Sibling I never knew in touch

[Highfivemum]

Keep this brief and will change slight details to keep it discreet .
I have been contacted by a someone who states that they have the same mum as me.
backstory is I was in care as was my younger DB from a young age. No contact with any family but my DB. From the age of 18 I took custody of my DB and raised him with my DH. ( he was 11) we are very close.
I have never had any doubt that one or both of my parents probably had more DC but this is out of the blue and they say they are older than me !
I know it is not their fault but I do not want any contact with any other siblings as I shut that part of my life away along time ago and it would open all wounds. But do I tell my DB. ? He has been very strong in saying he never wants any contact from any part of our families in the past but by not telling him I feel I am lying to him. My DH says i should tell him I feel I should just ignore it.
WWYD ?

my DB has had a lot of hurt in the past and lost his first wife at a young age and it affected him. I cannot let this happen again.
We are all in happy places now. This has knocked me a bit sideways.

I think you did the right thing in telling him, even though he reacted badly. But I feel for both of you. We had contact from a 'long lost' family member and it was like a wrecking ball through our family. Not because the person was vindictive or unlikeable, but because of all the pain and hurt that was caused and the secrets that were unearthed. I look back years later at how the whole thing came to light and snowballed and still feel such a mixture of intense emotions. It was all so messy.

Hope you and your brother are ok

I'm so sorry that you and your brother are dealing with this 😔 and glad that you are now in a good place surrounded by people that love you. You are under no obligation at all to make contact with this unexpected sibling. You can put it behind you and not talk about it again now. You have done the right thing. Your brother is lucky to have a loving sister like you 💐

I think you both need to go to therapy OP. You can’t out run your past and if something comes up from the past and causes so much instability and extreme reactions you need to work on it and try to heal.

The other sibling isn’t the boogey man and this could have been used as an opportunity to find something lovely out of a bitter, hurtful past.

There is no reason that this should upset him. The person probably had as shitty an experience with your mother as you two had. That person is not your mother or any other unpleasant person in your birth family. Telling your brother that this person exists does not make it compulsory for your brother to contact them or ever meet them. It is merely information that he, as an adult man, has a right to know. He need never have anything to do with this person. He may decide to meet them in the future when he feels better about things. It is not your job to keep things from him.

I know it is not the children’s fault but to explore it is taking me back to dark times and I cannot go there.

Hold onto this. We all have our limits and it is good to know them. I am sorry you were persuaded to tell your brother.

Neither he nor you are on this earth to "provide closure" for others, as some pp blithely suggested, especially given it is stirring up traumas for you both.

The OP was right to tell her brother. And I agree with pps that both need therapy. It appears from the OP that it is perfectly possible further unknown half-siblings may exist and get in touch, and if they are this badly affected by such things, they need to deal with the underlying trauma, not just hope it never happens again, or that the same unknown sibling doesn’t make further attempts to contact them if they don’t get a reply.

I can see what you’re saying regarding not wanting contact with people, and that’s fine.

For medical and personal purposes, if it were me, I would do research to find out who exactly I am related to. Records are available and you can easily construct a family tree without ever having to have anything to do with the people.

It may be important if for example you ever have a breast lump; you can get referred to a genetic counsellor and they ask for your family history - you can give names they can search and if something comes up they then put you forward for screening.

And then there’s your children or grandchildren who may end up in relationships with cousins if you don’t know your family.

Not to give you anything else to worry about. But there are issues beyond the psychological.

Personally I wouldn't have told him. That kind of news isn't going to make him happy. It will just trigger dark thoughts from the past. If he's in a good place right now, I would have left it alone. However he had the right to know and that sibling could have contacted him directly, out of the blue. You could both do some good from therapy. Wishing you both all the best.

I wholeheartedly agree with this.
It so sad.
The sibling who reached out was very brave and in their position I'd feel heartbroken if they weren't contacted.

I agree.

I do understand how you feel, op. Nobody wants to open a can of worms. However, what happened to you and your brother is not the fault of the half sibling who is trying to get in touch.

In your position I would want to know more about the person and communicate with them by letter or email for a while. However, that is me. I was an adopted child which may explain how I feel.

Good luck.

I am going to go against the grain here a little.It sounds like you and DB are very close after a difficult upbringing .Firstly are they 100% sure that you share the same Mum? Secondly if you do meet and you all get on great ,if not more hurt and dredging up of past .Long lost families seem to have happy endings ,but in RL often not the case sadly .

I see you have told him .As PP said perhaps best they now know the facts.Can you not block this person on FB.They are probably traumitised as well ,but you have to protect your own and DB MH first

It’s easy to see how some families are shrouded in secrets and lies when adults are advocating keeping facts secret. No wonder so many families are so dysfunctional.

OP and I say this gently - you are not your DB protector, it’s not your responsibility to keep him safe. He is an adult (and this applies to women too) and should be able to listen to facts/information with out their world crashing down.

You, yourself should be able to receive information with out you being so triggered you go in to flight or fight mode.

Both of you need therapy because I can guarantee this behaviour would have leeched out on to the rest of your life - including your kids.

You absolutely did the right thing though. - Imagine if that person HAD contacted him direct - the way they did you. Wouldn't that have been worse?

• imagine you holding onto that information for the next few decades, not telling him, wondering whether or not you were doing the right thing by him. And perhaps that secret information a bit of a barrier between you?

I'm sure you've already done so, but do ensure your, your husband's and your brother's social media are made as anonymous/secure as possible - including LinkedIn. 🌹