To tell his wife

[friends101]

I should preface this by saying I'm not 100% sure he is still married, but all signs point to he is.

Please don’t give me any shit. I know how easily people can twist things so will try and be as clear as possible here.

I met a man through online dating. We’d been on a few dates before we got intimate. Both single, have kids of our own, looking for the same thing (relationship), had common interests and the dates went well.

I found out I was pregnant and this was obviously unplanned. When I told him he wasn’t panicked or worried we kind of just went with the flow, then he started ignoring me.

I had to text a couple times to get a response from him and he made his views clear weeks later that he didn’t want another child. I told him how I felt, that I couldn’t have an abortion just because he wanted me to. This is something I never saw myself doing.

It’s been a few months now, and I’m pretty certain he’s still married. The way he’s treating me is indicative of this.
My mental health is suffering to the point where I have panic attacks, stay in bed a lot and cannot get out. I no longer want to be pregnant and have been referred to a consultant. I’m over half way through the pregnancy now.

I have been feeling bouts of anger, sadness, uncertainty, fear, every emotion under the sun and not dealing with it very well. It’s making me want to tell his wife, but I don’t know if I’ll likely regret this later on. Her information is public.

Just need advice on whether to leave it alone or not. I honestly don’t know what to do.

That sounds awful. Nowhere near the same situation but for me, having contact with the other woman in his life made me feel worse (I was the one being cheated on). Are you under the perinatal mental health team?

I think you need to ask yourself why you would you want her to know ? If it’s so he will maybe talk to you again / come back to you I don’t think that will happen. If it’s to hurt him then this also hurts many other people, ie wife and children, too.

He told you he didn’t want another baby so this wouldn’t make him change his mind. I get this is difficult for you but you went into this knowing he didn’t want a baby and you did - which is totally fine - but it did mean you went into it knowing you were going to be a single parent.

I think the best thing would be to try and take all medical help and counselling offered and just stop thinking about him and become as strong as you can for you and your little one.

That's what I'm wrestling with. I think I want people to know so he doesn't get away with doing all this under the radar, or pretend as if it's not happening. Why should he get away Scott-free while I deal with the repercussions of it alone. I know I'm bitter right now, and hopefully this feeling goes away soon.
But I didn't go into it knowing he didn't want a baby. We spoke about more children on our dates so he 100% did at that point. And he should have told me his change of heart immediately, not months later.

I also have to mention I 100% do not want a relationship with him. The way he's treated me has been disgusting I could never want to be with or live with that.

Ok. I do appreciate this, this is the issue I'm wrestling with as it's not her fault at all.

Not yet but after the last couple of appointments I think they're referring me there. Ive broken down and not been able to stop crying when they start asking questions.

I would tell her. It's bound to come out sooner or later anyway. How will he hide child maintenance payments for example?

I'd rather be the one to tell her and make it clear I had no idea he was married than wait for him to paint you as some crazy woman luring him away.

If I was in her situation I'd want to know too. Who knows how many others he has on the go. He's putting her health at risk too.

I agree with PP she should be told, so she has some agency over what she does with the information and how she may want to proceed with her life. I would want to know if my OH was doing this, even if it blows my world apart.

He should also not get away without taking some responsibility for what he's done/doing to you and maybe other women.

I wish you all the best OP going forward.

Oh do fuck off.

Accidents happen. Why come on a thread like this where op is clearly struggling badly and say something cunty. Do you feel good about yourself?

Don’t worry about telling her. It will cause stress and upset to you. Concentrate on yourself and your baby. Don’t contact him again. Put in a claim via CMS when your baby is born and let him explain that to the wife (if she exists)

Good luck 💐💐

Op I'm not sure enough from your post that he's still married or that it's that he's freaking out that he's fathered another child. So i would be inclined to contact her and clarify if he's married or if they're separated and so that she's got the full picture if they are still together.

I would want to know if my other half was putting my physical health at risk by sleeping with someone else and if our income would be affected by him having to pay child support. Personally I'd ask him directly first though, he needs to realise that this is partly his responsibility and now he needs to step up and fulfil his obligations to your unborn child and you need to agree a level of communication around that whether he's still married or not.

Consider not just the outcome you want, but the other possible ones as well. One possibility is that nothing happens at all, and you’re ignored. Another one is that the wife, instead of doing what you believe she should do, defends ‘her man’ and attacks you. Consider why you’re mentally able to cope with.

You can’t make him step up and be involved with the child. He’ll be obliged to pay child support, and that’s it. Child support is not guaranteed, either, depending on his circumstances and if he is committed to avoiding it.

I can’t get my head around the fact that some people are such prize arseholes.

Are you sure he's still married and with his (ex) wife?

If so, absolutely tell her. He's a cheating weasel, and he needs to step up - at the very least for child maintenance payments. Not to mention that his other kids will have a half-sibling.

I don’t think his behaviour is indicative of him being married. I think it’s indicative of someone who doesn’t want more children. The way he’s handled it is shit and you have every right to be angry about that but it’s not evidence of him being married, it’s evidence of him being an arsehole. Have you got any concrete evidence that he’s married @friends101?

What is it that makes you think he’s married? I think she will find out sooner or later, even if it’s if you claim maintenance payments.

With kindness, I think you need to concentrate on your and the baby, your feelings and coming to terms with this and bringing up this child. I don't think you should give headspace to chasing around trying to locate his wife, if he has one, to tell her what's happened. The results are unpredictable and you could find yourself with a further heap of upset dumped on you.

Yes if I was sure he's married I'd tell her, without second thought. She deserves to know and get an STI test.

Please ask them to refer you as soon as possible. They are wonderful people who will really help you decide what you want to do.

I think I'd have to be absolutely certain that he is still married and with his wife before I told her. If I was 100% sure then I'd tell her.

For me personally it was the best thing ever when OW reached out to me and told me that she is having regular sex with my then partner.

Otherwise i'd never know and waste my precious time on piece of shit my ex was .

I'm sorry you are going through this and yes i'd tell her
X

While she absolutely deserves the know, she might take her anger out on you and that's the last thing you need right now. While there's an argument saying you should tell her, there's also a very strong argument saying you need to protect yourself. She might be grateful for the information, but she might really not be. I think for now just concentrate on you and your baby. You could always tell her later on when you are more secure yourself and have more information about whether or not they are still married. Telling her doesn't have to mean telling her now.

It sounds to me like you have enough on your plate without stabbing his potential wife into it, you don't know what she's like or how she will react, plus you're not 100% sure he's married either.
So personally, I wouldn't start contact with the potential wife.

As for your mental health, can you talk to your midwife or GP for some advice?
Hope you feel better soon

DRAGGING
NOT STABBING!!

Blimey😅😂

I think you really should focus on your own MH. Talking to his wife at this stage might not help your situation.

Undoubtedly your mental health is the most important thing here but I agree with everything @Lavender14 has said. This wasn't a one off drunken one night stand to be put down to experience.
He can't just bury his head in the sand and pretend it never happened. There's going to be a child involved whether he's still married or not, and he has to take some responsibility even if that's just financially.