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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Xmas proposal- Is that your present?

70 replies

Creamandtan · 30/04/2024 18:28

Discussing with a friend and we can’t agree so thought we would put it to a vote.

If your OH proposed or planned to propose at Xmas, would you still expect the normal amount of gifts/money he spends on you for Xmas also, or would the proposal be ok ad a substitute, and that be your Xmas present.

YABU- proposal is not a gift and would expect presents.
YANBU - proposal and no gifts would be fine.

OP posts:
Chatonette · 30/04/2024 18:32

How big is the diamond? 😂

Original poster
Creamandtan · 30/04/2024 18:33

Haha! Well I guess you wouldn’t know until the day….its a big risk…would you be happy to risk the rest of your Xmas presents on it? It’s a gamble!?

OP posts:
ItsADoggieDogWorld · 30/04/2024 18:33

A proposal is not a present. It really isn't. My other half proposed to me on my birthday. All lovely. Until I later found out that was my present. I was not at all impressed.
If you're a man, planning on the ring being the present. Just Don't.

Penguinmouse · 30/04/2024 18:33

I think Xmas/birthday proposals are the lamest thing - it smacks of forgetting to get a gift. Plus it’s nice to celebrate your engagement on its own day.

TotteringByRosie · 30/04/2024 18:33

A proposal isn't a present, they are different things completely. I'd still expect the usual gifts.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 30/04/2024 18:35

A proposal at Christmas is so predictable and generic I’d be furious anyway and of course it isn’t your present!

Precipice · 30/04/2024 18:35

It's not a present.

Think about it this way: is the person being proposed to getting something for the person doing the proposing? They're both getting engaged so if it's a gift, it's a mutual gift. Why is A getting an actual present for B, but B's 'present' to A is 'you get to spend the rest of your life with me because I'm such a prize'?

TTPD · 30/04/2024 18:36

A proposal isn't a present - what is being gifted, his commitment?

chaticat · 30/04/2024 18:37

What if they say no?

awkward

Shodan · 30/04/2024 18:37

Definitely not a present. A proposal should be separate from Christmas and birthday.

It just feels a bit cheap and attention-grabby, I think?

Itsonlymashadow · 30/04/2024 18:38

I don’t think it’s present, if it was for me. I think Christmas is a weird time to propose.

On the other hand, assuming the person being proposed to, really wants to get married, I would imagine they would be so happy they wouldn’t mind.

Or the person being proposed to may have wanted a particular ring that was out of budget so the proposer but the Christmas budget towards it to get their partner the ring they really wanted. So it’s both Christmas present and proposal.

I don’t want to get married, if dp proposed to me instead of a present it would be a short day all round. His present would say ‘I don’t listen to you’ and he would be pissed off I said No. So definitely not a present.

I don’t think it’s a simple as yes or no. I think lots of things would impact it.

HawkersEast · 30/04/2024 18:42

My DH proposed to me on Xmas day, it was hands down the most special thing, certainly not generic or cheap as other posters have commented.
His whole family was in on it and helped him organize it, his family are awesome.
I honestly don't recall if I got separate presents as obviously that was the last thing on my mind. My beautiful ring is the best present ever.

TTPD · 30/04/2024 18:50

TTPD · 30/04/2024 18:36

A proposal isn't a present - what is being gifted, his commitment?

Pressed post too soon but @Precipice put it better than I was going to anyway when she said "They're both getting engaged so if it's a gift, it's a mutual gift. Why is A getting an actual present for B, but B's 'present' to A is 'you get to spend the rest of your life with me because I'm such a prize'?"

If you view getting engaged as a gift, then both will receive that (if the answer to the proposal is yes).

Posithor · 30/04/2024 19:00

My now husband proposed to me on Christmas day - we're not massive on Christmas but do buy each other a gift - we did gifts and he did it on the evening

CountingCrones · 30/04/2024 19:05

Remember that total asshole who went viral on social media a few years ago for proposing to a woman during her graduation ceremony? and totally overshadowing her amazing achievement and making it all about him

I bet he thought it was the present too.

QuietLifeNoDrama · 30/04/2024 19:14

I'm probably in the minority as there wasn't even a ring when my husband proposed. I genuinely didn't care. If it had of been on Christmas Day/ my birthday and the ring was my only present that wouldn't worry me either. I think it probably depends on how well you know your partner as to whether it's ok or not.

SpaSpa · 30/04/2024 19:15

I got engaged on December 21st and then we also bought each other presents, It was our first Christmas together.

SevenSeasOfRhye · 30/04/2024 19:17

If he presented me with a ring, I would assume that was the present.

CommentNow · 30/04/2024 19:19

A proposal is not a gift any more than me accepting to be engaged is a gift.

It can literally be done any other time of year and still have xms presents.

Like marriage, it should be the icing on a cake, not the cake itself.

NotSmallButFunSize · 30/04/2024 19:19

I got engaged on Christmas Day - I had all my presents and then DH whipped the ring out too, would have been a bit 😒 if it had substituted normal presents!

CommentNow · 30/04/2024 19:24

QuietLifeNoDrama · 30/04/2024 19:14

I'm probably in the minority as there wasn't even a ring when my husband proposed. I genuinely didn't care. If it had of been on Christmas Day/ my birthday and the ring was my only present that wouldn't worry me either. I think it probably depends on how well you know your partner as to whether it's ok or not.

We haven't even done rings but it's the principle for me 😂

A proposal is not a gift in principle.

HappiestSleeping · 30/04/2024 19:26

I voted YABU but only because nobody should ever 'expect' presents. Either Christmas or birthday. They are a privilege, not a given.

Rosestulips · 30/04/2024 19:27

I wouldn’t be bothered, I’m not grabby though

KrisAkabusi · 30/04/2024 19:29

TTPD · 30/04/2024 18:36

A proposal isn't a present - what is being gifted, his commitment?

A ring that costs thousands?

Coconutter24 · 30/04/2024 19:30

If someone’s just spent a couple of grand on a ring then I’d be ok not receiving a dove bath set and some slipper socks 😂