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AIBU?

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Original poster

Gutted not to be my best friends birthing partner

74 replies

Trawler · 01/05/2024 00:43

My best friend since we were kids temporarily broke up with her DH during her pregnancy. He has bipolar disorder and had a breakdown. We are incredibly close and have often said we consider ourselves as close as sisters. My DF gave her away as her own father was not around…

Anyway, she asked me if I would be her birthing partner. Of course I said yes, that I would be there whenever she needed me day or night.

Thankfully her DH received treatment and they got back together in time for the birth which I was delighted about. I assumed it was just them and was really happy for the two of them.

However, I’ve since learnt that she invited another friend to be her second birthing partner. She has only known this friend for a year or two, she also never seems to be the friend I know around this person. Her personality is completely different.

I know it is completely her right to pick who she wanted. I am trying to be super happy and supportive to my friend. I have picked up her other DC from nursery this week and dropped off homemade prepped meals for the whole family etc.

I really really don’t want to make it about me but I can’t help but feel a bit heartbroken that she chose the other friend to be there and not me. They’ve both posted gushingly on social media about it as well. I know I am being selfish but I can’t tell anyone in real life how I feel and just need to get it off my chest….

AIBU to feel so sad about it?

OP posts:
Mememe9898 · 04/05/2024 09:08

Holliegee · 04/05/2024 07:16

I suspect it may be so you can look after her toddler? If they had split up she may have thought he would have had the toddler and now it’s changed so you will be asked?.

I had a friend a few years back, we’ve drifted apart now but I wasn’t asked to be her birthing partner (I couldn’t have done it anyway) but I helped care for her older child and asked to visit as soon as they came home, and helped a lot in the early days as she had,had a rough time and I was privileged to be asked to care for the baby and bathe and dress him for his baptism- when both mum and baby were Ill I took baby to the Gp and many times took him to the baby weighing clinic.

Wow where you find friends like this! To have this help would of been invaluable.

ILoveYouItsRuiningMyLife · 04/05/2024 09:11

It’s weird that she’s having anyone else to be honest. Maybe the other friend has talked her into it.

ABirdsEyeView · 04/05/2024 10:03

Agree that you need to step right back - she doesn't seem at all sensitive to your feelings. All I can see here is you running around like a blue arsed fly, to facilitate her life and her taking it totally for granted and doing all the nice stuff with someone else!

You have every right to feel hurt and more than a bit used.

There is lots of truth in the situation where people tell a friend too much and then later regret it. I think that may have happened here, but she's not above using you for all the childcare etc that you are providing.

Thrre might also be some jealousy - I had a best friend who was like a sister to me. She also had a horrible family life and my family became her family. I think in the end she became so jealous of how easy she felt my life was compared to hers that she started to hate me - she wanted my parents but she didn't want me. It went very weird. Dont underestimate how jealousy can manifest - 'like a sister' is not the same as actual sister!

Holliegee · 04/05/2024 10:52

Mememe9898 · 04/05/2024 09:08

Wow where you find friends like this! To have this help would of been invaluable.

Show quote history

I was really honoured to be asked to help her tbh, she’d had pnd after the birth of her daughter who was then 11 and her partner had asked me to keep an eye on her - so it was just natural that I would - it meant she could rest and care for her baby but also that she didn’t have ‘all’ the stress that comes with a newborn and a family - the midwife did assume at first I was a maternity nurse but no, I was just being a good friend.

Mememe9898 · 04/05/2024 10:57

Holliegee · 04/05/2024 10:52

I was really honoured to be asked to help her tbh, she’d had pnd after the birth of her daughter who was then 11 and her partner had asked me to keep an eye on her - so it was just natural that I would - it meant she could rest and care for her baby but also that she didn’t have ‘all’ the stress that comes with a newborn and a family - the midwife did assume at first I was a maternity nurse but no, I was just being a good friend.

Show quote history

It’s a lovely thing to do. I wish I had that with my two as I’ve got a 2 year age gap and my mental health was at an all time low when my youngest was born. I ploughed through but I had some very dark days when even just a couple hours break would have made a massive difference.

Mumto2kids86 · 04/05/2024 18:30

What odd behaviour from all of you! It’s not like choosing bridesmaids. Why is she picking friends to watch her give birth like it’s a movie opening night? You can always tell those that haven’t experienced it. Stay well clear. It’s weird.

RM2013 · 04/05/2024 18:33

I think I’d have been a little bit hurt too but then I do have a tendency to take things personally.
if you don’t feel you can ask her I think you just need to put it to the back of your mind otherwise it will just fester away and potentially cause some resentment.
could you maybe ask in a casual way “how come you asked X to be a birth partner”?

Paulafernalia · 04/05/2024 19:23

is the other friend a mum? Are you? I’m just asking because after going through pregnancy and childbirth, if I had to pick a person other than my husband to be my birth partner I would do it based on who would be the most supportive and understanding of my decisions during childbirth and who has values that better align with mine. For example, I would choose my SIL and 2 not so close friends over my 2 best friends since that have been in my life since I was little.

professionalmum01 · 04/05/2024 22:27

Mumto2kids86 · 04/05/2024 18:30

What odd behaviour from all of you! It’s not like choosing bridesmaids. Why is she picking friends to watch her give birth like it’s a movie opening night? You can always tell those that haven’t experienced it. Stay well clear. It’s weird.

