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Original poster

To tell his wife

70 replies

friends101 · 30/04/2024 10:15

I should preface this by saying I'm not 100% sure he is still married, but all signs point to he is.

Please don’t give me any shit. I know how easily people can twist things so will try and be as clear as possible here.

I met a man through online dating. We’d been on a few dates before we got intimate. Both single, have kids of our own, looking for the same thing (relationship), had common interests and the dates went well.

I found out I was pregnant and this was obviously unplanned. When I told him he wasn’t panicked or worried we kind of just went with the flow, then he started ignoring me.

I had to text a couple times to get a response from him and he made his views clear weeks later that he didn’t want another child. I told him how I felt, that I couldn’t have an abortion just because he wanted me to. This is something I never saw myself doing.

It’s been a few months now, and I’m pretty certain he’s still married. The way he’s treating me is indicative of this.
My mental health is suffering to the point where I have panic attacks, stay in bed a lot and cannot get out. I no longer want to be pregnant and have been referred to a consultant. I’m over half way through the pregnancy now.

I have been feeling bouts of anger, sadness, uncertainty, fear, every emotion under the sun and not dealing with it very well. It’s making me want to tell his wife, but I don’t know if I’ll likely regret this later on. Her information is public.

Just need advice on whether to leave it alone or not. I honestly don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 30/04/2024 15:49

SirenSays · 30/04/2024 11:05

Yes if I was sure he's married I'd tell her, without second thought. She deserves to know and get an STI test.

This.

She deserves to know if her health may be at risk.

She'll find out anyway when you put a CMS claim in.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 30/04/2024 16:16

I wouldn’t tell her.

This is about you, and in due course, him for CMS.

Don’t risk any bad reaction on your own MH, and don’t use an innocent woman in order to get revenge on him. Their marriage, if it is in place, is their territory , and it isn’t your responsibility to tell her what a shit bag he is.

Concentrate on positive things for you: getting help for your MH and decision making.

Problemnumber99 · 30/04/2024 19:05

Is he wealthy? Blackmail him 😜

Only joking..sort of. But he is a walking problem, chuck him back into the sea and enjoy your baby. If you involve his wife, he'll be forced by her to take an interest in your child. Then the poor child will get mixed up in the disaster, and ultimately get hurt by a dad who didn't really want them.

Walk away with your head held high 👑

Createausername1970 · 30/04/2024 19:12

booksandpizza · 30/04/2024 11:50

DRAGGING
NOT STABBING!!

Blimey😅😂

Show quote history

Oh god, just spat my tea out laughing 🤣🤣

Marblessolveeverything · 30/04/2024 19:17

I wouldn't at the moment because you have enough on your plate. Disclosing to her now could bring extra stress for you at the moment when you have to prioritise your well being.

Engaging with your medical team getting to the end of the pregnancy and recovering need to be your priority. Park everything else until you have built in some capacity to handle what that disclosure could bring.

Bewareofthisonetoo · 30/04/2024 19:25

Ignore her.
Do what you need to do for yourself and the baby which means CMS.
He can deal with her - not your problem.

booksandpizza · 30/04/2024 19:41

@Createausername1970 😂 wouldn't be the best way to go about it, would it🤣

LanaL · 30/04/2024 19:48

I would usually always agree that the wife should know , she deserves to.

However , you were unaware of her. You have not done anything wrong and you have to think of how you will be affected if it comes out . You don’t know what she’s like - would you get backlash from her , her friends , her family , him ? You are carrying a child and need to make that child and you the priority and protect your peace . You are a victim here like she is - you don’t need to choose her feelings over yours . Maybe wait until you have the baby and feel stronger , then hit him for CM!

Acornsoup · 30/04/2024 21:39

WTF @oakleaffy - it's a foolish man to trust any woman.

Lovely bit of casual misogyny there. Especially since it's none of the women having an affair.

SpringerFall · 30/04/2024 21:41

LanaL · 30/04/2024 19:48

I would usually always agree that the wife should know , she deserves to.

