Grandparents when you have sons

[Bigsigh24]

First DGD due, our son and his wife, all get on very well, all excited. Do the parents of Sons feel equal to DIL parents, really worried we will be second best?

Yes we have so hopefully it will work out x thank you

???

Assuming relationships are good all round then yes, your role will be different but not less important. DIL will need her mum more than you, she'll be her first port of call for support & back-up which is the role the maternal grandparents should fill imo.

For me (mother of 3 boys) it didn't occur to me that my role would be different as my kids only had my parents on hand so it was the default. So I've just made sure to support my son with his new adventure & be as kind as I possibly can to my new 'DIL'. Let her know that we'll do absolutely anything they need of us at any time. She & DS are very lucky, though, in that they both have a set of doting parents.

For us, both sides were invited to visit them in hospital the day DGS was born & there's been no restrictions on visits or cuddles etc. As mum of the son in this I'd make sure you've got him fully informed on what his partner is going to need in terms of support & understanding. Things like not thinking he can slack off when he gets in from work etc. In theory, that shouldn't be an issue if you've done the legwork raising him anyway.

Congratulations, though! It's cool af being a nan 😁

Have to say, kindly, the fact you have started a thread to air your concern you’ll be second best before DGD is even here does suggest that you may already be viewing the situation in a way that won’t be helpful to your son and DIL, or in having the relationship you’re seeking.
My MIL very quickly became very competitive, and quite early on post-birth stated they weren’t being given the grandparenting experience they wanted. It wasn’t a positive move, made our early weeks a bit stressful and longterm has done more harm than good.
I’d do the best you can to be supportive, and not push too hard especially in the first weeks. It’s your grandchild but it’s your son and DIL first time being parents, they won’t get this time back either.
Wishing you all, all the very best for this brilliant new chapter. X

Congratulations on becoming a granny @Bigsigh24

Our DGS is 4mths old. We’re all very close, but DDIL is closer to her mum and they see her parents more because they live 10minutes away and we live 3hrs away. Me and DH don’t feel second best, we absolutely adore him. He’s the best thing that’s happened to us for years, and the love we feel for him is like no other.

Our DDIL is wonderful. She includes us in everything. She’s grateful for everything we do or buy. We were allowed to visit within days of him being born, she sends us pictures and videos everyday and FaceTimes at least 3 times a week.

Don’t worry. If you’re close now I wouldn’t imagine that changing. Enjoy this special time that’s coming because it’s absolutely wonderful.

Exactly this. With my exH I carried 100% of the mental load, whilst also working as many hours in paid employment, and, completely unintentionally, exMIL became the ‘other’ Grandma.

In my current relationship things are a lot more even and DP ensures that his parents are equally involved.

Exactly the same and so sorry for your loss. My grandmother died 5 years ago in June and I miss her everyday. For what it's worth she was my dad's side...:. My best friend and I'm afraid a far better mother than my own!

I think you need to separate in your mind the relationship that you can foster with your grandchild from the birth itself. In the time around the birth it is natural that your DIL will feel like she wants support from her own mum- this is natural and normal and should have nothing to do with your relationship with your grandchild.

Where many MIL on mumsnet seem to go wrong is treating it as a competition from the off (it isn’t a competition), Wanting equal access (baby won’t remember), and treating their DIL like a broodmare (rather than as a person going through a major event)

As a family we're much closer to MIL, see her numerous times a week vs twice a year my own mother.

If you're close now I wouldn't worry about it.

In some respects, yes. I have sons. I would not expect to have as much ‘access’ to a newborn as my DIL’s mother, because I understand she will not feel as comfortable around me as she will her own mum after giving birth. I had to explain this to my DH who thought it wasn’t fair that his DM didn’t see as much of our niece as his SIL’s mother. I had to remind him that a woman has given birth - she is not just a baby maker. I suspect that some MILs forget that.

It depends on the individual relationships. It makes sense that when baby is small DIL would lean on her own mother more. It's not personal. She's just known her mother her whole life and is likely more comfortable with all that stuff with her mother.

Further on things should even out a bit. We were always closer to my parents and my DH's parents weren't as involved. This was because they interfered and didn't make the effort to have relationships with the whole family, like my parents did. My mother would come visit during the week and we'd go for walks, take the kids to the park and so on. My MIL never did this even though she had more time.

Whatever happens, it's your DS's responsibility to invite you and promote the relationship between you and your grandchild. If he fails to do this, don't heap the blame on your DIL.

As others have said, remember that it is your son's choice to involve you as much as he wants to. It is not your DIL's duty or job to ensure that you are involved, she's got enough going on after having been pregnant, giving birth and recovering.

Try to remember how it felt to have just given birth to your first child and how you would have wanted your own MIL to have treated you and acted around you. Don't offer unsolicited advice, don't turn up uninvited and don't outstay your welcome.

If you want updates on baby, ask your son, don't bother her, she's got her own side of the family to update.

I think you need to separate in your mind the relationship that you can foster with your grandchild from the birth itself. In the time around the birth it is natural that your DIL will feel like she wants support from her own mum- this is natural and normal and should have nothing to do with your relationship with your grandchild.

