In laws ...not sure if I'm being Unreasonable

[bert3400]

My lovely dad suddenly passed away last Tuesday it has completely shocked us all, as he was very fit and healthy. My inlaws found out, has they were visiting one of my adult kids when the news came in .For
Context my in laws have been on holiday with my parents, independent of me and DH, also holidays with all of the family. They are also regular guest at family meals at my parents house, we all generally get on very well. Tonight I had a short message from MIL wishing me, Dh and DC a message of condolences. Neither FIL or MIL have messaged my mum, it has been noticed their silence. I am getting so angry at them and at this moment, never want to lay eyes on them again. I feel it's really hurtful to my mum that they can't even send a message or text, when she needs all the support she can get . I ranted at my DH ( who has been amazing) telling him that I may not recover from their lack of empathy and I'm so angry at them ...aibu ? Sorry for the long post

I am so so sorry for your loss. How shocking for you and how awful for your mum.

My experience in life is that people have odd reactions to death. A friend whose 18 year old daughter died told me people would cross the street rather than have to say hello to her in the aftermath. some people don't deal well.

That said, I wonder if your in laws were not wanting to intrude on your mother's grief. They sent a message to you but didn't want to bother her?

Ask your dh to tell his parents to contact your mum. at least that will deal with the hurt she is feeling.

I'm so sorry for what you are all going through.

It may simply be that they do not want to intrude on immediate families grief.

I understand that people don’t know what to say, I really do. But I don’t think people get how bad it feels if they say nothing. Even if someone hasn’t told you themselves that someone close to them died, and you get to hear of it, I think it will always be right to say you are sorry for their loss.

I wouldn’t think your ILs are close enough family that they should be intruding on your mother right now. If they live reasonably close they should try to attend the funeral. If not, I would expect that they will send a formal condolence card. A message or a text this soon would be far too much from someone at their level of connection.

I am so sorry op, my deepest condolences.

Yanbu at all.

Wise heads would suggest that you wait before you say anything. Speaking while everything is so painfully raw may escalate further than it should.

In your shoes, I'm not sure wisdom would prevail but I'm still going to say let your dh deal with them. You certainly dont have to forgive them.

Thank you for your lovely kind words.

It's the silence from them that is so painful. I mean they have pretty much been to my parents house every month for the last 20 + years for meals, every year we all holiday together....so them saying nothing has really hurt my mum & me.
I agree with keeping my anger to a minimum level , as I have never experienced this kind of grief before, the sudden unexpected death of my dad has completely floored me and I may be irrational. Thank you ❤️

People handle death differently. They may not want to be seen as bombarding her at this awful time. Get your dh to prompt them to message say she would appreciate the thought

@bert3400 it's inexcusable, but perhaps they're intending to wait until after this first week to reach out, as the first few days can be such a turmoil for the bereaved.

Give them a few more days and judge away in your head x

As pp's have said, it's very difficult for some people to formulate a message to the bereaved. You say they have contacted you by text - could be because they know you have your husband there to support you. Personally I can't imagine sending that kind of message by text. I don't know why but it sounds too casual.I would send a card or wait until I saw the person. I would give it some time before judging. So sorry for your loss.

I have to say I would never text someone about a loss not even immediate family, it would be face to face. Also lots of people have no clue what to say so rather than thinking they may upset a person end up saying nothing. Nothing to get angry about and I'm sorry for your loss

These people have gone on holiday with the op's parents, without the op and her husband. They go on family holidays, the regularly attend family meals. They are not just mere casual acquaintances. A quick call or text is not "intruding." Good grief.

If it was me, I would have sent your mum a card. Possibly it got stuck in the post and not arrived yet. Royal Mail has been terrible round here lately.

