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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws ...not sure if I'm being Unreasonable

75 replies

bert3400 · 30/04/2024 00:21

My lovely dad suddenly passed away last Tuesday it has completely shocked us all, as he was very fit and healthy. My inlaws found out, has they were visiting one of my adult kids when the news came in .For
Context my in laws have been on holiday with my parents, independent of me and DH, also holidays with all of the family. They are also regular guest at family meals at my parents house, we all generally get on very well. Tonight I had a short message from MIL wishing me, Dh and DC a message of condolences. Neither FIL or MIL have messaged my mum, it has been noticed their silence. I am getting so angry at them and at this moment, never want to lay eyes on them again. I feel it's really hurtful to my mum that they can't even send a message or text, when she needs all the support she can get . I ranted at my DH ( who has been amazing) telling him that I may not recover from their lack of empathy and I'm so angry at them ...aibu ? Sorry for the long post

OP posts:
Rosieleerose · 30/04/2024 10:47

I think you are over reacting. The in laws probably think they are doing the right thing by not intruding on your mother and yours grief.
I'm sure if your husband lets them know that it is ok for them to contact your mother they will do so.

BIossomtoes · 30/04/2024 10:48

If I was suddenly and unexpectedly widowed the last thing I’d want is my phone filling with texts, it may well be that your in laws are like me @bert3400. They may well be waiting until the flurry of attention has died down and make contact then. I never send flowers immediately after a bereavement, they’re much more welcome a couple of weeks later so that may also be their plan.

GoBonobo · 30/04/2024 10:54

So sorry for your loss.
Can only agree with PP - please give them time to react in their own way. If your mum has other support, they may feel best to leave immediate family (you, siblings etc) to process. Or may have ordered flowers or something more thoughtful than a text. Having witnessed all too frequently that newly bereaved people get lots of visits and messages in the immediate aftermath, then after the funeral everyone gets on with their own lives. If they’ve been close, they may be there for your mum when everyone else has moved on.

35mph · 30/04/2024 10:55

If I was suddenly and unexpectedly widowed the last thing I’d want is my phone filling with texts, it may well be that your in laws are like me

Like me too. And personally I would never send condolences by text message.
It completely lacks gravity. I'd send a card immediately and then feel my way to calling.

neilyoungismyhero · 30/04/2024 10:57

First of all I'm so very sorry for the loss if your Dad, what a terrible shock for you all. As they were all so friendly and close there is obviously a particular reason (in their minds) that they haven't contacted your Mum. If we could guess what it was it may or may not make sense. I think it's really up to your husband to speak to his parents and tell them that your mum would appreciate their support sooner rather than later. You know they're not bad people so they must be thinking this is the right way to behave; don't let this spoil your future relationship with them. Let your husband sort it out.

CheesexCrackers · 30/04/2024 11:03

I'm so sorry for your loss, my inlaws would be more likely to send a card, some people don't feel a text is appropriate

mightydolphin · 30/04/2024 11:04

Rachie1973 · 30/04/2024 00:37

It may simply be that they do not want to intrude on immediate families grief.

I agree with this. I would probably wait until the funeral to offer my condolences in your in laws' shoes. Severe grief is exhausting. I wouldn't want to add to the long list of messages that a grieving spouse would feel obligated to respond to...

HoppingPavlova · 30/04/2024 11:05

Just because they have been to their house, interacted with them etc means nothing in this context. This is a period where they don’t want to intrude on the grief of IMMEDIATE family members, of which they are not. Entirely normal and reasonable. You are being unreasonable and ranting to your DH is not the best for him either I’d think.

exomoon · 30/04/2024 11:08

HoppingPavlova · 30/04/2024 11:05

Just because they have been to their house, interacted with them etc means nothing in this context. This is a period where they don’t want to intrude on the grief of IMMEDIATE family members, of which they are not. Entirely normal and reasonable. You are being unreasonable and ranting to your DH is not the best for him either I’d think.

Why are you so worried about what's best for her DH? It's OP's dad who has passed away.

If this is going to be the extent of their condolences then they have behaved very badly. If they get in touch over the next week then that's different.

HoppingPavlova · 30/04/2024 11:15

Because irrespective of whose dad passed away it can’t be pleasant to have someone kicking off and ranting to you about your parents who have (at this point) done nothing wrong.

Original poster
bert3400 · 30/04/2024 11:41

@HoppingPavlova you are right I shouldn't of ranted to my lovely DH, he has been amazing but grief, so raw is not rational. As someone previously said maybe I'm angry at the unfair circumstances. My Dad was so healthy and mindful of his fitness ( he ran a marathon last year) ...I will bite my tongue and have apologised to DH for my harsh words.

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 30/04/2024 11:46

daffodilflowers · 30/04/2024 01:44

If it was me, I would have sent your mum a card. Possibly it got stuck in the post and not arrived yet. Royal Mail has been terrible round here lately.

I was thinking the same

I would send a text to someone younger but post a card to someone older.

