Inheritance

[nameshame24]

Another inheritance post but I’m just looking for some outsiders opinions and advice.

Background, my Mum and Dad split when I was 18 months old. When I was 3 my Dad remarried my now step Mum and had 2 more children my brother is 3 years younger than me and sister is 4 years younger than me.
My Dad had a very successful business which was originally his parents and they passed it down to him and my aunt was a silent partner.
My step mum worked part-time in a school and earned minimum wage her salary was her ‘allowance’ to spend whatever she wanted. My Dad paid the bills and mortgage etc.
My step Mum’s Mum died and left her money, with that money she renovated the house.
When my Grandma died (Dad’s Mum) which as a side note I was very close to growing up as she looked after me a lot. He used the money she left him to buy a house and rent it out, the money from the rent goes straight to my Step Mum and now that is her ‘allowance’ and she retired early.
Growing up my Dad has always been very open with me and said that when he dies the money will go to Step Mum (if she is still alive) and then when she dies it will be cut evenly 3 ways.
I have found out recently from my aunt that this is actually not the case. I will be getting 1/5 of their house and my siblings 2/5s. My Aunty has expressed that she has been told by my Step Mum that their rental home is soley in my step mums name. And therefore could be going 2 ways between my brother and sister. Or if not could be getting split the same way their permanent home is.
I spoke to my Dad briefly about it yday to ask exactly what will happen as I have been told one thing but actually another thing is happening and therefore I’ve been lied to, I’d like to know 100% now what is happening so that I don’t have to find out when he’s dead and things haven’t been explained. He said to me yday that the way it is now isn’t fair (on me) but not to worry because she will die first and then he will change the will!!!!! I told him it was ridiculous and then I ask him to be honest with me about it all then he said he wasn’t 100% sure himself how things will be split. I asked him who the executors of his will are and he said it was both my brother and sister. This has hurt me weirdly more than being lied to.
It might not sound like it but it’s not actually about the money for me, it’s about not being treated fairly and I never have been by that side of my family. There is a lot of history and a lot of times I have been treated very unfairly. But I would happily give all of my share to charity as long as I know I have been treated fairly by him I feel I can get on happily with my life. But right now I feel like I’ve been yet again kept in the dark and am being treated differently. I’m in my early 30s now.
I would like to ask to see the will so that I can know exactly how it’s been divide now so that if I need to I can ask my Dad questions about it and get answers. Would I be unreasonable to do this?
Would I also be unreasonable to suggest I am also made an executor? I have looked into it and you can have up to 4 executors. I really hope I’m not coming across as some sort of gold digger here. Genuinely I would give my share to charity I just want things to be fair.

The fact she earns off a house that was from your grandma and no relation to her is what makes this all wrong.

Not a lawyer either but we looked into contesting when the issue came up in my family and there wasn't a chance and my family member did ask a lawyer for advice and was told little chance of winning and not worth the cost

You said you’ve been lied to for years? Can I ask why you’re even discussing the will? Why do you need to know before anyone is dead… have you brought this up a lot? Why have you been ruminating over this? I have never asked my father about his will. I find that a bit strange.

You cannot contest if he leaves it to her without reservations she can do whatever she wants

In England anyone is free to leave whatever they wish to whoever/whatever they wish in their Will. There is no law of inheritance regarding rights for family or relatives. One can leave everything to charity or the cat next door. You can however contest your right to inheritance/inheriting more through the courts after person who made will dies but it is very expensive and somewhat unpredictable.

I never ask. I've always been told. From a very young age. My Dad I felt had always been very open about his will. The only reason I have now asked him to clarify is because my Aunt has come to me and told me that it isn't how I have been told and she wanted to make sure I'm not left out of the house my Dad bought with my Grandma's money.
My family have had a lot of bereavements and wills have openly been discussed, it's never been a 'hush' topic which I know it can be in some families.

Be careful of what you wish for here.

If your dad splits his assets between the three of you, and your stepmum splits between her biological children, you get 16.6% and siblings get 41.6% each.

So 1/5th is more.