I do agree with this. I assumed, at first you meant 'in the first couple of days or even weeks'. Even then, I would presume all grandparents would be able to see the new little one at a similar length of time, but I would naturally expect a vulnerable new Mum would probably feel a bit more comfortable with her own Mum than her MiL.

But, as time goes on, the relationship will develop differently depending on all sorts of things - incl distance, including personalities, including time the Grandparents have available, including how overpowering one side or the other are. But none of those things are to do with whose parents you are, the same applies to both sets.

We are closer to our DD's children than their paternal grandparents are but that is solely down to us being closer to DD than our SIL is to his parents. (I mean closer emotionally not by distance).

I think it varies family-by-family. There is no hard and fast rule.

I think naturally the new mother leans on her own mother to support her and ask for advice at the beginning etc. Its only natural. Child birth can be very traumatic and one of the toughest things some women go through and sometimes you just need your mum!

My MIL turned when my first was born and we've never regained our relationship - which is a shame. She became very jealous etc. Situations like I needed anti-clotting injections after the birth, I didn't want to do them myself and my husband has a fear of needles, so my mum (who is a nurse) offered to drive over every evening to do the injection for me. MIL kicked off and said it meant my mum would see the baby more than her. It wasn't about the baby, it was about looking after me (her daughter)! I was quite ill. This was the start of a long line of kick offs and not even the worst thing she kicked off about. She basically saw my son as her possession and has not shown any care towards me. Not even a simple 'how are you?'

Show your DIL how much you care and treat her equally. A new mother never forgets who showed them kindness and helped out :) Don't make it just about the baby. This will be the most vulnerable she will ever be.

I'm a mother of boys, so this will possibly be me one day and I know these are the things I need to remember! I am also closest to my paternal grandparents so I think after the initial new baby stage, you will have plenty of time to build relationships with your grandchildren :)

As a family we are much closer to my husband's Mum than my own. She is helpful, selfless and non-judgemental. She is interested in helping us as a family whereas my own Mum will take my children individually a couple of times a year and spoil them with attention.

Your attitude will have a lot to do with how it plays out and it sounds like you are already making it a competition. Offer practical help but without being pushy and respect the parents rules and routines.

While your DGD is still a young baby who stays close to her Mum you might need to take a back seat as naturally your DIL will be more comfortable with her own Mum but as she grows and you will hopefully have the chance to spend equal time with her.

Some boy mums come to the conclusion in their ds childhood that they will be the other/ secondary grandmother. For some it's a disappointment, for others a relief. But they don't seem prepared to change the narrative.

I wonder if that's why my pil take little interest in my dc.

I suppose it depends if your DS plans to be an equal parent, take his share of parental leave, half all the nursery runs, chores etc. If he's an equal parent you can expect to be an equal grandparent?

Otherwise DIL may rightly feel that she has more say and lean more towards her mum.

Depends on the grandparents and the situation. Our DC spend a lot more time with DH's mum because she is involved in childcare and more interested, whereas my parents are not very interested and don't see our DC very often. So his mum is definately their closest relative outside our immediate family.

I thought my parents would be more involved with their grandchildren as they were retired, when in fact it was my in-laws who really stepped up, although same age as my parents and they still worked. MIL actually asked if I wanted to return to work part time, she would reduce her hours and look after children, which we never expected.

In truth, no. I love my DiL dearly, but I'm not her mum. So, I was not there when DGC was born and the third person to hold her, as I was the my DDs child. I was not the one who spent the first week supporting her and helping her as I was with DD. I didn't have DGC overnight from very young, her mum did. I don't get to get to hear about the 'firsts' until after Ddil mum. If there's only two tickets for something at school and DS can't make it, I'm not the next in line. Don't get me wrong, Ddil is fantastic and she and DS are close with us, I have so much to be thankful for that my son chose such a lovely woman..but...obviously I'm not her first priority for sharing her child, and I accept that.
But that's just my situation. It's varies depending on which of your DS or Ddil is the primary carer for DC, how close Ddil is with her own mum, and the effort your DS makes to include you.

Yes and no

Yes because my mums retired so throughout maternity leave and now I'm only back to work part time, I obviously see my mum a lot - which is more than I see PIL. Even if she wasn't retired, I would always see my mum a bit more than my husband would see his parents, so naturally she'd see more of us.

No because - we spend a full day with PIL every other weekend, sometimes more depending on our plans. I would say DS loves spending time with all of his grandparents equally.

Surely this all comes down to how you raised your sons and if you taught them to be thoughtful, and how involved he will be as a parent? It’s not your DiLs job to facilitate the relationship, although no doubt she will, it’s your sons job.

I think you have to separate out the postnatal period completely. It's not unusual for a recovering postpartum woman to be more comfortable around her own parents than her in laws. It's really pathetic when the paternal grandparents angst about who gets to see or hold the baby first when at that stage it's about the mothers comfort.

It's such a short period and should have nothing to do with the relationship with the DGC as they get older.

I have two boys. My husband is one of two boys.

My in laws definitely spend more time with my boys than my parents.

My mother in law used to thank me for letting her see them so much, so I think she had similar concerns.