I also think that it may be a wish to not intrude on your Mum's grief. When I lost my Mum I pretty much resented my MIL for every little thing she did because she was still here to do them and my Mum wasn't. It was completely unfair but I couldn't help myself. Still feel a bit like that now 10 years later to be completely honest as she falls so short of the Grandmother I saw my Mum be too my sister's children. She died before I had mine.

You're in shock, now's not the time to decide how you feel about their actions/inactions, you need to look after yourself and your Mum. If you feel like it's really affecting her then a quick word with DH to pass on to his parents might clear up any indecision about what they should/shouldn't be doing might clear up any confusion.

I'm very very sorry for your loss, try not to give this too much headspace and keep your focus on whatever will help you most during this terrible time.

If a text to you is all they intend to do, then YANBU. That’s extremely poor behaviour. In our family we would be visiting or at the very least calling you to find out when would be ok to visit or call.

Did PIL ever invite your parents for dinner?

There's nothing for OP to forgive in the first place. She's over reacting.

@exomoon yes many time my Parents have been to their house . Mine and DH families are intertwined. We have been together for 25 years and we are very close to both sets of parents.

I think the light of the day helps, night times are awful as my mind goes into overdrive especially as I'm not sleeping.

I am going to park the anger and focus on getting my mum and myself through this unbearable time.

Thank you, it's really helped get opinions and a different perspective ❤️

She's grieving for her dad, leave her alone.

Glad you feel better today

@RedHelenB maybe I am overreacting, grief is a terrible emotion where logic and rational thoughts don't apply . I'm normally level headed but the instinctive need to protect my mum is overwhelming, especially at night when sleeping is not forthcoming.

I personally don't think texting is appropriate in such circumstances. A phone call, face to face or a card or letter ( which may well be in the post.. and god only knows when that will arrive these days!) is much more personal.
As previously mentioned they might be giving it a few days for the immediate family to grieve. Your husband could say something ( kind) to them perhaps.. they will be in shock too at the sudden loss and may just not know what to say.
Be kind to You and your Mum.. both very vulnerable at this time.

Bombarding by sending at least one text message??
To people who you have eaten at their home monthly for 20years, holidayed with and were close to?
I think it's disgusting that they have done this. Unbelievable the amount of excuses people are making. At their age they should know better. One text message at the very bare minimum is the very least they could do and takes NO effort at all.

Kindly, I think your anger is a little misplaced as you are understandably in shock and grief. The fact they have sent condolences to you show they care.
It's very early days and they might pop round/send a card/send flowers to your mum in due course.

If it's upsetting you perhaps your husband could gently ask his mum whether she has spoken to your mum yet.
💐

I’d give them the benefit of the doubt and say they probably don’t want to intrude with a message. Ask your DH to have a word, they may well have waited a few days to send a card, but he can let them know that it would be appreciated.

It’s a really tough one, they could well feel that a message to your mum would be too intrusive- the advantage with cards is you can park them to one side until you are in the headspace to deal with them- but a text popping up if you are out and trying to do a chore can be a bit overwhelming. Alternatively they may well feel they have contacted the “family” by passing their condolences to you, the primary contact and don’t want to go overboard. Thinking about it, whenever I have sent condolences I have only ever sent them to one family member, not each separate family unit.
💐💐💐💐

Anger is a normal part of grief. If you have nowhere else to direct your anger, you may be choosing your in-laws as safe targets.

As this thread shows, there is no single correct answer as to what to do in these circumstances. Personally, if dh died I would find it a burden for people to reach out to me immediately, I would want time to process on my own. Others need the company.

As you are all close, the nice thing to do is to provide guidance to your in-laws (via dh would probably be best) as to what your mother will appreciate. I am sure if they are given it they will happily take it, they are not monsters, they probably are just unsure what is for the best.

I wouldn’t dream of sending a text in these circumstances - I would send a card. If they bought one on Wednesday or Thursday and posted it on Friday it might not have arrived yet. Give it a few more days - you’d be right to be upset if nothing arrives in a week or so.

I’m so sorry for your loss.