To expect 16 yr old to acknowledge my birthday

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I probably am being unreasonable so just tell me straight.
Would you expect your 16 year old to acknowledge your birthday with either a card/small present or at least to just say happy birthday?
Was my birthday last week and my DS just doesn't seem to even notice. Was the same with mothers day. Now I don't expect anything but I feel that at his age he now has the money and opportunity to at the very least buy a card? He has a small friendship group and they all buy cards and presents for each other which he always participates in, gifts can be £20-30. He buys them in good time, never forgets etc so I have to admit to feeling a little sad that on my birthday he didn't get me a card or present (fair enough I can get over that) but he doesn't even say happy birthday. Was the same last year too. AIBU?

OP says her ds manages to spend £20-30 for friends....

why would a birthday card from your son be too much to expect?

It's free to say Happy Birthday! Her son didn't even do that.

Regardless he should have got a card too.

probably going to get flamed. I’m ND so this may come across as uncaring.

I don’t care about birthdays, mine or other people’s. I don’t love people more on those days so it feels fake and uncomfortable to make a fuss. I love my people every day so I don’t see why one day is a big deal.

I wish social convention was that we didn’t celebrate them. Ditto Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Valentines Day. The only hallmark days I really like are Christmas and Pancake Day.

I’m more likely to buy people gifts when I see something that is meaningful to us or reminds me of them or because I just can’t not and I’ll give it to them whenever. Being tied to a particular day feels like an obligation.

"Now I don't expect anything but I feel that at his age he now has the money and opportunity to at the very least buy a card?"

OP, have you sent your son the same mixed message? I think it's thoughtless of him but if he thinks you don't mind then he will choose the lazy option.

I'd give him another chance and say you felt your birthday was a bit dissapointing and that you you are all going to celebrate at the weekend (say all go for a meal or something) I'd then tell him that you would appreciate a present or a card and then see what he does. I wouldn't be stroppy with him.

The problem with coming down hard is that it's going to feel really shitty even if he does get you something. Then see what happens

@StormingNorman
I'm just like you but I'm not ND. Luckily my friends and family are all similar. One of my friends gave me a bunch of flowers today for no reason other than they were on sale and she knew there were my favourite. I much prefer that type of thing over birthdays.

A lot of these comments could be referring to OPs partner rather than teenaged son. I think the expectations here are out of whack. Especially comments like "is this how he will treat a partner?" What he does with his friends is also different and irrelevant. You can't create a mamas boy out of a 16 year old who you don't seem close with.

If you want a card ask for a card. Stop playing silly games and trying to nudge someone into pleasing you just the right way. He's 16. He's rude. It's not a surprise.

It's obvious you have expectations even though you said you have none. That's confusing and misleading. It's also a recipe for being disappkinted. It sounds like he's had a ton of instability. Don't treat him like a spouse or a friend.

I agree with the commenter who mentioned neurodivergence. Remembering dates and properly following social conventions don't come easily to everyone. Neurodivergent or not, everyone has weaknesses. Remembering and acknowledging your mother's birthday is not high on a teenagers priority list. You can't keep holding onto these invisible expectations.

The tit for tat suggestions are wild. One person is the adult and the other is the child. Yikes.

I fully expect to be shouted down for this comment. It's a waste of your energy but have at it.🙃

Are you pleasant to be around? I'm the same towards my mother. However, she doesn't understand the negative effect she has had on my life.

I don't give a shit about Mothers Day tbh but despite hating a fuss I think I'd be disappointed in my 16 year old if I didn't even get a "Happy Birthday! on the day. My son is almost 7 & I doubt he even knows I have a name outside of "mammy/mam" but obviously that will change as he gets older... no one is expecting afternoon tea in Harrods but a simple acknowledgement especially when the hand made card years are over is the very least you deserve

It’s not right, but i think when you have a serious talk with him, focus on your birthday, which is more serious.

My kids have always treated me on my birthday, mostly I suspect mainly prompted by my eldest. However it turned out that DC2 thought they were using my birth date on their school locker, but it was a day out!!

