Xmas proposal- Is that your present?

[Creamandtan]

Discussing with a friend and we can’t agree so thought we would put it to a vote.

If your OH proposed or planned to propose at Xmas, would you still expect the normal amount of gifts/money he spends on you for Xmas also, or would the proposal be ok ad a substitute, and that be your Xmas present.

YABU- proposal is not a gift and would expect presents.
YANBU - proposal and no gifts would be fine.

There’s a YouTube video clip of some idiot proposing to his girlfriend at halftime at a big basketball match, she’s visibly horrified (not clear whether it’s him or the setting) and runs out of the venue while the idiot is on bended knee in the middle of the floor, and the camera cuts to the team mascot, some giant furry thing, covering its eyes with its paws.

A proposal should be something that happens as well as all the other stuff. It's not something you do "instead of".

I'd be happy with it being my main pressie but would expect other gifts.

But dh didn't propose on my birthday.

I disagree... in today's (hopefully) equal society, an engagement ring is an outdated concept. I believe that women should be equal in relationships; she should be as independent, capable and financially secure as the man... so buying an expensive ring is simply a gesture rather than a contract/financial security as they may have been historically.

There's no reason why she can't simply declare herself engaged, book a registry office and pop there next weekend with a £10 silver ring. I did exactly that with my partner! As such, I consider an engagement ring, an extravagance, and equal to a gift.

But if he'd proposed on any other day of the year, he'd presumably still have spent that money on a ring, and got you a present on your birthday/for Christmas?

Love and healthy relationships are not based on money or gifts. Until you know the answer to this question you should not be getting engaged.

Depends on money I suppose. If budget was an issue I can see that the cost of an engagement might mean that a mountain of gifts wasn't viable as well. Nothing to stop a woman sharing in the cost of the ring/trip to Pais/party/balloons to free up cash for presents.
The whole engagement process and man having to gift the woman expensive jewellery is a bit of an anomaly in this day and age anyway, but if you're going in for that, you probably need to accept his terms.

It wouldn't bother me. I think so long as some thought's gone into it and the proposal isn't clearly an 'oh shit I forgot to buy a present' moment with no ring. My fiance proposed on my birthday as part of a night away, he also got me other thoughtful gifts as well as the ring. My Mum made snide comments about him proposing so he didn't have to buy me a gift, which I thought was quite a cynical assumption.

I agree with you @C1N1C but I don't think proposal or engagement should be something that's tacked on to another big event - it's something that deserves to be celebrated in its' own right.

We never buy each other Xmas gifts - because we don’t need anything. We both work and can buy want we need. I don’t expect a mountain of gifts at Christmas or birthday - since when has this been the expectation?

I also have a Christmas engagement and matching necklace - so two gifts.

Some of you sound granny and entitled, and shouldn’t base marriage on additional gifts and get what you can.

A proposal isn’t a present and I would be seriously naffed off if my DP proposed on Christmas/my birthday/Valentine’s it seems like such a cop out. Have discussed this with many of my friends and they are all in agreement.

However if my DP proposed over Christmas period and then told me I wouldn’t be getting much for Christmas due to the cost of the ring, I would be totally okay with just getting a few wrap ups.

I loved my Christmas proposal as its my favourite time of year & my now DH knew it, we married in December 2 years later.

But I did also get Christmas presents that year, not sure I would have been that bothered if I didn't though?

I was proposed to on my birthday. I received a normal amount of presents. He proposed in the evening though so I would have been very confused and annoyed if I hadn’t been given anything during the day.

No it bloody well isn't a gift the tight bastard. What just a proposal not even a ring??
Get rid of him now, it will only get worse.
Life is too short for this kind of disappointment.

"Grabby and entitled" Sorry but you sound like a right idiot.
By grabby and entitled do you mean a 2nd class citizen who shouldn't be ever considered or given any respect by men.

I'm constantly amazed that men proposing to women with a ring, and women waiting for a proposal is still a thing.

I can't believe that modern women actually want all this 'waiting for a man to propose' nonsense.

Why?

Christmas presents are given to celebrate the festival of Christmas.
A proposal is an invitation to spend the rest of your life with each other. An engagement ring is a gift to symbolise that.
They are completely different things.

But if you are measuring either by the "normal amount of gifts/money he spends on you" then you are being shallow.
If the situation is "I'll get her an engagement ring for Christmas so that I don't need to get another present" then it's really not someone I'd want to marry. Whereas if it's "she really loves celebrating Christmas so I'll propose then to make it special but I won't be able to afford another gift" then it's romantic.

I don't think anyone should agree to get married without discussing it first. It baffles me that people say yes to a surprise proposal having not discussed how they will exist together or how they will parent together or shared life goals, family plans, financial aims, career plans, etc.

I don't agree. That sounds really spoiled.

Fair point