To expect 16 yr old to acknowledge my birthday

[Pwdhnshb]

I probably am being unreasonable so just tell me straight.
Would you expect your 16 year old to acknowledge your birthday with either a card/small present or at least to just say happy birthday?
Was my birthday last week and my DS just doesn't seem to even notice. Was the same with mothers day. Now I don't expect anything but I feel that at his age he now has the money and opportunity to at the very least buy a card? He has a small friendship group and they all buy cards and presents for each other which he always participates in, gifts can be £20-30. He buys them in good time, never forgets etc so I have to admit to feeling a little sad that on my birthday he didn't get me a card or present (fair enough I can get over that) but he doesn't even say happy birthday. Was the same last year too. AIBU?

For goodness sake, he knows it's not acceptable. He's perfectly capable of getting you something nice and saying happy birthday.
A bar of chocolate you like and a bunch of flowers from the supermarket wouldn't break the bank, it's not an unreasonable expectation.

Pull him up on it, show him it matters.

Years ago when I was a student, I once forgot to send a card and ring my Mum on Mother’s Day. She left me know that she was displeased and expected better next year. Not in a nasty way, she just told me straight.

Mother’s Day is coming up soon here in the US and I’m absolutely expecting my two make a fuss of me.

Set your bar higher, OP. 💐

A bit of tough love needed here. No present for him next time.

I wouldn't expect teenagers to remember the date in advance. They would need reminding. It's only in my 50s, that I now have an app on my phone that warns me of birthdays.

I think it depends if he has grown up celebrating family Birthdays. What happened throughout all the previous years? Did you or another family member make the effort to get cards/presents for each other?

If you didn’t “teach” him this is what you do then I guess you are being unreasonable (maybe in his friendship group they did)?

Saying that though my 30 yr old stepson doesn’t remember his Dad’s birthday. If he realises, he will make an effort to get him something but by then his Birthday has been and gone, so I think it is pointless then because it’s clear that he didn’t think about him when it counted ie on his actual Birthday!

I generally think blokes just don’t care as much about these things though but I would be hurt/annoyed too. I would tell him.

It might be awkward for you @Pwdhnshb, but just ask him outright.
DS, something is bothering me and I need to ask you about it. Why don't you acknowledge my birthday or mother's day? These days are important to me. I celebrate your birthday and other special days for you. Why don't you do the same for me?

Be prepared to have a couple of suggestions about what you'd like that are appropriate for a teen boy to do for his mum. I'd likely suggest a card and spending time together doing something specific. It becomes so precious as they get older and spend more time with friends.

I'm curious if you have a dh/dp and what modelling your son has for how to treat you as well as how you've modelled (and said) how you want and expect to be treated.

Yes, of course I would.

I remember my DS at that age was the only child still at home and his Dad was working away, so there was no one about to take him to a shop.

After school the night before my birthday he biked to the local Tesco (8 mile round trip) in the rain to buy me a bunch of flowers and some chocolates. He apologised the next day for the fact that apparently his bag had caught in his bike wheel and he'd dropped the flowers and run them over at one point! But you couldn't tell, and I really appreciated the effort.

I'd have been upset if he hadn't done anything. In the same way that any 16 year old would be upset if their mother didn't bother buying them anything either.

Op said a card. A card is not expecting your child to spend money on you. It's a card. Even a small gift isn't too much to expect. A box of chocolate!!

Just speak to him. Communicate that you'd like him to acknowledge occasions like Mother's Day and your birthday. It's perfectly reasonable and he's proven he's capable
as he does it for friends. Explain that relationships become more reciprocal as people get older and that he can't just expect to be the only one in your relationship to receive acknowledgment for special occasions.

What did you say?

I agree with you, it’s a card. A thoughtful gesture.

I think you need to talk to him about not taking you for granted. I have a sixteen year old son as well. My DH was away with work over my birthday last year. My son got his younger siblings to write in a card for me, he bought me a bar of my favourite chocolate, and made a cake he knew I like for the first time, put candles on (the number 21 as a joke) and sang me happy birthday. Neither DH or I asked him to do any of that.
Happy belated birthday though. I hope there were other things about your day you enjoyed.

