Sibling I never knew in touch

[Highfivemum]

Keep this brief and will change slight details to keep it discreet .
I have been contacted by a someone who states that they have the same mum as me.
backstory is I was in care as was my younger DB from a young age. No contact with any family but my DB. From the age of 18 I took custody of my DB and raised him with my DH. ( he was 11) we are very close.
I have never had any doubt that one or both of my parents probably had more DC but this is out of the blue and they say they are older than me !
I know it is not their fault but I do not want any contact with any other siblings as I shut that part of my life away along time ago and it would open all wounds. But do I tell my DB. ? He has been very strong in saying he never wants any contact from any part of our families in the past but by not telling him I feel I am lying to him. My DH says i should tell him I feel I should just ignore it.
WWYD ?

my DB has had a lot of hurt in the past and lost his first wife at a young age and it affected him. I cannot let this happen again.
We are all in happy places now. This has knocked me a bit sideways.

You could say something to him like:

”Hypothetically (meaningful look) if a family member we never met before was trying to make contact, would you want to be told?”

And see what he says.

But this isn't one of those situations. He has a right to know. What are you going to do if they eventually contact him themselves and he finds out you knew and didn't tell him? Honestly, this is different. It's not like previous hurts. Withholding this from him will not reflect well on you. Yes you will do anything to save him from hurt but he's not a toddler. As much as I understand your closeness he's an adult and you do not have a right to decide what is best for him. This isn't for you to keep from him. Honestly what is the worst that's actually going to come from telling him? He says I'm not interested and you both carry on as normal. Where's the drama in that? Just tell him.

But you are lying and being deceitful by withholding this information. You cannot make this decision for him.

I do think you are being quite selfish, this is just about protecting your brother, it's that you don't want him to have contact possible relationship with this potential sibling.

I think you need to tell him and let him make his own decision.

For what it's worth, I have had siblings I didn't know about contact me (we share a father who I don't know). I spoke to them for a while, never met in person and I decided to cut all ties again. It didn't do good things for me either. But ultimately that was my decision I would have been annoyed if someone made that decision for me, even if it was from a good place.

You need to tell him and let him make his own choice.
This sibling might a great gift to you both and to not even meet to find out seems very sad and wrong to me. Maybe they are on their own and thrilled to have found out you exist?
I have a bit of mystery in my past and would dearly love to find out I had a sister or brother. It’s the reason I joined Ancestry but no luck.

This is not a “skewed and hurtful post”. It is the posters experience and reality.

Surely anyone who reaches out to family that may not know of their existence, is certainly doing it for their own reasons and desire for contact and connection. Otherwise, why do it? They are also doing it with the knowledge it may cause upset to the other side.

They are entitled to do it but let’s not pretend the action is not selfish. And I don’t mean that negatively, but that the action is driven by the needs of self, no one else.

My brother is adopted, he traced his birth family, because he wanted to and was entitled to. BM was delighted to hear from him, threw herself into establishing a relationship with my DB and his son. Then my DB decided it wasn’t what he wanted and cut all ties.

Cant imagine that was positive for his BM.

Humans are fundamentally selfish and our actions are driven by what seems best for ourselves and our families at any given time. And yes, this can cause upset and pain to those on the receiving end.

Another vote for tell him - sorry OP.

I don't think you can make the decision for him. It will be worse if this half sibling contacts him direct. This way you can control the time/place of talking to him, and he wont be blind sided if the half sibling does contact him in the future.

He may also resent you for not telling him, even if he does get angry / upset at the time of telling.

Of course you have to tell him. It's not up to you to "do anything not to upset my DB", you may think you're protecting him but you're infantilising him by assuming he cannot handle this. He is a grown man, deserves to know, and deserves to make his own decision. My father's family had the exact same attitude towards him and didn't tell him things it turns out he would have loved to know, and he's been carrying a lot of regret that he wasn't told about those things until it was too late. It's not your right to take this choice away from your brother by witholding this information.

Thanks for the responses.
The new sibling has not asked to meet at this stage. They had just discovered too that they had a sibling. There has been no DNA done so I don’t even know for 100 percent if it is true but from what they say it does all fit.
I love my DB dearly and would respect any decision he made, I just know from previous he has no desire to be in touch with his past. Too many bad memories.

I would tell him but once you have then don't mention anything more about it unless he asks or mentions it first.

I apparently have a half sibling on my mum's side. They decided to "reach out" to me once they had learned both my parents had died. Their father has said he wants to meet me before he dies (late 80's now), but I have absolutely no interest in meeting either of them and couldn't care less about what they want tbh.

I am going to tell him later after he has finished work. I am dreading it as I know how he feels about anything to do with family. I know my DB and I know he will not be interested but I think I have to give him the option. I just hope it is the right decision

I hope, if you or DB make a response to the one who’s contacted you that it works out well.

There’s 50/50 chance they could bring trouble and strife to your door? Tread carefully and meet on neutral territory.

Before I get flamed for suggesting this, please accept I have personal experience of a half sibling seeking us out which turned out not to be the best experience.