We only get post one a week in my area

CelesteCunningham · 30/04/2024 11:49

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Given you're old enough to have adult DC yourself, your parents and your PIL can't be young - they may simply think that a text would be inappropriate in such a situation. I would assume they will come to the funeral and likely give a card then. They probably don't want to add to your mum's burden for now, and feel they have passed on their condolences to you directly.

They may be shit, or they may be giving you all space. Time will tell. Flowers

Sparklfairy · 30/04/2024 11:51

HoppingPavlova · 30/04/2024 11:05

Just because they have been to their house, interacted with them etc means nothing in this context. This is a period where they don’t want to intrude on the grief of IMMEDIATE family members, of which they are not. Entirely normal and reasonable. You are being unreasonable and ranting to your DH is not the best for him either I’d think.

Tonight I had a short message from MIL wishing me, Dh and DC a message of condolences. Neither FIL or MIL have messaged my mum, it has been noticed their silence.

It took MIL almost a week to send a message. It wouldn't have killed her to add something like, 'and please send my best wishes to your DM, I am here if any of you need anything at all'.

I get not wanting to intrude but there's a fine line between keeping a respectful distance and just looking like you don't care.

TheFlis · 30/04/2024 11:54

When my dad died fairly suddenly a lot of people initially reached out to me and my siblings rather than my mum, as they assumed she would want privacy and space to let it sink in, cards to her followed later. Nobody took any offence.

Mcvitieschoccybiscuit · 30/04/2024 12:02

I’m so sorry for your loss. Could it be that they don’t know how to navigate this correctly themselves? Some people just don’t know how to approach these situations or have different ideas. Would you feel comfortable replying to the text message that they sent you thanking them and saying something along the lines of “my mum is going to need lots of support over the coming weeks it would mean a lot to me and her if you could check in with her please”.

andthat · 30/04/2024 12:57

Sparklfairy · 30/04/2024 11:51

Tonight I had a short message from MIL wishing me, Dh and DC a message of condolences. Neither FIL or MIL have messaged my mum, it has been noticed their silence.

It took MIL almost a week to send a message. It wouldn't have killed her to add something like, 'and please send my best wishes to your DM, I am here if any of you need anything at all'.

I get not wanting to intrude but there's a fine line between keeping a respectful distance and just looking like you don't care.

Show quote history

this

I am so, so sorry for your loss OP - the pain is indescribable.

You'll find in the coming days, weeks and months that support comes from unexpected places.

Redmat · 30/04/2024 12:58

I'd also assume a card is on its way.

RampantIvy · 30/04/2024 13:08

But I don’t think people get how bad it feels if they say nothing

You are spot on with this @Renamed
You just want to know that people care.

I'm sorry for your loss @bert3400 Flowers

Noseybookworm · 30/04/2024 13:20

I'm so sorry for your loss OP 😢 I think raw emotions are normal at this time so don't feel bad. It may be that they are not wanting to intrude and are daunted by being confronted by your mum's grief. Some people are just not good at dealing with death unfortunately. It doesn't mean that they don't care. I would message them and thank them for their condolences and mention that you're sure mum would appreciate a visit or message from them. Tell them she needs her friends to rally round at the moment and maybe they could take her round a meal. If they ignore her then after you've been explicit about what she needs, then you would be justifiable in being upset with them.

Spirallingdownwards · 30/04/2024 13:28

Maray1967 · 30/04/2024 10:45

I wouldn’t dream of sending a text in these circumstances - I would send a card. If they bought one on Wednesday or Thursday and posted it on Friday it might not have arrived yet. Give it a few more days - you’d be right to be upset if nothing arrives in a week or so.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

This^

First, sorry for your loss.

But texting in such circumstances is beyond awful (in my opinion). I am guessing ILs may be around my age.

My friend's Dad died last Tuesday too and although she called me and we spoke it wasn't until later in the week I popped a sympathy card in the post.

They may have done that as the more usually formal way of acknowledging the death and extending sympathy. And it may be on its way. They are related by marriage and not direct family so I assume they don't want to impose.

Try not to focus too much on this. In the grand scheme of things happening right now it is not of importance

tennesseewhiskey1 · 30/04/2024 13:30

They dont want to intrude. Sorry for your loss.

Sillysausagedog · 30/04/2024 13:30

Sometimes, people don't know what to say, so they say nothing. Not meaning to be unkind. What do you say to a grieving wife.

I know it's hard but if they are really friends like you say, then maybe they are finding it hard to process his sudden death as well.

Stormyweathr · 03/05/2024 13:14

bert3400 · 30/04/2024 11:41

@HoppingPavlova you are right I shouldn't of ranted to my lovely DH, he has been amazing but grief, so raw is not rational. As someone previously said maybe I'm angry at the unfair circumstances. My Dad was so healthy and mindful of his fitness ( he ran a marathon last year) ...I will bite my tongue and have apologised to DH for my harsh words.

I would send a lovely message to your in laws thanking them for their kind words and then I would

‘feel free to drop mum a message too as she could do with as many good friends around her at this sad time’

they may feel like they are imposing as they are not related just give them the green light

PurpleCacao · 03/05/2024 13:19

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your reaction is totally normal considering your grief.

I would hope they’d sent a card, which won’t have arrived yet.