Grandparents when you have sons

[Bigsigh24]

First DGD due, our son and his wife, all get on very well, all excited. Do the parents of Sons feel equal to DIL parents, really worried we will be second best?

Agree with lots of the good, kind and sensible advice you've been given here.

Every situation is different, and to an extent, what the people involved make of it.

I really doubt my MIL feels second fiddle to my mum. This is partly geographical - my mum lives overseas, my MIL lives 15 minutes away. But not just that - MIL is a steady, kind presence who I'm happy to have in our lives.

You don't say if you have daughters, but some of the (potential) grandparents reading this will, so I want to mention that it cuts both ways. My in-laws, as mentioned, are lovely, but it does feel like are the 'second family' and SIL's family is the primary one. In many ways, this is understandable - we haven't always lived around the corner and SIL is in far more frequent contact with them than DH and I. It's just little things - they always check plans with SIL before checking them with us; they always arrange to see them first in the holidays etc. It isn't intentional or even 100% from them, but it does happen, and we notice, so that might be something for potential MILs to bear in mind.

Do the parents of Sons feel equal to DIL parents

If you go in with an attitude of comparing then I think you will be unhappy. In lots of cases, no, in-law grandparents are not "equal" to the new mum's parents for various reasons.

• New mum is more usually the one on maternity leave and would probably rather spend time with her own parents
• Stereotypically, women do more social admin and so is more likely to see her own parents.
• She's just going to be more relaxed around her own parents and also trust them more since they raised her (assuming good relationships all round).
• She may feel more comfortable having her own parents visit her in hospital/in the very early days when she's feeling vulnerable.
• She's more likely to ring her own Mum for advice.

Just go in with a loving attitude, trying to be supportive and you are much likely to be happier. If you think about fair and equal then that's going to be a disaster.

I'm a retired paternal granny. I'm very close to my granddaughters as I do some childcare and nursery pickups, emergency care when they are not well etc. I have a good relationship with both my DILs and I've never felt second best. They do rely on me quite heavily so they are unlikely to fall out with me 😉

It varies, I grew up equally close to both sets. DH was much closer to his maternal grandparents. He adored them.

I think it depends on relations and on how much time you want to spend with your grandchildren. I am, unsurprisingly, much closer to my DM than to my DMIL but my DM isn't keen on spending much time with young children. My MIL loves children and sees them at least once a week.

My son and his wife had a baby last year. They live near us. My husband and I see much more of the child than our DIL's parents do. They include us in everything to do with the baby.

Mum's parents tend to spend more time with the kids becuase they spend more time with the mum naturally. Dad's tend to spend less time with their kids and their parents so naturally their parents spend less time with the kids.

My PILs will have much more of a relationship with my children because we see more of them. I spend more time alone with them than I do with my own parents. They're retired and live closer. My parents don't really see it as their responsibility to build that relationship, my dad expects to be invited into my kids lives and will see them if I ask him to. My mum expects to be chauffeured or visited. The legwork falling to me, a mother of young children means inevitably we don't see them much because I don't have the time or energy.

This is a good point.

Mum's parents tend to spend more time with the kids becuase they spend more time with the mum naturally. Dad's tend to spend less time with their kids and their parents so naturally their parents spend less time with the kids.

It's not really "naturally" though is it? It's the result of how the parents choose to share parenting duties.

If OP's son takes shared parental leave and takes equally flexible or reduced hours to her DIL, then the opportunities to see the baby more often may be greater.

Yes, you will be. It is a very rare thing indeed for baby’s mum to be closer to MIL than her own mum.

I am close with my MIL, but I still wouldn’t let her have my 3 and 1 year olds alone for more than an hour or overnight, yet I would my mum. That’s just how it is 🤷‍♀️

I'm curious as to why this is - and if your husband/partner shares your views? Ie is it an individual competence issue that you both agree on - and if not does he feel similar about your mother?

I have a great relationship with my DS, DDIL and DGCs, I am very lucky that I have a wonderful DDIL who I have got on really well with from the first time we met.
We’ve never had a cross word, she’s been a part of the family for over 20 years now.

I think it depends how well you get on with both and the effort you make.

My sister gets on so well with her mil because her mil is easy to get on with. Mine assumes there will be a problem which in itself causes problems.

I'm worried you are already in competition. Just try to be there and be kind and helpful.

I disagree. Of the families I know the fathers parents look after the kids more. Just happens they are more available and easy to get on with.

In my experience, once a son has a partner, gets married and has kids 95% of the time they are closer to the maternal family.

I think it's because the daughter makes more effort with her parents so the dgc develop a better relationship. I've 2 brothers and 3 sisters (and lots of female friends) and this is the case in all of them except 1.

I look at my brothers and they just can't be arsed to organise anything. Their wives organise the parties, holidays etc with their own families.

A lot will also depend on the relationship the MIL has with the DIL. You only have to look on Mumsnet to see the disdain that so many have for their MiL and DIL.

This^
My relative follow this rule and has much more close relationship with her son’s family and much more involved in their life.
By the way DIL’s parents are more involved in her brother’s family.

Thank you for all the responses it made me realise that I was being selfish. This came from a discussion around looking after baby at 3 months for a wedding. Totally get now that even though DIL parents are attending same wedding at night and can take baby so close to her parents also, this is the better option. Spoken with DS and explained I should have provided a more considered response to the plan changes but also,asked that we are considered going forward the same, as DIL’s DP, which he 100% agrees with - thanks everyone

Yep agree with this boys/sons are lazy at this type of thing x