Thank you.
My main worry is not if my DB wants to contact the sibling as I know he will not. My concern is the feelings it stirs up of our so called family. We have moved on, we had to and create new lives away from the past. When anything comes up about past it brings up so much hurt and it takes me and my DB to a very dark place. I was contacted by this sibling two weeks ago and it has been a hard two weeks trying to deal with it.
I hope my DB is strong and we can just moved forward again

Giving him a piece of information can’t be the wrong decision. He’s free to do what he wants with it, and from what you say, he’s unlikely to want to pursue meeting the sibling, but you will have given him the choice, and then you can both forget about it with an easy mind.

The same thing happened to me OP, a long lost sibling showed up. I'll post later, busy now.

He definitely has the right to know but could you find out more before you tell him?

The is probably a world of difference between a new family member who has had a similar experience and one who lived with your Mum and has turned out like her.

It seems odd to me that you don't want to know about your half sibling. At least give them a chance.

@paintingvenice "My mum was contacted by one of these people..." I am one of those people. I have twice been rejected by my bio mum, left in foster care whilst she went on to have another child she kept less than 18 months later. But I have never felt angry, only wanted some questions answered. I made contact,indirect, but was warned off as she did not want her "real children" to know about me. I long ago accepted this.

Yet as I have grown older, I have been considering contacting my bio brother. But your post makes me sound like an entitled, selfish person. Yet I have kept the secret I was asked to for so many years but do we not have a right to know about our background, health issues and other potential siblings? He can always refuse contact, that is his right and his choice.

It has been hard to understand for me as I am a Kinship carer through the family courts and have never thought of myself in the terms you describe.

Op, I would tell your brother. It is to your credit that you seek to protect him but he has to have chance to mull this over and make his own decision.

This is the approach I would go with in your situation @Highfivemum

ignore any anecdotes from posters who have both positive and negative experiences. None of it is applicable to your personal family situation. The only thing I would say is that if the answer is that you don’t want contact, then make sure your message back is clear and firm on this - you can still be courteous but don’t leave any room for ambiguity.

Hi @Highfivemum a few years ago I was contacted by a man claiming to be my brother. I was gobsmacked because he was two years older than me and it didn't make any sense. My birth mother, who had me adopted, told me a story of being alone, pregnant, scared and desperate but she had been through it all before, literally not much more than a year between the time he was given away for adoption and she got pregnant with me. I was very reticent but so was he, and we sent a few emails and left it at that, maybe 3 a year. Then last year I was on a weekend away and realised it was near his town so I asked to meet for coffee. It went really well, he has exactly the same mindset as me and has a busy full life. He was brought up very similarly to me, in a loving family with lots of aunts uncles cousins etc and we have enough people to be keeping in touch with without drawing more drama on ourselves. We also have a similar relationship with our birth mother. That is, I text her occasionally, we sent Christmas cards and I've met her 3 times I think. I sometimes randomly send her messages about medical stuff but very casual like - hey did you ever get cysts and she might reply, no but my cholesterol is going up, you should know!

My mother went on to have 4 more kids after me and my birth father had 5 so there are 9 more out there that I've never met or showed interest in meeting. I've never even looked them up online although I know their names. I could drive a few hours to their town and I'd probably bump into a few, they all live near each other but are unaware of their connection. What's interesting is my 'new' brother and adopted sister have the same blase attitude about biological family. Its funny but I think when you grow up without blood relatives you don't value it as much, you'd think it would be the opposite but I just don't associate family with DNA.

The big difference obviously is you and your DB went through a lot, it sounds like there was childhood trauma and massive responsibility on your part. So its bound to be much more complex. My situation is simpler and less emotional. I feel occasionally guilty that my half siblings, particularly mothers 4 kids were not told about me, I think its shitty she didn't tell them but I'm happy to not get involved. Sorry for the long post - but as others say be truthful but tread cautiously, very cautiously until you know what this sibling is about and don't be afraid to be selfish and say no if needs be. All that said, this person could be a blessing to you too, you never know. Very best of luck to you and your brother.

I would tell him, even though it will bring up hurt. Secrets break trust.

I would tell him - dont lie to him. Let him make his own decision - not you.

Thank you for your insight and sharing your story. It makes total sense what you are saying.
I deal with my past by looking forward and not back and really do not want to have to dig up the past and explain it to anyone else. If that makes sense. There is no doubt in my mind my mother and father probably have had more DC but that part of me is not one I ever want to explore. I know it is not the children’s fault but to explore it is taking me back to dark times and I cannot go there. Crazy it sounds but we all deal with things the best way we can.
thanks again

I think you should tell him. He's a grown man and should be allowed to make the decision whether he wants contact or not. I get that you don't want to cause him upset but that doesn't excuse keeping secrets from him.

You ask do you not have a right? Well from my families point of view the person who could give any answers as to why was dead and all the contact did was create hurt, confusion and upset. A grieving widow then had to process news of an affair and their kids and grandchildren had to witness that. As for information about health conditions, background and siblings we gave no information or verification at all so that is a moot point.

I would have had no issue with them reaching out to my grandfather- indeed they may well have done and he may have shut it down. What I do have issue with is them tea out to people who have no choice in the matter, upending their worlds and talking about what they are entitled to.