Divorced - he just won't pay ... still!

[DizDan]

Long story short (ish)!
2 kids 17yo 16 yo (1 doing A levels, 1 doing GCSEs)
Dad (to whom I am divorced) signed eldest up for private school (right decision for the child) but then said to me he wasn't paying. He earns 3 times more than me. I said I would pay (it would genuinely have been worth it for the sake of my child's mental health) - I cut my cloth (ok, butchered my cloth) to afford this. (son was at risk of suicide just before secondary then threatened to be diagnosed with autism .. another long story .. I refused, shouldn't have -totally my fault! and so wish I had for additional support and understanding of his condition)... anyway so here we are, with son possibly going to Uni (predicted 3xA stars at A level and 1 x A) ... son's Dad has finally paid for 6th form only because I had a male (2nd husband) step in and tell him he was a bully - ex-husband was trying to get me and my 2nd husband to pay 6th form fees. My 2nd husband and I (together) about a third of what ex gets per year. Ex husband thinks we should split sons Uni education (only the maintenance costs) plus thinks son should (in ex's words) pick up the burden of the costs so it is not loaded onto us! ... AIBU - my son will likely come out of Uni with (£9,250 per yr tuition fees PLUS £6,500 maintenance fees already before then loading with more debt) ... any ideas anyone ... please?

Where is this figure of £17.5k coming from?

Side note: it sounds as though you feel it's likely your son would be diagnosed with autism if he were assessed, but you refused the assessment. Pursue it now, before he starts uni. If he does indeed have autism, that diagnosis will unlock the possibility of many kinds of support that he may really need.

Nope don't want him to pay all the extra. I don't have a job. I was made redundant in September last year and am on a part time wage now. Happy to contribute.

Where are you getting £17.5k from? Who said he needs that much?

Oh, I didn't realise that was an option - okay I will defo look into that! Autism diagnosis before uni - thank you for thinking of that!

£17500 additional loan required to cover the shortfall

But it's not a loan you can get from anywhere is it? So you want dad to pay 8750 per year to half fund ds?

If this is real, and he's not an international student, your figures are completely out, whether for top unis or not. He'd need to be living in a 4 star hotel to need that much money! He probably needs about £3k on top of the £6500 to be very comfortable, not £17k!

Which uni? I’ve never heard of parents needing to top up £17,500 over minimum loan.
This is SFE chart for 24/25.
If he’s autistic he’ll qualify for DSA.

Motherhubbardscupboard - thank you ... how did you get your figures please? - would be really helpful to know, thank you in advance! There is every possibility that the university sites got their accommodation amounts wrong for living (rent and food) and there is even more (significantly more) of a possibility that son's Dad got his figures skewed. So I am totally willing to be figure adjusted and advised accordingly

If your income has vastly reduced since previous year SFE use to assess contact them as he may be eligible for more than minimum loan.

That's super helpful thank you Investinmyself :)

For reference, average student living expenses are £1078 per month - so, nowhere near £17.5k on top of the maintenance loan.

If you aren’t on it I’d recommend the what I wish I knew about university facebook group for parents.

MultiplaLight - I would like his Dad to pay more - he earns minimum of 2.8 times the joint income of me and new husband and he also said if i paid school fees (which i did for 5 years) he would pay uni - hence the aibu query

Brilliant 😀

Yanbu to expect him to pay for some uni costs.

Yabu to expect £17.5k a year.

What subject is ds looking at doing?

Economics at LSE

Thanks MultiplaLight - do you have a reference source for costs please? I am totally willing to be wrong. DS Dad worked out the additional money required.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/students/university-living-costs-calculator/

Ask him how he worked it out.

Fantastically helpful MultiplaLight. I had no idea MSE included this kind of info. Thank you so much 😀

DS dad doesn’t sound like an honest person so I wouldn’t trust any of his workings out.

Start from scratch. Check your son’s loan entitlement based on your current household income, then work out what he’s likely need to live on. Lots of universities have guidance to current living costs on their websites if you’re not sure where to start with rent etc in London.

As a side note - it would be worth checking out the CMS website. Even though your son spends time 50/50 between households, this doesn’t automatically mean that your ex doesn’t have to pay maintenance. Sometimes the high earning ex partner needs to pay.

OK, so LSE estimate students will need about £1400 a month for living costs - a bit higher than in other locations but still not £17.5k above the maintenance loan!

Student finance wise, they'll assess off the income of whichever household your son mainly lives in, so if that's with you then your ex's earnings aren't relevant for that calculation.

@DizDan it's £9,500 fees per year which they get a non means tested loan for. My kids have paid between £6,500 and £9k rent per year depending on which uni and whether they were in catered accommodation or non catered, hall of residence or a house, and whether bills (utilities) were included or not. Then you just need to factor in food and living expenses. My kids get the minimum maintenance loan. We pay their rent, and they are extremely comfortably off with their approx £5k per year and could easily manage on less. London will be more expensive but he would also get a bigger loan.

Left - oh my days - I am such a chump. I had no idea about the CMS possibility.

And you're right - I really should not trust the workings out of someone who lied in court about their income and conveniently (less than) halved it. I don't know why I still can't get my head around someone doing that to their child.

Will wake up tomorrow with a different mindset. Will check with MSE, CMS and actual calculations NOT ex husbands dubious calculations. Thank you!

Wasn’t child maintenance organised as part of your divorce settlement? Anyway, it’s not too late to go to the CMS for your younger kid