Sibling I never knew in touch

[Highfivemum]

Keep this brief and will change slight details to keep it discreet .
I have been contacted by a someone who states that they have the same mum as me.
backstory is I was in care as was my younger DB from a young age. No contact with any family but my DB. From the age of 18 I took custody of my DB and raised him with my DH. ( he was 11) we are very close.
I have never had any doubt that one or both of my parents probably had more DC but this is out of the blue and they say they are older than me !
I know it is not their fault but I do not want any contact with any other siblings as I shut that part of my life away along time ago and it would open all wounds. But do I tell my DB. ? He has been very strong in saying he never wants any contact from any part of our families in the past but by not telling him I feel I am lying to him. My DH says i should tell him I feel I should just ignore it.
WWYD ?

my DB has had a lot of hurt in the past and lost his first wife at a young age and it affected him. I cannot let this happen again.
We are all in happy places now. This has knocked me a bit sideways.

Your DH is right, he has the right to make his own decision on this. Understandable that you want to protect him, but he's a grown up and it would be wrong to hide this from him.

I would tell him, it doesn’t mean he needs to contact them. But there is also the chance this sibling could message your brother and say they have messaged you, in turn your brother may feel excluded or lied to x

You’re not unreasonable to feel that way but you do have to tell him. If he finds out himself at a later date he could be very hurt that you didn’t tell him.

Thanks for response.
I know what you are saying and I do agree however even this email from the sibling has brought up all lots of bad memories.
a couple of years ago one of the relatives we are NC with tried to get in touch and the upset it caused just by receiving it was really bad. My DB and I both said at the time we never want to go into that dark place again and my DB said as well as me that we are not interested.

This is a different situation, and not someone from either of your pasts, though. I think your brother needs to be given the opportunity to make his own decision. It’s infantilising to decide you know best.

Well in that case, don't tell him. If he ever finds out and says Why didn't you tell me? you can say that you both agreed to move on and not get involved with people from the past.
I watch a lot of the genealogy programmes on TV and most of the 'new sibling' ones end happily, with new families. But I did my own family tree and found my granddad's new family after he left my gran with four small dch. One of my other cousins has been in touch with this new family, but I don't want to know. So I understand how you feel.

I think I’d tell the DB that this person has been in touch and you have decided not to make any contsct with them as it stirs up the past. I think it would be worse if they then go on to contact your DB and he finds out they’d already contacted you.

I would never want to lie to my DB and yes I am over protective of him. If he was contacted I would not want him to tell me. Who knows he may have been already though the sibling didn’t say this.
to tell him will cause upset and I will do anything not to upset my DB

He has the right to decide. You must tell him.

I had a similar thing. In touch with my sibling... it was a really positive experience for me.

It was good knowing more about my family

I would ignore it and move on. Your brother has been very clear to you about his wishes and this persons need for a connection doesn’t trump your or your brothers need to not have one.

My mum was contacted by one of these people after her dad died, it made me so angry. There was much talk about should the family meet them etc. I don’t think this individual gave two hoots about the upset and turmoil they caused the family- it was just about fulfilling their own need for connection.

These stories are never heartwarming or about building connections. They are grubby and upsetting and quite frankly I don’t care that we may have some genes in common, the fact that you would risk upsetting my family means I don’t want anything to do with you. It is selfish.

I think this is a bit harsh. Yes there are many people who don't want any contact with family members for a variety of reasons but there are plenty that do.
I'd never consider someone who wants to trace family as selfish. That's a pretty bold statement.

Has this person said what they actually want OP? Do they expect to meet, have they offered any explanation to how they found you or what prompted contact now, are they in contact with biological family? I am the other side of this, I am adopted and biological mother wants no contact which is fair enough, I know she has another daughter (a full bio sibling to me) and how to contact her but I just won't, it would cause too much hurt for everyone. I think how this person approached you would influence how I went forward.

I think the TV show Long Lost Families has a lot to answer for. Not every family meeting, where they see each other for the first time, is an emotional and uplifting occasion. It can be damaging and hurtful. I would tell your brother so that he knows, but apart from that, I wouldn't push for any kind of contact.

I had siblings trying to contact me and like you I chose not to have anything to do with them, we share a father but it didn't mean much to me either.

I think you should say to your brother though I get you are trying to protect him but you got to choose what to do but it's unfair not to give your brother that choice.

Having been that (adopted at birth) unknown sibling who contacted my birth families as an adult I can tell you that it's nerve-racking, exciting and emotional. Always remember that they were a child once and that the sins of the father/mother are not the sins of the child.

It is not your decision, OP. Your brother is an adult, he has capacity to make his own decisions. You obviously care about him but you are, essentially lying by omission and are taking away his autonomy. However well meant, this is quite controlling at its core.
Unless he explicitly told you not to tell him if situation like this ever arises, a vague "I don't ever want to go through this again" is not a good enough reason to keep it from him.

FWIW, I know someone (herself adopted) whose DH was contacted by an older half-sibling he’d been completely unaware of. His DM had had a baby very young, been sent to one of the Magdalen ‘Laundries’ to have the baby, which was adopted - she was sent away to work and never saw or heard from any of her own family again.

By the time the family found out, their DM had died.

For quite a long time the half-siblings refused any contact with the ‘new’ one, and my friend, who’d previously contacted her own birth mother and soon afterwards been rejected by her, felt awful for the new half sibling, and maintained some friendly contact until the actual half-siblings felt able to meet up.

It ultimately turned into a happy relationship all round.

I am sure this is causing you a lot of distress right now. It’s not straightforward.

This is what I do know though, the problem with ignoring something is it doesn’t go away. It is also much easier to deal with the closer it is to the initial contact rather than letting it linger. Short and sharp.

You have made your choice to not proceed with contact from the sibling.

I do think you have to tell your brother and let him decided. It is likely that he will make the same choice as you.

Then you can ask the new sibling to not contact you again - as the relationship is not something you wish to proceed with.

I'm sorry your brother and you had such a tough upbringing. I think you should tell him that a possible half sibling has contacted you. You say he struggled when a NC relative got in touch, but this is slightly different in that he is not aware of this person and has not (yet) chosen whether he wants contact or not. Like others, I think there's a chance your half sibling may also contact your brother. If that's the case, you are not protecting your brother by not telling him as he'll find out anyway. But by telling him you are making sure that he doesn't feel lied to by you. (You could also ask at the same time if the situation repeats with another half sibling whether he'd want to know). I hope you and your brother, and your half sibling as they might have had a rubbish time too, manage to find peace.

I think that you should tell him in an fyi way because this new sibling could contact him and you’re probably the best person to warn him of the possibility of contact.
You’re very close with your brother and keeping this secret could turn into a problem even though he said that he didn’t want to know in the past.

This is a skewed and hurtful post.

Tell him. Assuming he is an adult so he can make a decision whether he wished to have contact. Bear in mind that the person who has contacted you is probably in the same boat as you. They may have recently discovered they have half siblings.
Remember it's not the fault of the children that they were, for whatever reason, removed
from their parents/abandoned/adopted, .It's completely up to those involved whether that wish to establish a relationship.

Finding members of a birth family isn't necessarily a bad thing. We found my husband's birth mother (forced adoption when she was very young and unmarried) and her children from a later marriage. It's worked out very well. One family now.

If he finds out you knew and kept it from him it will equally hurt him.

He's an adult. Let him know, and leave the decision to him.

Perhaps this sibling has had their own traumatic life and are trying to piece together some information to try and find something good? Perhaps this is their way of getting some closure?