I forgot only once. I got nothing for my birthday. I never forgot again. I've laid out my expectations and I discourage disappointing me.

When my DS was 14, he never acknowleded my birthday or Mothers' Day. That went on for a few years, and then out of the blue, he started, unprompted, sending cards and buying presents, and now, never misses. I have no idea why.

To be honest I've just thought to myself that I'm expecting too much from him so I've not asked.

Just no OP. How many posts do we see on here from women on Mothers day, Christmas day, birthday..... All upset that they have not been acknowledged or thought of my the men in their lives.

Your sons behaviour is unacceptable and I would make damn sure I treat him the same way on his birthday. In fact I would stop pocket money too. He can get a job if he hasn't one already. Zero excuses for the selfish git.

My 17 year old has ADHD and has MD and my birthday saved on his phone. His ADHD means that I have had to train him to use his phone for stuff like that. He also has a reminder a few days before. He sees social media stuff about MD (his friends all post Snapchat stories on the day) so always seems to know.

AFAIK, whatever age you are, saying Happy Birthday is free...... and the OP has said he spends £20-£30 on gifts for his friends so he understands how to remember a date and action purchasing a gift in a timely way, for people other than his mum. To say he "shouldn't be spending a penny on his mum" might work for you but let other people value themselves a bit more than that.

You are right I will just have to ask him outright. I've always made a fuss of his birthdays, parties when he was younger and as he's got older he's chosen to have meals out as his treat, I've paid for all his friends too etc.
My current DP doesn't have much to do with my DS as we haven't been together long but i had a previous partner who was a big part of DS's life when he was younger and he helped DS make a sign for my birthday one year and has helped him bake me cakes etc so along with my family member buying cards/small presents for him to give me too he knows the basics of celebrating a birthday.

One of the things I’m very grateful to my parents for is that they always taught us to get a gift for our siblings and each parent on their birthdays, at Christmas and on mothers/fathers day.

I come from a large family which meant a lot of gifts to buy over the course of the year, but nonetheless it was done, and not with any resentment or begrudgery. From when we were old enough to get pocket money (so around 5 or 6) we took part. It involved learning a few things- that we weren’t the center of the universe and other people mattered and deserved recognition and that sometimes doing nice things for others meant a little sacrifice (saving up/spending your money on a gift and thus not having it to spending yourself). Some years, the younger kids literally bought a 10p bar of chocolate (I’m going back to the 70s/80s) as the gift, but it was the effort and thought that counted. Older kids or the other parent helped the younger ones with buying/wrapping etc. And there was absolutely none of this modern nonsense of every sibling getting a gift on one child’s birthday, you got gifts on your birthday and that was your day, on the siblings birthdays you celebrated with them and were happy for them.

These were valuable life lessons, imo. I think it’s shocking that people here are excusing teenagers from remembering their mother’s birthdays… these are presumably reasonably smart, functional teenagers, why wouldn’t or couldn’t they remember? And lol at the martyrdom of “oh I wouldn’t want them to spend their money on me”… you’re teaching them some awful lessons there and setting them up to be unpleasant thoughtless adults.

How can that possibly be a good thing?

Surely children should know the value of giving presents and want to acknowledge the people they love / do everything for them on their birthdays. Why he a martyr, what example is that for future relationships?

You need to talk to him. Explain that there are things in life he needs to acknowledge - he sounds like his father and it's up to you to make sure he realises that he needs to make an effort. What happens when he gets a partner? He needs to know how to show good manners and that he appreciated you

Really? You have low expectations.

I never understand why people accept this type of behaviour. You make a fuss of him and he literally ignores yours? Erm, no. Absolutely call him out and make clear your expectations.

If the chat doesn’t work, then scale back his presents and make much less fuss over him. If he can remember and acknowledge his friends, he can do the same for his mum.

@Pwdhnshb and some people having screwed up put their heads in the sand not knowing how to make amends. I wonder if there's a bit of shame or awkwardness on your son's part. However, the conversation needn't be a confrontation, simply explaining you're hurt and wondering why you don't get the same consideration he gives friends.

Boxes of chocolates are expensive! Especially to a kid that has no money.

A card for a quid I can go for.