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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gutted not to be my best friends birthing partner

74 replies

Trawler · 01/05/2024 00:43

My best friend since we were kids temporarily broke up with her DH during her pregnancy. He has bipolar disorder and had a breakdown. We are incredibly close and have often said we consider ourselves as close as sisters. My DF gave her away as her own father was not around…

Anyway, she asked me if I would be her birthing partner. Of course I said yes, that I would be there whenever she needed me day or night.

Thankfully her DH received treatment and they got back together in time for the birth which I was delighted about. I assumed it was just them and was really happy for the two of them.

However, I’ve since learnt that she invited another friend to be her second birthing partner. She has only known this friend for a year or two, she also never seems to be the friend I know around this person. Her personality is completely different.

I know it is completely her right to pick who she wanted. I am trying to be super happy and supportive to my friend. I have picked up her other DC from nursery this week and dropped off homemade prepped meals for the whole family etc.

I really really don’t want to make it about me but I can’t help but feel a bit heartbroken that she chose the other friend to be there and not me. They’ve both posted gushingly on social media about it as well. I know I am being selfish but I can’t tell anyone in real life how I feel and just need to get it off my chest….

AIBU to feel so sad about it?

OP posts:
coffeeisthebest · 01/05/2024 08:31

You sound like a lovely friend and she is lucky to have you. I hope you feel loved in return, I feel like from what you have written here perhaps you are uncertain of this.

PadstowGirl · 01/05/2024 08:43

What does she bring to your relationship OP?
It sounds like you are her free counsellor, her child carer, chief cook and bottle washer and painter and decorator.

Stainglasses · 01/05/2024 08:49

i feel for you over this. At first I thought it sounds intense and possibly a bit needy but then the fact she has replaced you with another friend is I think hurtful.

I would gently ask her about it and her reasons. And take a small step back…

FlyingPizzaMonkey · 01/05/2024 08:57

What do you get back from her? Maybe it’s time to take a step back.

WitchWithoutChips · 01/05/2024 09:06

andyourpointiswhat · 01/05/2024 00:52

If she spoke to you a lot about her DH when they were separated it may be that she would just have found it awkward to have you both there in such close proximity. I have known more than one person who ditched a friend who supported them through a break up when they subsequently got back with their partners. It’s a really weird one but not uncommon. Other thing might have been her DH not being comfortable to have you there if he thought you had been told details of his breakdown. Hurtful but I guess you can either choose to ask her about it or try and move on and stay friends.

I think this poster is on to something. I have also seen this happen and I suspect that the supportive friend becomes very closely associated in the mind with a very painful period of time. Taking a partner back means doing a lot of forgiving and forgetting and, through no fault of your own, I fear you might have fallen foul of this by being a reminder of that time, OP. Continue to support her now but don't allow her to take advantage of you. If you start to feel that your investment in the friendship is not reciprocated, especially once she is out of the newborn haze, you would be wise to protect yourself and start to back away.

potato57 · 01/05/2024 09:07

Does this other friend have kids? Maybe she thinks she'll be more experienced support or doesn't want you to be put off having kids by it.

Beautiful3 · 01/05/2024 09:12

I'd understand if she asked her husband to do it, but she's asked another friend instead?! Sounds like she found a new friend and prefers her over you. I'd take a step back and leave them to it. I wouldn't be offering any more help.

PrincessTeaSet · 01/05/2024 09:21

Your friend doesn't sound like a nice person. Choosing a different birth partner - fair enough, although it would be nice if she had spoken to you about it. Gushing on social media is not nice though. Plus it sounds like you're doing too much for her really. I think you'd be better off concentrating on your own life and backing off a bit. Are you reliant on her for spending time with or do you have other friends and hobbies? Maybe she is finding you a bit intense especially now her husband is ok again.

london111 · 01/05/2024 09:58

Sharing my experience in case helpful - I had my husband and my friend at the birth and for me, they were performing different roles. My husband was there for emotional support, my friend was there as she takes no prisoners and I knew she would assertively advocate for me if something went wrong. So they were playing different roles in their support. Reading your op, had wondered if this may be the case for your friend? Ie you were the replacement for the husband and her other friend was going to play a different role for her.

GreenMeeple · 01/05/2024 12:06

Trawler · 01/05/2024 00:51

Thanks for replying. No I’ve not asked. I hate confrontation and definitely don’t want to stress my friend out when she has a newborn and a toddler. I’ve been acting completely normal in front of her. She has not said anything about it.

Show quote history

Maybe if you hate confrontation she is looking for someone how is good with confrontation? She might be worried her DH might be more of a hindrance than a help during the birth and needs someone who isn't afraid to put him in his place. Or someone that isn't afraid to push for her wishes against medical staff.