I think it depends how much emphasis you are placing on your birthday.
Personally Im terrible with dates (and present ideas) so I need plenty of advance warning for birthdays and a clear idea of what to get someone!
I think if you clearly say 'x day is my birthday...I want a 'happy birthday' card and breakfast in bed' and then you still get nothing? Well, then you have a point and your kid is a selfish a-hole!

YANBU, it's rude and at 16 he should've known better. I get not being able to get you a gift, but simply acknowledging the day or making a birthday smartshow 3d video or a card are simple options that are right there. Apparently birthdays aren't important to him, so let it be that way. Don't acknowledge his either, it shouldn't be a problem for him.

Did you not celebrate your birthday with him at all? Like go out for a meal or have a cake (even if you bought it yourself)? That’s a bit weird imo - even if it’s just the 2 of you at home I’d expect your birthday to be acknowledged in some way and not just everyone going about their business as normal. Even something like “I’d like a cup of tea in bed this morning please as I’m the birthday girl!” Did you open other cards/gifts in front of him?

You’re setting him up to be a bad partner and also placing such low value on yourself! Of course you deserve a card/present from your son.

It’s not about what YOU like or care about though.

Most people expect a card/acknowledgement on their birthday so it’s just something you have to suck up and do, imo.

A box of chocolates from Home Bargains or B&M is NOT expensive. The op's son can afford stuff for his friends so he can do the same for his Mum. Once the son gets a significant other, he's going to have to be less self absorbed so now is a good time to start acknowledging his own mother. I can't imagine a world where it would be acceptable for me to not celebrate my parents' birthdays. The fact that other people think it's ok perhaps explains our deteriorating society.

I think you're making it waaay more complicated than it needs to be. A 16 year old can say happy birthday and get his Mum a card. Even a 6 year old can do this. This is not high level stuff, it's exceptionally basic. There aren't any excuses.

My 16 year old is lovely and also clueless at times. He needs prompting and reminding, the same as many adults. Please don't take the posters advice who are suggesting that you completely ignore your DS's birthday. I agree with the poster above who reminds us that 16 years old is still a child in need of guidance and this isn't an entirely equal/equitable relationship.

Having said that, I know it can hurt when they completely forget your birthday but have time/thoughtfulness towards friends. I imagine I was the same way at 16.

My children have never marked my birthday or mother's day as I never taught them to. I never saw the point when they were little as I'd be paying for a gift I might not like. Now they're older/adults I can't suddenly expect them to make a fuss. My own fault really for never setting any expectation.

I do suck it up. It feels shit but I do it to keep other people happy.

I'd be really sad as it makes you wonder if they even care about you, I am teaching my kids the importance of showing your love for someone on there birthday etc as it sometimes means the world, even just a happy birthday would mean a lot

Is it just you and your DS/DC? If so, it can be strange because you need your DP to remind your DC/boot them into action. It felt a bit pathetic when my DD was young to say 'It's my birthday' you have to wish me Happy Birthday and get me a card and a present and her father, who didn't live with us, was a bit useless about that sort of thing. in my opinion. your ds needs a bit of a jolt. I think they get complacent as they know we love them anyway.

What did you say/do when he didn't get you anything last year?

Same as others have said. It will kill you, but blank his Birthday! Sometimes seeing how something actually 'feels' resonates more than simply being told. Explain at dinner time why you have ignored, as a life lesson, so he understands.

I didn't have any actual plans for my birthday this year as I was having a meal a few days later with work mates and I'm usually the one to make my own cake (if a family member hasnt offered) and I just couldn't be bothered. Usually we'd meet with family for cake etc but some of them were away on holiday so I just had a few family members & friends who popped over with a card for me as they all live nearby.
I think because we had such a quiet chilled out day it made me focus more on the fact he hadn't even said happy birthday. I'm not materialistic and I know I said a small present would have been nice but honestly would have been over the moon with just a card.