Should I be angry with DH or friends?

[Anothe]

DH and I having a rough patch atm. He thinks I need to get angry about how my sister and a few friends are reacting to something that has happened to us. I don’t want to - she’s my sister - and they are my friends.
He tells me what I should be saying to them. Am I being a flying monkey? I just don’t feel the same anger, and he gets frustrated because I’m being wimpy. They have their reasons which I understand. I also feel exhausted from his emotions and have no anger left!

Trouble is, every morning we discuss what’s happened and what to do and it always turns into a row it seems.

anyway the other day I didn’t answer my phone. He said,‘aren’t you going to answe that? That’s suspicious’ I called back and It was one of the many robot calls I’m getting. But I was really cross, how dare he accuse me of suspicious calls! What’s he implying? He said I was overreacting.
yesterday I reheat new potatoes and leave 3 teeny ones on my plate. In front of DS he says, ‘are you going to leave them, that’s a waste’ I was really embarrassed.
He spends a fortune on stuff in the supermarket.

im so muddled. Do I tell friends what he wants me to? It will ruin our friendship and he says, well then they’re not real friends.
what do I say next time he says something like this in front of ds?

Honestly op it's impossible to give much support with so little context.

Something happened to you and DH, he wants your friends and family to support you in a specific way and they won't? Can you give a comparable example?

Re potatoes, why did DS decline pudding because CV you didn't eat all your potatoes? Because he was worried money was so tight Dad was worried about potatoes?

He wants to isolate you from your friends and family.

That is abusive behaviour.

Is he financially controlling?

He comes over as a controlling twat

@Anothe

Does he ever change his mind or compromise for you?

Are you ever afraid to say what you think or feel? What happens if he disagrees with something you say or do?
Does he make life difficult until you go along with him as its easier?
Do you feel like you are always walking on eggshells and having to pick the right moment to say things?

My ex was like this but it happened slowly over a long period of time andI couldn't see it for years!

I’m concerned this kind of thing affects son (16)

That ship has well and truly sailed OP

If your DH is pissed off and wants you to stand up for him with your friends because, IDK, they were dicks to him, YABU.

If your friends didn't use a coaster and he wants you to have a pop,, YANBU.

We need to know what the issue is. It's hard to advise otherwise.

This is completely incomprehensible. My answer would vary massively depending on whether or not you are being unreasonable in not fighting with your sister and friends. But we can't tell if you are or are not because you are being so vague.

so either he is hurt and upset because you're not backing him up, in which case I understand why he's snappy and a bit irritable.
OR
he is a controlling ass who is trying to drive a wedge between you and your family and friends.

Impossible to say.

As PP have said, it’s impossible to tell from your posts what’s gone on and whether your sister and friends have let you down really badly or not. But the fact that he seems to want you to alienate yourself from your DSIS and friends is ringing alarm bells for me.

I think this all hinges on what has happened to you, what your friends have done to support you and what your DH thinks they should have done instead.

Tell him that your feelings towards your sister and friends are valid and he has no right to try and tell you what you should be thinking or saying to YOUR loved ones.
To be honest he sounds like he is using whatever this situation is to isolate you from people.
The food issue is very controlling also. Just smile, say you're full and put it in the bin, don't engage in any discussion about it. Whether you clear your plate or not is your business.

So what actually happened to you and dh?
What was sister and friends reaction?

Help you with what? It’s like pulling teeth.

Your husband is a cunt - hope that helps. Why would you want to bring up your child to witness this is how their father treats their mother?

Perhaps your sister and friends don’t think the way your DH wants them to for good reason. Perhaps your DH is a nasty bully and you need to be free of him.

It really depends.

If it's their reaction to him being abusive/controlling/horrible to you/cheating then of course he wants to drive a further wedge between you and them.

If it's their reaction to a trauma, bereavement, big life event etc., especially if you complained about it to him or it made you upset then he might have a point.

It really depends on the situation.

'im so muddled. Do I tell friends what he wants me to?'

Kindly OP, why on earth would you tell friends what he wants you to - unless you agree with him?

What do YOU think? What do YOU believe? That what should guide your conversations with your husband, your friends or anyone else!

And if you can't answer that, then find a way to work that out.

He should not be scolding you for leaving food on your plate, no way would I put up with that. And the phone thing would piss me off too. However, neither of those things is automatically LTB territory, they could just be telling him to wind his neck in territory.

Without the details of the main issue it's difficult to advise. Though him telling you what to say to people doesn't sound good, unless you've actually asked his advice on what to say.

I don't really think we have enough information here. Normally I'd expect a woman to back her DH if her family are being difficult but not if he's being petty.

Sorry but what does he want you to tell your friends and family off about?

I think you should listen to your sister and friends. Sound like they have your best interests at heart. Can’t say the same about your husband.

Or maybe you should be feisty and tell him to stop childishly picking at you?

Difficult to tell from a snapshot but the sense of lacking confidence in your own perspective is palpable @Anothe. That makes me a bit concerned for you.

If you are genuinely at the point where leaving three potatoes uneaten is causing you anxiety, all is not well. It's impossible for us to know why that is but it never hurts to look at your relationships and consider if they are a contributing factor.

If your life partner regularly criticises you in front of your child and is also trying to drive a wedge between you and your family I wouldn't rule out controlling and coercive behaviour. It's a mistake to think there needs to be physical violence for it to qualify. Masters at it don't need to do anything more than choose their words carefully.

He may not be but it doesn't hurt to do some internet reading around this, although be sure to hide your tracks.

Hope you feel better soon.

It's really difficult to give you any useful advice here. From your first couple of posts, it sounded like your DH might be trying to separate you from your friends and family, which is concerning.

Then you say he wants support from them - that might be valid. It really depends what you're going through. If he'd like them to come in and chat and they're leaving ready meals at the door, a conversation with them about how you'd like to be supported could be worthwhile.

The potato thing is a bit bizarre. I'm not sure that I'd take "Are you not going to eat those?" type comments as a criticism, I'd probably just ask if he wanted them, but I also probably wouldn't have been trying to hide it. Do you have any food issues? Do you just feel very anxious around him non-stop?

Joining the chorus of confusion Son then said he didn’t need a pudding. DH had bought posh pud without batting an eyelid.
What's wrong with your son not wanting pudding or your DH buying it?

Also can't tell who wants your friends/family to be supporting your family and what with!