If she herself is a bit of a pushover or a people pleaser she might not have told you because she was afraid you or she herself would change her mind to keep you happy.

WhatNoRaisins · 01/05/2024 12:12

I think I agree with PP that it's worth considering if this is a reciprocal friendship. Don't give more of yourself than you can cope with, it can lead to resentment.

VJBR · 01/05/2024 14:21

I think I would step back a bit. Stop being an unpaid babysitter and providing meals. She is using you.

PassingStranger · 01/05/2024 14:26

Viviennemary · 01/05/2024 06:32

She asked you when she split up with her DH. Then changed her mind when she got back with him. Fair enough. Now she's asked somebody else. Bit mean under the circumstances. Let her birth pal do the running round after her from now on. Step away. She sounds a bit of a user.

Totally agree call her out on it. To put it on FB as well so insensitive.

Your a long term friend, long term friends are worth their weight in gold and need to be treated well.

azlazee1 · 02/05/2024 19:12

I would be hurt also. You say you don't like confrontation, but this is your long time friend. Of course you can ask her why she changed her mind and that you had been looking forward to being there for her. Not asking will leave you questioning yourself and your friendship when there may be a good explanation.

bluetopazlove · 02/05/2024 19:16

Maybe this person works better with her husband that is what is more important .

jellybeanpopper · 02/05/2024 19:46

When I was pregnant with DC2 I 100% wanted my DH to be there with me for the birth. However, we had decided that if my sister did not make it in time to look after DC1 he would have to stay with her and I would take someone else with me for the birth. This is because it was more important to me that I knew DC1 was with someone she was safe and comfortable with, then for me to have my preferred birthing partner. So if you were with the toddler maybe this is why?

BeeCucumber · 02/05/2024 19:49

Your friend sounds like a bit of a CF to me. Step quietly away.

Blondiebeachbabe · 02/05/2024 19:51

Totally weird to ask any woman to come and watch you push a baby out of your Fango. I just don’t get it. Be glad that you got out of it - who on earth wants to see that?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/05/2024 20:40

Leave it for at least six months before you mention it. It's probably something to do with skill set -that's what I prioritized when choosing who came to help me in hospital, it wasn't a reward for being the best longest friend like a job like a bridesmaid is

GoldEagle · 03/05/2024 16:56

You sound like a very supportive friend, I just hope she eventually learns to appreciate you.

Whatyoutalkingabouteh · 03/05/2024 17:51

Make sure you don’t fall into the trap of being the friend that does everything and gets nothing back. I had this with a friend and did so much to help when needed - even though I have my own kids and a job- didn’t expect anything in return but started to feel taken advantage of. Then when said friend asked to have lunch then said couldn’t come but on instagram In a pub having lunch with another friend literally down the road…. It’s hurtful

Holliegee · 04/05/2024 07:16

I suspect it may be so you can look after her toddler? If they had split up she may have thought he would have had the toddler and now it’s changed so you will be asked?.

I had a friend a few years back, we’ve drifted apart now but I wasn’t asked to be her birthing partner (I couldn’t have done it anyway) but I helped care for her older child and asked to visit as soon as they came home, and helped a lot in the early days as she had,had a rough time and I was privileged to be asked to care for the baby and bathe and dress him for his baptism- when both mum and baby were Ill I took baby to the Gp and many times took him to the baby weighing clinic.

Brats4kid · 04/05/2024 08:09

I would be devastated and I really don't know how you can act normal around her tbh. I wouldn't be able to speak to her 😔

Bunnyhair · 04/05/2024 08:21

I agree with others that you are in the role of support person / safety net / dogsbody while she saves the fun stuff (not that birth is particularly fun, but you get what I mean) for the new exciting friends who don’t necessarily know about the hard stuff in her life.

I have one like this, who has a very chaotic life, and I’ve historically been the one to bail her out, the one who knows the full story. She keeps me very separate from her ‘fun’ friends, who she becomes almost infatuated with and who come and go from her life in intense bursts. I’ve taken a big step back, and I only hear from her these days when she’s in a bad way and needs support but doesn’t want to trouble her fun friends.

Mememe9898 · 04/05/2024 09:06

Blondiebeachbabe · 02/05/2024 19:51

Totally weird to ask any woman to come and watch you push a baby out of your Fango. I just don’t get it. Be glad that you got out of it - who on earth wants to see that?

Edited

This! The op doesn’t have kids either so no idea what it’s really like in that moment. There’s no way I would of wanted a friend to see me in that state 😂 I would of happily done it on my own as I didn’t even look at my husband throughout as in so much pain. I had two natural births with ZERO pain meds. I didn’t need spectators 🥴