Divorced - he just won't pay ... still!

[DizDan]

Long story short (ish)!
2 kids 17yo 16 yo (1 doing A levels, 1 doing GCSEs)
Dad (to whom I am divorced) signed eldest up for private school (right decision for the child) but then said to me he wasn't paying. He earns 3 times more than me. I said I would pay (it would genuinely have been worth it for the sake of my child's mental health) - I cut my cloth (ok, butchered my cloth) to afford this. (son was at risk of suicide just before secondary then threatened to be diagnosed with autism .. another long story .. I refused, shouldn't have -totally my fault! and so wish I had for additional support and understanding of his condition)... anyway so here we are, with son possibly going to Uni (predicted 3xA stars at A level and 1 x A) ... son's Dad has finally paid for 6th form only because I had a male (2nd husband) step in and tell him he was a bully - ex-husband was trying to get me and my 2nd husband to pay 6th form fees. My 2nd husband and I (together) about a third of what ex gets per year. Ex husband thinks we should split sons Uni education (only the maintenance costs) plus thinks son should (in ex's words) pick up the burden of the costs so it is not loaded onto us! ... AIBU - my son will likely come out of Uni with (£9,250 per yr tuition fees PLUS £6,500 maintenance fees already before then loading with more debt) ... any ideas anyone ... please?

@Motherhubbardscupboard that is really helpful. I am rather in the dark and clearly very unprepared so your costings are genuinely appreciated. Thank you!

@AnitaLoos ... someone above just suggested i look up CMS- I have just realised I should have received around £790 each month (holy cow!!) for the children ... may well double check my figures in the morning. As we have the children 50/50 I just didn't realise I was able to ask for anything.

Not too late to apply to CMS for the youngest!

I suspect ex said he'd pay for uni as he knows there is 0 legal obligation for him to do so.

If his Dad won't contribute you need to explain to DS that he will have to live with at home still and go elsewhere.

I think you need to stop taking your exes word as gospel! He’s not your friend and he’s not on your side. All this information is out there. You can work out what maintenance loan your kid will qualify for and you know how much tuition fees are and then you need to work out a budget for accommodation & food etc. London is more expensive. Catered halls at LSE cost from £7-8k a year but include a main meal every day.

I agree with PP’s, do your own calculations and put everything into a simple spreadsheet. After his exams are over, review the spreadsheet with your son and discuss what you can contribute, what the shortfall is, etc.

Then your son can show his Dad “his” (your 😉) spreadsheet and talk it through with him. It doesn’t need to be confrontational, he can ask him for advice and find out whether he can help.

DH and I are together and we did this with DD (19), who’s finishing her first year. As we have two children, I’m supporting DD and DH will support DS. DD has chosen to study at an expensive university (we’re in the US) and knows that even with her scholarships, she may need to take out a loan during year three of her four-year degree. Unless something changes financially, I can’t quite cover it all. DH may be able to help, but he has to consider DS as well.

It’s so tricky!

This sounds all kinds of crazy to me. You paid for private school and he paid no maintenance for either child.
does your second child go to private school?
my son finished his degree last year me and DH paid half his rent he got 2/3 maintenance loan and worked 20 hours a week he ran a car paid for his own car insurance and went travelling last summer.
your ex has done you over but you have also just accepted this.
get onto CMS for youngest tomorrow and have a sit down with both boys they are not too young to understand the full situation and it may ensure they learn more about finances for their futures