The only reason I have now asked him to clarify is because my Aunt has come to me and told me that it isn't how I have been told and she wanted to make sure I'm not left out of the house my Dad bought with my Grandma's money.

Sounds like auntie is a stirrer and is trying to cause upset.You have no control over what your father puts in his will. He can write a new will at any time. I understand why you are upset, but having this conversation may not achieve the outcome you are hoping for.

OP, reading between the lines it seems like you carry a lot of hurt over the fact that it appears that your father's "second family" has taken priority over you for years now. Or at least that's your perception. And it is a fairly common scenario with remarriage (and understandably painful).

But this focus on your (anticipated) inheritance isn't going to get you anywhere. You've asked your father, he's given you an answer and I'm afraid doggedly pursuing this will likely end up damaging the relationship you have with him. Is it "fair"? I don't really know. But pursuing this will make you seem very money-focused and motivated by greed.

I have an adult son and my husband and I have discussed the contents of our will(s) with him. There will be no surprises, but none of it is open for negotiation and I would be hurt if he endlessly wanted to discuss how he might benefit financially from my death.

It sounds entirely fair. I'm sorry it's hurt your feelings but it is right.

What your grandma would or wouldn't have wanted is not relevant. She did what she wanted with her money which was leave it to your dad, and that's his money now to do whatever he wants with.

You really shouldn't be getting involved in this. You're not owed a single penny and this kind of behaviour is really ugly.

I haven’t say I understand your upset - the whole way everything has been handled is just weird. Who talks to a young child about inheritance? In my experience only very controlling people. I’m in my 40’s and have no idea what my parents wills are, nor my grandparents who are still living.

However the money from your gran - it was her choice who she left it to, and she didn’t leave it to you, so it’s not Gran’s money buying the house, it’s your dads money. No matter how fair or unfair that may seem.

If your dad leaves everything to his wife however you’re right - she could change it and leave you with nothing. I’d talk to him and see if he could change that, to leave you your 1/5th direct, even if he puts it in trust with disclaimer that if wife needs it for care she can use it.

My mum told me yesterday that she is going to leave everything to my sister’s 3 kids because she hates my BIL and doesn’t want him to have any of her money. She said that my DH and his parents can provide for my DS, who is disabled, as he won’t ever ‘own his own home’. I feel a bit hurt too but it’s fine, it’s her choice. My DSiS is a very high earner and her husband has addiction issues so her kids may be left with nothing if my DSIS dies first, which is unlikely but not impossible. As a PP said no one knows what will happen in between now and the person’s death. These sorts of situations are always difficult.

I appreciate this. You are right how I feel, which is hurt has a lot to do with how I feel like I've been put to one side and quite frankly treated like a mistake.
It does shock me how some people can't see this behaviour as hurtful and how being lied and feeling hurt by this has a poster calling my behaviour 'ugly' - it's a shame expressing my feelings of hurt and talking this out with people before acting on anything has had be branded this way again by somebody who does not know me.
However again to this poster, thank you. I take what you say on board and realise it will only make me look bad by wanting some questions answered and would look like I'm just after more £££.

A lot of pretty harsh replies here, it seems to me (pretty sure the OP wasn't asking for comments on her character or whether she comes across 'in a good light' to a bunch of strangers). OP, sorry to say, although it's been expressed rather unkindly, a lot of the comments do make a good point that it's out of your control and sadly, things may not end up in your favour if you push it with your dad. Just wanted to say that I understand and empathise with the hurt you feel, and went through something similar myself with my own stepmum. It's so painful to feel like a spare part in your own family, that you don't quite belong, and in your case that you've been lied to.

Not that it's going to help anyone in this situation in this country, but isn't it the case that in some European countries, it's legally impossible to cut your children out of your will entirely? Given the hurt and stress it causes so many people with step parents, I suppose I kind of get where they're coming from.

Thank you for this reply and I'm sorry you've been through similar with your step mum. It's very hurtful and hard to process (not just with this particular situation but with many things that have happened previously as well).
People who have questioned my character are either much better/stronger people than I am or simply have no experience in how it feels to have your parent move on to have another family and then the after math of how that can make you feel when it isn't handled correctly. I also realise that other families have the same family dynamic with step families and make it work completely and nobody feels like a spare part - it can be done properly! I think communication is key.