However , you were unaware of her. You have not done anything wrong and you have to think of how you will be affected if it comes out . You don’t know what she’s like - would you get backlash from her , her friends , her family , him ? You are carrying a child and need to make that child and you the priority and protect your peace . You are a victim here like she is - you don’t need to choose her feelings over yours . Maybe wait until you have the baby and feel stronger , then hit him for CM!

The op had choices the word victim is way overused

PrueRamsay · 30/04/2024 21:48

Given the fact that your mental health is currently fragile, I would put off contacting the wife/ex wife for now. You can think about that later, and he may have to tell her anyway if he has to explain why such a % of his income is disappearing each month.

Just concentrate on your own well being, and preparing for the baby. How old are your DC? Do you have friends and family who can support you?

Try to take it one day at a time.

Quitelikeit · 30/04/2024 21:48

She will find out when you make a claim for maintenance?

If you weren’t so emotional right now then I’d say yes she needs to know the truth but you don’t seem in the best place at the moment

Its a shame what has happened but there’s always a risk of men walking away and closing the door completely.

Maybe revisit this when you feel better mentally and tell yourself that in the beginning you were happy to proceed alone and that things will be fine. It could be your hormones playing up

C1N1C · 30/04/2024 22:00

He said he wanted children because it makes you think he's a nice guy, that he could be a father, and that it's ok to lower your defences. He just wanted to get into your pants. Similar 'lines' are that he's into marriage, loves kids (in general), and is really looking forward to being married.

I think you want to tell her our of spite. He hurt you, so now you want to hurt him. If you have the baby, tell him you're having it, and as long as he keeps up payments, it will stay between you. After this, he'll probably think twice about sleeping around anyway!

Those saying they'd tell the wife out of some altruistic thing relating to STDs are talking out their arse (IMHO)... It's all vindictive.

jelly79 · 30/04/2024 22:10

Oh lovely it's a really emotional time for you and I think you need to protect your space and try to enjoy this pregnancy now.

You are right this is so unfair but you need to focus on you, your kids and your new baby. Surround yourself with your friends and family and avoid any drama he brings

You may have to co-parent with him and any drama now could make this harder on yourself x

Bewareofthisonetoo · 30/04/2024 22:13

I think you want to tell her out of spite. He hurt you, so now you want to hurt him. If you have the baby, tell him you're having it, and as long as he keeps up payments, it will stay between you. After this, he'll probably think twice about sleeping around anyway!
This

BIossomtoes · 30/04/2024 22:14

Bewareofthisonetoo · 30/04/2024 22:13

I think you want to tell her out of spite. He hurt you, so now you want to hurt him. If you have the baby, tell him you're having it, and as long as he keeps up payments, it will stay between you. After this, he'll probably think twice about sleeping around anyway!
This

Yup.

Lavender14 · 30/04/2024 22:42

Bewareofthisonetoo · 30/04/2024 22:13

I think you want to tell her out of spite. He hurt you, so now you want to hurt him. If you have the baby, tell him you're having it, and as long as he keeps up payments, it will stay between you. After this, he'll probably think twice about sleeping around anyway!
This

I'm not sure where people have got this idea that op is being spiteful, I don't think ops post reads overly spiteful in any way. At the end of the day, he's been having unprotected sex AT LEAST with op but if he's online dating there's every chance it's happened before with other women. Women can be left infertile due to asymptomatic STIs. STIs are more likely to be asymptomatic in women than in men. It doesn't matter if he never sleeps around again, the damage could be done and as op has said his wife hasn't done anything to deserve that. There's nothing spiteful in passing on the info and leaving it at that.

KiwiOtter · 30/04/2024 22:45

I would want to know if I were her, wouldn’t you?

SpaSpa · 30/04/2024 22:47

Do you want to keep the baby?

3xchaos · 30/04/2024 22:50

Right now I'd focus on you and the baby keep as calm as possible. Detach from it for the time being
You're literally a different person pregnant. I was crazy absolutely crazy hormonal with my last baby I had 4 months ago. I hated being pregnant so much I felt I didn't want him and the second I had him omg he's everything to me. And I dare say I've bonded so much better with him than my other children even though I love them dearly.
After youve had the baby and are in a routine I'd completely tell the other woman and leave it at that. I'd cut all contact with the man

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