Divorced - he just won't pay ... still!

[DizDan]

Long story short (ish)!
2 kids 17yo 16 yo (1 doing A levels, 1 doing GCSEs)
Dad (to whom I am divorced) signed eldest up for private school (right decision for the child) but then said to me he wasn't paying. He earns 3 times more than me. I said I would pay (it would genuinely have been worth it for the sake of my child's mental health) - I cut my cloth (ok, butchered my cloth) to afford this. (son was at risk of suicide just before secondary then threatened to be diagnosed with autism .. another long story .. I refused, shouldn't have -totally my fault! and so wish I had for additional support and understanding of his condition)... anyway so here we are, with son possibly going to Uni (predicted 3xA stars at A level and 1 x A) ... son's Dad has finally paid for 6th form only because I had a male (2nd husband) step in and tell him he was a bully - ex-husband was trying to get me and my 2nd husband to pay 6th form fees. My 2nd husband and I (together) about a third of what ex gets per year. Ex husband thinks we should split sons Uni education (only the maintenance costs) plus thinks son should (in ex's words) pick up the burden of the costs so it is not loaded onto us! ... AIBU - my son will likely come out of Uni with (£9,250 per yr tuition fees PLUS £6,500 maintenance fees already before then loading with more debt) ... any ideas anyone ... please?

Should have said - I have paid 5 of 7 years ... his Dad has paid 2

Dad sounds a cock. Mine was too. All you can do is plan your sons’ education with minimum financial input from him.

Does he have to pay CMS while your son is at university?

YANBU to want DS’s dad to step up and support his child.

Does DS know about all the to and fro over support and fees for his education?

I think most students just accumulate the debt and then pay it off when they start earning dont they? What's the problem with your son doing this?

Thanks StormingNorman - no his Dad has not paid anything in CM ... he has done this by me allowing him to see the children half the week (imo - important the children have a relationship with their Dad ... didn't realise when i agreed to this their Dad would pay for THREE - yup 3 ... different child carers ... 3:20-530pm then 5:30-7;30pm then one from 7:30 so he could travel back from his job (2 hours away) ... my silly fault for thinking he would be around (not paying others so he didn't have to pay me).

Hi ByUmber Viewer - it is a helpful opinion you offer. (firstly apologies if I am teaching you to suck eggs re. Uni costs - it is new to me!) ... My understanding is ... my son can only take out a maximum maintenance loan of £6,500 in addition to the (£9,250) tuition fees. His Uni costs will likely be £17,500 (if he goes to a less prestigious Uni then £11,500) ON TOP of this!!! I am gobsmacked... but son's Dad wants me to pay half of the extra (my son despite getting a job a Uni is unlikely to earn that amount after tax as well as get a degree). My son will already be accumulating the debt of £47,250 (a huge amount imo) before the extra that his Dad wants him to load up with ... which equates to an additional £52,500 bringing the total to nearly £100,000 (well just shy of this by £250) ... starting out his professional (hopefully) career £100k IN DEBT ...😵

And Storming Norman - I am so sorry the Dad (in your case) was a cock too ... total eejits 😩

why did this mean he didn’t have to pay anything? Only overnights count for child maintenance purposes

Correct - he paid for nothing

Sorry SN - I didn't answer all your question - DS does not know his Dad pays erm how does one put this ... nothing

Maybe time to tell your DS the truth.

I don't understand how his dad is loading him up with debt.... How?

If ds gets a student loan and a job then he's covered most of the cost.

If your son isn’t entitled to the full maintenance loan, thats because you and your ex are deemed to earn enough to make up the shortfall. So exh should absolutely contribute!
As for the student debt, the vast majority are in the same boat. It feels like more of a tax than a debt to me. Most students manage a pt job as well x

It is looking like it. I didn't want to do that but son is nearly 18 so might be time to be factual (and try my hardest to leave out my thoughts on the subject)

Thanks MultiplaLight - unfortunately ds is unlikley to be able to earn £17,500 per year after tax to cover the shortfall 😢

I agree that you need to be open with your DS what his Dad does/doesn’t contribute financially, he’s old enough to know.

Would it be better for your son to speak directly to his Dad about paying for university? He may be refusing as a means to continue exercising control over you.

One of my friends had this situation when her eldest daughter was applying for uni. Her ex said that he wasn’t contributing, but changed his mind when his daughter asked him. He transferred the money directly to her.

It’s pathetic mind games, but some people are pathetic.

nadine90 - so true it is a tax on those that want to better their current position ... I am not sure I totally understand it because the gov't then don't get the tax from these kids as they will not be earning higher salaries .. :(

BruFord - that is a great thought - I will see if I can persuade my conflict avoidant (just like me) son to do that. At the very least it will mean my son has asked the question of his Dad ... then can never be accused of 'not asking' for what he needed.

I don't understand your figures. Where is this extra debt coming from for a prestigious university? What is the £17,500 for?

Is the £17,500 per year or for the whole degree?

You 'allowed him to see the children half the week' what does that mean?

I don't think your figures are correct tbh. How are you calculating £17.5k per year?

If you are in England then your son’s loan will be assessed on your and new husband’s income if son lives with you. If you earn over £60,000 as a household then you are expected to top £5500 a year to bring son up to level of a student on a full loan.
In an ideal world your son’s dad would split this with you but you aren’t obliged to top up and can’t force him to contribute.
You need a frank conversation with your son so he can select a university accordingly, some are much more affordable than others.

It is £9250 student tuition fees
between £4500 to £6500 maintenance loan BUT that does not cover the entire costs of living (rent food transport and other smaller costs) hence
£17500 additional loan required to cover the shortfall for (rent, food transport and other smaller costs)

but son's Dad wants me to pay half of the extra
Do you want him to pay all of the extra?!

MultiplaLight -thank you ... what am I getting wrong in my calculations please? I definitely would like to know