To tell his wife

[friends101]

I should preface this by saying I'm not 100% sure he is still married, but all signs point to he is.

Please don’t give me any shit. I know how easily people can twist things so will try and be as clear as possible here.

I met a man through online dating. We’d been on a few dates before we got intimate. Both single, have kids of our own, looking for the same thing (relationship), had common interests and the dates went well.

I found out I was pregnant and this was obviously unplanned. When I told him he wasn’t panicked or worried we kind of just went with the flow, then he started ignoring me.

I had to text a couple times to get a response from him and he made his views clear weeks later that he didn’t want another child. I told him how I felt, that I couldn’t have an abortion just because he wanted me to. This is something I never saw myself doing.

It’s been a few months now, and I’m pretty certain he’s still married. The way he’s treating me is indicative of this.
My mental health is suffering to the point where I have panic attacks, stay in bed a lot and cannot get out. I no longer want to be pregnant and have been referred to a consultant. I’m over half way through the pregnancy now.

I have been feeling bouts of anger, sadness, uncertainty, fear, every emotion under the sun and not dealing with it very well. It’s making me want to tell his wife, but I don’t know if I’ll likely regret this later on. Her information is public.

Just need advice on whether to leave it alone or not. I honestly don’t know what to do.

Surely she will need to find out at some point anyway? Your baby will have half brothers/sisters who are her kids so she will need to know about you. So I would tell her.

It’s not her responsibility to facilitate a relationship between her children and a potential half sibling. It’s the father’s.

OP I wouldn’t make any decision about telling the wife (if you manage to get concrete evidence they are still together) whilst you’re feeling so low.

Why would she need to find out? Always assuming he’s still married - OP has no real proof that he is. His existing kids are nothing to do with OP and her child apart from shared DNA, it’s highly unlikely they’d have any kind of relationship or even meet. The crucial thing is that he pays.

Really? If I were a child and found out that I had half siblings living nearby that nobody had told me about, that would mess me up. Equally if I discovered my dad had fathered another child that I didn’t know about. They are the child’s family and the adults need to ensure they at least know about each others existence.

I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling so low and I’m glad that you are getting help. I agree with the posters who say that you need to focus on yourself and not on your waste of space ex.

I see that you no longer want to be pregnant and of course you now that a termination is no longer an option . However adoption is still open to you, if that’s what you want. You would be able to have some input into which family adopted your children, you could meet them and perhaps have an annual update on how the child was doing.

You can’t make a decision on this ( legally ) until you baby is 6 weeks old. But you can make a plan with social services to have your baby placed with foster carers who will then go on to adopt, if that’s what you want. That means baby avoids several moves , which are very damaging. This is called “ concurrent planning “.

You retain parental rights until the adoption order is granted and you can change your mind until then. As part of the process they would contact your ex and asked for his consent. If he won’t give it, the court will still grant the adoption of its in baby’s best interest.

Im sure I will get some hate for even mentioning this to you - lots of people will say “ oh I could never do that “ and sadly a few people some hate adopted children. But it’s an option for mums who feel they can’t parent their child, for whatever reason .

Adoption is not for everyone , the same as abortion.

But I’m pro choice so I think you need to know that making an adoption plan for your baby is a valid choice . Again, only if that’s right for you.

I wish you well whatever you decide.

I would not tell her. But I would pursue him for financial support. So I guess she might find out anyway.

Well he's going to have to pay maintenance so whomever he is with will find out soon enough. Wiser thing would be to cut him out, don't name him on the birth certificate and give your baby a peaceful childhood.

Just to be clear, you have absolutely no idea whether he's still married. In fact there's nothing in your opening post to suggest that at all. You only say It’s been a few months now, and I’m pretty certain he’s still married. The way he’s treating me is indicative of this.

Unfortunately* *men we haven't known for long are often capable of treating us shittily, it doesn't give any indication that he's married, only that he doesn't want a relationship with the baby and you, sadly. I think the "shall I tell his wife" question is a moot point and you would be better off focusing on you and baby.

As you are, understandably, so angry I'm sure you would have found some tangible evidence of a wife if there was one, I think you need to let go of this idea.

Does it matter if OP is certain they're still together or not?

If OP contacts the possible wife and they're not together, the worst that will happen is she'll reply that they aren't together. Nothing lost by doing that.

Does it matter if OP is certain they're still together or not?

Well yes, it kind of does. If I’d been contacted by my ex’s latest squeeze I’d have been seriously pissed off and would have told her it’s none of my business and would she kindly fuck off.

Even if she said she was pregnant with a half-sibling of your own children with your ex?

Yes, in the vein as his wife not necessarily behaving as you’d expect - what if they are still together and they decide they want to be involved in your babies life…meaning you’re sending your precious newborn/toddler/small child and later teenager off into an established family life with a long-married couple with children for weekends, holidays, etc.

To me that would be the most painful of all the potential outcomes.

Yes.

What, that the child has a good relationship with their father and half siblings? Why would that be the most painful outcome? Do you think that the child would agree with that - that they would rather that their dad abandoned them and showed no interest than that they went to stay at his house regularly?

His wife could easily “ Go for you” in a territorial way.
Especially if she knows you are pregnant by her husband.

Be prepared for some ripe language.

Okay, I think I’d want to know about that and try to think of a way of telling my kids about it so that they don’t find out by accident years later. That would apply whether or not I was married to the father.

Imagine the husband and father of your children having a baby with someone else and not knowing about it. Fuck me, I would want to know. I would decimate him. I'd have no issue with the mother of his baby though, I'd see her as a fellow victim of a despicable man.

If he's married you should tell her. He is exposing her to potentially deadly STIs. I would want to know.

Men really need to ALWAYS use condoms that they have purchased themselves and disposed of afterwards securely, when casually dating.

Yes it’s idiotic of men like him to have unprotected sex with someone they have just met, especially when they have existing children. I’m sure he didn’t want another child but perhaps take steps to prevent that then. 🙄

And women should protect themselves without relying on men to do that for them. It goes both ways. It takes TWO to make a baby.

It’s just insanity not to use condoms.
Condoms OR a vasectomy-

Women do have a knack of “ getting pregnant “ despite being supposedly on pill or other device-

It’s a foolish man to trust any woman.

Condom up or snip snip.

or both as vasectomies don’t protect against STD’s.

OP I think you have bigger issues to work on than telling his wife (if she is indeed his wife). I would focus on the baby you are carrying and consider all your options and what you would like to do going forward. Get the mental support you need first. Sending you good wishes.

Yes it does but women at least have a choice as to whether to keep the pregnancy. The OP could have terminated but didn’t want to, as is her right. A man who doesn’t want a child needs to do all he can to ensure that whoever he sleeps with doesn’t become pregnant, knowing that if she does, the decision about whether the pregnancy goes ahead will not be his to make. Plenty of men are happy to have unprotected sex and then say they never wanted a child. If you don’t want a child, then condoms or vasectomy unless you are in a LTR and trust your partner.

Yes I agree with you. It’s important for both partners to protect themselves. There are far too many cases of women who expect their partners to protect them. Not saying this is the case here although it might be since none of them had protection.

In this case what happened happened and at least OP does (did?) have a choice to do what she wanted. It’s a shame that’s now changed and hopefully she can deal with the consequences in a way that is not making her unwell.