Should I be angry with DH or friends?

[Anothe]

DH and I having a rough patch atm. He thinks I need to get angry about how my sister and a few friends are reacting to something that has happened to us. I don’t want to - she’s my sister - and they are my friends.
He tells me what I should be saying to them. Am I being a flying monkey? I just don’t feel the same anger, and he gets frustrated because I’m being wimpy. They have their reasons which I understand. I also feel exhausted from his emotions and have no anger left!

Trouble is, every morning we discuss what’s happened and what to do and it always turns into a row it seems.

anyway the other day I didn’t answer my phone. He said,‘aren’t you going to answe that? That’s suspicious’ I called back and It was one of the many robot calls I’m getting. But I was really cross, how dare he accuse me of suspicious calls! What’s he implying? He said I was overreacting.
yesterday I reheat new potatoes and leave 3 teeny ones on my plate. In front of DS he says, ‘are you going to leave them, that’s a waste’ I was really embarrassed.
He spends a fortune on stuff in the supermarket.

im so muddled. Do I tell friends what he wants me to? It will ruin our friendship and he says, well then they’re not real friends.
what do I say next time he says something like this in front of ds?

this is all quite odd op

Hard to say without knowing what happened

You don’t sound like a partnership. Why is Dh giving you instructions and telling offs like you’re 12?
Maybe your rough patch needs to be a separation until you both figure out how to fix it. It’s not for him to tell you how to deal with your friends/sister.

Why are you embarrassed about potatoes on your plate? It’s hard to understand what’s going on

Need more details about the issue with sisters/friends

This sounds chaotic. Sounds like a lot of growing up needs doing.

If YOU don’t want to get angry with your sister and friends, then don’t. Anger can be a useful emotion as a catalyst to change, but it is more often destructive to both you and the people on the receiving end.

It’s hard to understand what is going on in your relationship with your husband, but it sounds like you are both hurting over something ( loss of job? Money issues?) , and your DH is taking things out on you. Is this a temporary thing or has he always been so reactionary?

Are you happy and do you see yourself being happy in the future?

Hard to unpick without specifics. Generally on MN partners who don't back up their other half are the problem.
BUT it's also very weird that he is TELLING you what to say and how to react. So is this a case of backing up your DH or is it something else?

If you can't back up your DH and you're agreeing with family/ friends are ThEY in your best interests or their own.

Lots to consider

Of course you shouldn't tell people things just because he wants you to. At best you could tell them his opinion, but only if you choose. Your relationship with them is nothing to do with him. Is it because they've been less than complimentary about his abilities as a husband? Tell him to drop it, you will not discuss it any further.
As for saying you wasted 3 new potatoes, I think you're being a bit oversensitive about that. Just smile and say 'well, do you want them?' but I get why you're upset with him as he sounds awful. And 'suspicious' that you don't answer your phone for his morning rant? He needs to get over that sharpish.

It sounds like he is trying to separate you from your friends and family. Could that be the case?

Look up coercive control

It's difficult to understand the situation from what you've written, but in short no person should be dictating the emotional response of another.

If you feel sad about something, he shouldn't be telling you to feel happy, or vice versa, that's not how feelings work.

He does sound controlling.

No one can say if you don’t say what the issue is with your friends and sister that he thinks you should get angry about.

im also not sure why you were embarrassed about 3 small potatoes.

What did your friends do?

It's up to you how you react to it, not him.

Without knowing what's happened to cause his reaction , it sounds like he is trying to isolate you from family and friends . Don't let anyone tell you how to feel .

I don't know what's going on here, to be honest.
Re potatoes and phone calls, I wouldn't really react to this. Seems like a non-issue. It wouldn't bother me that it was said in front of my child. In fact, when my partner is being unreasonable to me she is the first one to say "dad, why are you acting like that" so embarrassment is 100% his.
As far as you friends, why does he need you to be go-between. If he has something to say to them, he should be the one doing it.
And why discuss whatever happened every morning if it leads to arguments?
Either he is incredibly controlling or both of you have some major communication issues. No way to figure that out without specifics.

Is it “something that has happened” to you and DH or you and sister and friends? If the first then he could tell them if he wants to. I’m assuming that you and DH have different opinions about it although the post isn’t that clear
it seems as if that one thing has morphed into disagreements about lots of unconnected other things

What?

Please may I have a crumb of context?

Sorry to be so confusing! Im trying to keep it short, and not reveal too much.
thank you for attempting to untangle my post. I appreciate the advice very much.
re potatoes(!) I was embarrassed because he’d said I’d wasted them in front of son. I’m concerned this kind of thing affects son (16) Son then said he didn’t need a pudding. DH had bought posh pud without batting an eyelid. Maybe I’m being too sensitive.
the something that happened happened to DH and I, and it’s stressful in its self, but causing stress too.
i guess I’m posting because I am not sure what is acceptable or rational behavior from DH or me anymore.

Christ almighty. This sounds familiar - exactly the playbook my abusive ex followed. He is trying to isolate you from the people who will call him out on this sort of behaviour so he can continue and potentially escalate it. Please speak to someone in real life about coercive control. Women's Aid are great.

To be honest I’m not sure your behaviour is rational either, and really don’t get the 3 potatoes and your son.

re reading and thinking, conkersinautumn about backing partner up.
I think the problem is that if I don’t agree with him it feels as if I get persueded until I do.
maybe he is controlling.

freakin that’s why I’m posting! I don’t know if I’m being rational any more. Maybe I should be being feisty and telling my sister and my friends off like he wants. I don’t think so, but he does keep going on.
thanks fozwomble I’m sorry you had a rotten time. I kind of wondered if he wants me isolated, but I can’t see why it would benefit him. It’s not like I have loads of mates. He just disagrees with their viewpoints.

But telling them off for what op? Why does he think you should be a vey with them?

freakin I know, I sound mad.
lid used old fish out of the freezer and last nights potatoes so it wasn’t the best dinner. I get over sensitive when he criticizes me in front of son. It’s not often, but he can say things that sound a bit snidely then he sort of looks at our son as if for approval. Maybe he doesn’t, but it’s how it seems to me.

my friends are helpful given that everyone has their own lives and stresses. He disagrees with how they are supporting us and says I need to get them round to our/his way of thinking, as once they understand better, they may be able to help. That does sound mad.