of a user.

You sound so lovely and kind OP. You’ve clearly helped your friend through so much. I know you said you don’t like confrontation but maybe do just have a conversation with her at some point and be open and honest with how it made you feel.

She may have a perfectly reasonable answer, perhaps she felt you had already done so much for her and she didn’t want to burden you with anymore. Or maybe her other friend was much more insistent on being there. It could be something innocent, so I would have that talk with her, otherwise it’ll just eat you up inside and bleed into your friendship.

She may not be allowed two birthing partners at the hospital any way. I'd have to say something too get. And I'd also stop helping so much.

If it helps, I had my SIL as my second birthing partner. I'm closer to a number of other people but I needed someone there who I knew would 'coach' me, support me, egg me on. And I was right, she was 1000 times more helpful than my partner and was the perfect pick. So I asked her because of what I needed and what she could bring. And it worked. But it was not because she was the closest person to me.

I’ve been dumped by a friend in the past after she and her husband temporarily split up and she told me all about his horrible behaviour towards her. Some of it was quite shocking and I was helping her leave him. Then they got back together and I was ghosted. I guess she didn’t want any reminder of what she’d told me. Maybe this happened here?

After she asked you to be her birthing partner what subsequent conversations did you have that meant you weren't anymore? Ie did she ever actually say you weren't, or did you assume because she was back with her DH and that made her think you didn't want to / weren't bothered?

Either way YANBU to sad to be replaced (and if she act different around this friend I might wonder if they'd pushed her into it) but I'm not sure you can say much. who is present while giving birth is such a personal choice, she has the right to change her mind. And she's allowed as many friends as she wants, so possibly saying something will drive a wedge between you.

I would have said you were unreasonable if it was just her DH there, or if she'd never asked you in the first place, but anyone would feel a bit odd about the change of friend.

YANBU. As a pp said, if she’d just had her partner there that would have been one thing, but to replace you with someone else is shitty.

I’d definitely step back for a while.

OP you sound lovely.

Its impossible to understand your full relationship from a few paragraphs but you seem to do a lot for this friend and her DH. Is this reciprocal? She sounds like she’s had a really hard time (pregnant, husbands mental health issues, relationship breakdown, dad not at wedding) and you’ve been there for her. Would she be there for you too?

At the end of the day it’s her birth and she can have who she wants there, although I fully understand your upset. I would be questioning how much time I’d be investing in this friend in the future. That’s not to say I’d fall out or ruin the friendship.

She says she sees you more of a sister? So I wonder if the expects you’ll always be around in some sort of “big sister” role whilst she branches out with other friendships. That’s fine going forward if you’re both happy with how it settles just don’t allow yourself to be run around and taken for granted.

Op I think I'd take a step back.
It's almost like she is using you. Sorry.

It could be she was worried about you and her DH being together if she's said thing you agreed with when they split.

I also find it a bit weird to have more than one birth partner. My fango should only be seen by DH and professionals thanks!