Grandparents when you have sons

[Bigsigh24]

First DGD due, our son and his wife, all get on very well, all excited. Do the parents of Sons feel equal to DIL parents, really worried we will be second best?

Sorry, I don't understand your question.

What do you mean?

I have 4 sons (am 43) and I think daughters will always get the first say in everything as they are the mother but hopefully it will all work out and it will be pretty much equal (only time I saw it not equal for my own mum was sil had a family christening gown for their son and my mum realised my children would be the last ones to use the family christening gown). So that kind of stuff can happen

Well, if you all get on very well, then I'd expect that to continue.

You do see lots of complaining posts on here about MiLs, but, like all relationship threads, people complain when there is an issue and not when everything is tootling along just fine.

It varies by family. I’ve found in my PILs to be brilliant. I would say my DC are equally close to them.

Many congratulations!

Obviously, DIL's own parents will always come before you from her side of things. Unless they are horrors of course.

Don't worry about it, or think of it in terms of 'second best'.

Surely it depends on the circumstances? Growing up, we were closer to my dad’s parents because they lived five minutes walk away, so did more school pick ups and childcare generally. My other grandparents lived 5-6 miles away and we only saw them once a week. Still had a great relationship though, and I wouldn’t describe them as “second best” - it’s not a competition.

We have grandchildren with two of our sons, and are much closer to the children than their other grandparents, for various reasons. It all depends on the family situation.

if you are a grandparent of a child from your son, are you automatically expected to be treated differently than if it’s your daughter? Sorry wasn’t clear

Thanks we all live same distance from each other x

Definitely not. It depends on personality, how close you live, how much spare time you have... my DC had two very different sets of GPs and they both brought different things to the relationship. As the daughter, I have never felt that my husband's parents are second best. Ever.

I would love us all to be as close to DH’s parents as we are to mine, but they are mad and difficult. If you are close now and you are supportive but not interfering, it should all be fine.

And, thinking about it further, I was much closer to my paternal grandma than my maternal one - both GDs died quite young. Grandma was like an extra parent to me and I still miss her daily now, in my 40s, 8 years after her death.

I think if you continue to treat each other with respect and kindness, don't keep score, and make sure that the expectation is primarily on your son to make sure the relationship works, you'll be ok.

But if I can make a gentle observation, based on my experiences of some friends and acquaintances, I'd make sure you're looking at the long term relationship and not just the newborn/baby stage. Where I've seen problems occur it's where a new mother's in-laws have not considered her needs, or where she might want to get primary support in recovery from birth and adjusting to motherhood. They get jealous that she's spending more time with her mum, for example, and feel that it's unfair. When the reality is that the need for her mum is about what she needs, rather than what the baby or any of the grandparents need.

And if she currently sees her parents solo more than she sees you, she's likely to continue that during maternity leave.

Be patient - it's a big upheaval and things may not be perfect straight away, but if you can show that you care and are interested in her as well as the baby and offer genuine help and support, I can't imagine that your positive relationship won't continue.

My DIL and her mother fall out a lot because her mother is flaky and self centred. We on the other hand have never fallen out and get along really well. She sees me as reliable I think.

The other DIL her mother died a long time ago so there's no comparison.

Just be yourself, don't interfere, listen if they want to vent about your sons because they're not perfect. My MIL knew her sons well but wasn't blind.

I'm not a grandparents, but I'm an auntie to my brother's son. We are very close, no difference between my brother's side of the family and my sister in law's (they are delightful!)

I wanted my mum around more than my mil when I had a newborn baby, but that was to support me, not because I wanted her to be the favourite granny.

now my son is 7 and he has a lovely relationship with both sets of grandparents.

If you spend your time worrying you are second best and making your annoyance about it known it won’t help you. It’s more stress and pressure your son and DIL don’t need.

All other things being equal, realistically a woman will likely want her mother with her and near her to support and look after HER not the baby… she also won’t want her MIL seeing her bleeding through pads onto towels and attempting to breastfeed… as a result the maternal GM will likely be around a bit more in the early days.

be helpful listen to what your DIL is saying and do not get caught up in who got the biggest half of the cookie baby

How did your MIL treat you and how close were you to your mil?

you might also want to try gransnet if you want grandparents perspective this site is mostly mums although there are some GPs here too

Our daughters are closer to my parents but that isn't how I wanted it to be! The mil just didn't have any awareness of how I was feeling being a new mum and were constantly demanding! My mum visited each day for the first 2 weeks I was home (C-section) and always rang first, without asking did hoovering, washing up, put washing out etc basically just helped! Obviously she would then sit and have a cuddle! The in laws would turn up anytime, sit on the sofa, ask for a cup of tea and demand to hold the baby the whole time they were there. One time the midwife came and wanted to examine my stitches - they still sat and we had to ask them to leave the room! If you all get in now, be respectful and kind towards hormones and feelings, offer to help in the the early days -not with the baby, you'll be on your way to building your great relationship x

This. You need to be sensitive to the fact that your DIL will likely want her mum close to her as she goes through pg and birth and recovery. This doesn't mean you've lost a nonexistent favourite GPs competition, it just means she needs her mum.

Be kind, supportive and follow her lead, don't take the huff or let anyone see your nose is out of joint if it feels unfair at first - it all comes out in the wash.

It is reasonable that your DIL will want her mum closer when she gives birth the first time - she's known her all her life, has that fundamental relationship.

But once the initial recovery period is over, it is up to your son to involve you, just as your DIL involves her parents.

Your issue will come if your son can't be bothered to bring dgc to see you or to invite you over, but that will be on him,not on your dil.

So have you raised your son to be a thoughtful, attentive and involved parent?

It's not a competition. It really depends on how good your sons are at doing their fair share of family arrangements and get togethers, or whether they leave all arrangements, present giving etc, to their wives.

My PIL were amazing grandparents. My mother was rather uninterested in my children..

My dad (divorced) is a good caring grandfather from a distance but he is interested in his grandchildren lives.

Step dad is also interested and involved a lot more after my mother died

I dont think there is. "Norm"

Thank You x