When it comes to inheritance, the best advice is to expect nothing, then any surprise will be a pleasant one.

I have been told it will go equally 3 ways, it won't, I have been lied to
I find it very odd that your dad was having serious discussion about his will intentions when you were growing up as you say in your post. That doesn't happen and even if things are mentioned, you can expect things not to change as time goes by.

Your dad can't be that old, so even now, I find it a very odd conversation to be having and to expect to be showing the will...talk about entitlement! It's no surprise he hasn't made you executor of his will!

I am in exactly the same situation than you on both sides, just 20 years older than you. My dad is in his 80s and still I haven't asked him what his will looks like. It's none of my business how he and my stepmum (and my mum) have chosen to divide the money.

One sure thing though, if I was pestering him and demanding to see the will, he would very hurt and disappointed in me.

I expect your dad is telling you what you want to hear so not to create conflict and I really don't blame him!

It surprises me that these things aren’t discussed in blended families. We don’t have any shared children, I have one and my bloke has three. We have mirror wills and our assets will be split equally four ways on the second death. According to most pp my son should be kicking off because they think he should get half and the other three a sixth each. I genuinely can’t contemplate how incredibly hurt they’d be and fortunately nor can my son with whom I’ve discussed this.

If your father has assured you for years that his estate would be passed to his wife and then split equally between his 3 children after her death he has been foolish. Perhaps he hasn't deliberately lied, simply not thought things through. Perhaps when he said "Left to the 3 of you" he didn't actually mean equal shares. If your grandmother wanted to leave something to you she could have done so directly, rather than leaving everything to your dad. Your father could write his will leaving a life interest in his half of the property to your step-mother, then adjust the shares left to you and your step-siblings after her death, to ensure all three of you get the same. But you have no right to see his will in advance of his death, even if you were an Executor, and he could amend his will at any date. I think your hurt is more about feeling left out than money and maybe that is something you can address with him?

OP you sound really grabby and a bit desperate. It’s really none of your business. Where is your self respect and dignity here?

That's lovely and fair and reasonable. However, some families are swayed by inheritance amounts from the other parent (eg if your step-children inherited millions from their mother then you might want to even things out by leaving more to your son). Also, unless protected by a trust or similar, you can't prevent your partner from changing their will once you are dead and cutting out your son.

So are you saying I am lying about him telling me on several occasions that he and my step mum have made a will and everything is split 3 ways? I'm not lying, that's what I've been told. I have never asked him to tell me this information but he has openly told me several times over the years.

You think lying to your child for an easy life is the answer? Please let me assure you that it isn't. I'd respect much more being told I wasn't in it at all than being lied to about it which creates hurt and resentment. I just don't want to be lied to and felt even more pushed out of their family than I have been throughout the years.

I haven't asked to see his will, you have read my post incorrectly.

My Dad is 70, so not much younger than your Dad, he had me late. Don't make assumptions.

Thank you!!! Someone who thinks the same as me! Because if I was in the same situation as you I would be acting the exact same way. And how lovely for your blended family that you are all treated equally and seen the same.

Seriously I don't wish to hear opinions like this 'where's my self respect?' where's yours? I'm a stranger on the internet, get a life. If you have nothing constructive to say then piss off with your nasty comments.

To everyone leaving constructive comments. I do appreciate it and take it on board. I will deal with my issues that I quite clearly have regarding my childhood privately and will expect nothing in the will and then I can't ever be surprised.

I'm another one who has gone through something similar OP.

My mums 'love language' was giving gifts and being very generous. Also, like your dad, she referred to 'my inheritance' at various points throughout her life so, although I didn't pursue or ask, I was confident I knew her will.

When she died, reality was very different from what I was promised. She left almost everything to her husband and I got a much smaller cut of her estate.

And no, it wasn't about the money. My DH and I are relatively comfortable. It was the unfairness and the change from her 'love language' that devastated me.

I am undergoing counselling for this right now.

Unmumsnetty hugs for you. It's shit