So true lol I mean if someone asked me to attend I'd find it WEIRD! Its really private and not something you want to share with even a close friend. Due to having no pain meds I was in ABSOLUTE AGONY. That's not something i want anyone to see. I would of preferred to do it alone as i even got annoyed with my husband as he panicked and i just wanted to focus on getting the baby out.

Howdidtheydothat · 04/05/2024 22:27

I think she trusts you implicitly to look after her first DC. That in itself is so awesome and important to her when prepping to give birth. There is a lot of guilt and worry making sure that your firstborn whom you never thought could be loved as another child and this LO who will be distressed by the big change of mum and dad going away to bring the new baby home. I think she respects and values you very much. She could have explained her choices to you better though.

Howdidtheydothat · 04/05/2024 22:43

I would also wonder if new friend has a medical related career/background . So very helpful in the overrun nature of NHS delivery units to have someone who can keep you grounded, to ask and answer your concerns, to advocate for you. I had just DH with me (not medically trained and had full trust in NHS, didn’t question things that I would have liked to have questioned has I been “with it”). Also (sods law), on the odd occasion that DH left the room to move the car, fetch luggage or food, babies heart rate or my health took a dip and I was asked to make decisions on the preferred next steps. It was not great being alone and gaga (hypoglycaemic). Would have been great to have had a second birthing partner during those times. Was really scared that I would be taking off for an emergency c section whilst DH was fetching his dinner/baby bag/parking car.

PixieRay · 05/05/2024 01:04

Not unreasonable at all. You have a right to feel this way and you are being considerate not bringing it up now. Just curious , as you said you assumed, it would just be her husband, did you confirm if she still needed you before and she said no, or did you not confirm with her ,

thebestinterest · 05/05/2024 02:46

Awww, OP. Hugs. I also understand why you’re hurt; I wouldn’t be hurt too ;(

Just hope for your friends sake that it’s not a decision she’ll regret later on, as it does sound a bit like a love-bomb type of friendship.

bless you. You’ll be okay.

OneHeartySnail · 05/05/2024 02:57

You mentioned you are child free i think? Maybe she wanted someone who has been through the experience of childbirth?

pambeesleyhalpert · 05/05/2024 03:57

OneHeartySnail · 05/05/2024 02:57

You mentioned you are child free i think? Maybe she wanted someone who has been through the experience of childbirth?

OP said the other woman is childless.

I think it's quite odd she had a friend she's only known a year in with her and her DH anyway. I think it would have been abit weird to even have had you as well and you've been friends ages

Pancakeorcrepe · 05/05/2024 06:27

OP you sound so lovely!
I too would be hurt in that situation and can understand why you don’t want to bring it up in the conversation just now, when she’s pregnant and busy preparing the delivery.
I would continue being your very kind self but taking a few moments to reflect on the friendship and keep your eyes open going forward, just to make sure that she’s not using you. Obviously this might take a while to assess because she’ll be busy with the pregnancy and the newborn so it is a stage where the friendship will be a bit more one sided anyway, but gently monitor the situation and how generous she is towards you with care, time and attention to make sure there isn’t a big mismatch there.

Dinkydo12 · 05/05/2024 10:03

Take a step back. Seems you are being over the top helpful and obliging. A willing horse will always be used! Maybe get some other friends as she has done.

Baba197 · 05/05/2024 19:02

YANBU I had a similar situation and was so so upset about it

HiCandles · 05/05/2024 19:18

Were you looking after her older DC during the birth? As a mum of two, my major worry coming up to second labour was childcare for eldest, midnight back ups, back ups for the back ups etc. Only once he had been happily dropped with grandparents did I feel relaxed, and coincidentally or not went into labour later that day. Maybe that job was the more important one she wanted you to do, or be a back up in case first option fell through?

Kyliejane · 05/05/2024 22:06

I would ask her straight up. Cant think of why she went from already having asked you to changing it without a valid reason. Yanbu and justified being upset. Please let us know the outcome.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 06/05/2024 09:26

You're a lovely friend and sounds like you do absolutely loads for her. It's possible she saw birthing partner as a "chore" and thought that as you'd already organised the shower, done nursery runs, cooked etc that she didn't want you to have another burden or task to do for her. I know it's a special moment but it's also likely to mean being on call, a late night/all nighter in a hospital. Personally I don't think I'd feel OK asking a friend because its such a big ask. Could it also be she would want you on call for her child if they have to disappear off and you're then there to pick up from nursery and stay with them?
I hope she gives back as I definitely don't have friends as generous as you and I'd feel om the verge of guilty taking so much especially if I couldn't give anything back!

NoThanksymm · 07/05/2024 02:35

Worth a chat! This is gonna eat at you.

stormywhethers321 · 07/05/2024 03:32

Do you think they might be a throuple?

I'm serious. The relationship with her husband is unstable and your friend's personality changes around this other woman. Then she invites her as a superfluous third party to an incredibly intimate experience. I'd be wondering.

Freakinfraser · 07/05/2024 06:36

stormywhethers321 · 07/05/2024 03:32

Do you think they might be a throuple?

I'm serious. The relationship with her husband is unstable and your friend's personality changes around this other woman. Then she invites her as a superfluous third party to an incredibly intimate experience. I'd be wondering.

Seriously though 😂

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