Still sad about husband leaving

[Mollylegs]

Hi I just wanted to post on here as I'm kind of lonely and feeling gutted as my divorce is nearly through. My husband went off with someone else nearly 20 months ago, we had been together as a couple for nearly 22 years. He left his son and me for someone else and her 4 children and grandbaby. He doesn't see much of his own son and I know it upsets my son as he's mentioned it when drunk, however I doubt he's going to change and there isn't much I can do about it. My main problem is I still feel utterly heartbroken and I know I'm being stupid as he's been gone ages, I'm very depressed/down most days. Our divorce should be finalised by the end of May and I don't want to be divorced even though it was myself who filed for it(a bit of control I had left) My son has just started going out and enjoying his life,in the past year he has a little job walking distance and all his mates are nearby. He has lived here all his life and I know he doesn't want to move, the separation wasn't easy for either of us. I can see my MIL house from my house and my SIL too. I saw my MIL everyday for the last 16 years but obviously blood is thicker than water and they chose not to speak to me, they told my son I was lying and his ad didn't have someone else and tries to make me look like I was a liar. This is one of the reasons why I don't understand why I still feel so upset about him leaving and my upcoming divorce. I still love him yet I know I should hate him for lying and hurting me. It's been nearly twp years and I'm bloody upset and annoyed at myself every day.

You're definitely not being stupid OP - this sounds tough, including having to live so close to people who've pushed you away. You can't just switch feelings off, and your apprehension about the divorce sounds understandable - although perhaps after the end of May, when it's final, you'll gradually find it easier to make a fresh start. Do you have friends or other people you can talk things through with? Look after yourself.

Hugs to you op.

Your feelings make sense because they are a reflection of your own love and integrity, not your ex husbands. You’re already seeing this in some way, so in time you can trust that this will be clearer to your heart.

So don’t be upset or cross with yourself, be kind to yourself. Divorce is really tough and heartbreak can take a long time to fade. There’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ amount of time.

Do you have friends who can support you as the divorce comes through?

My DH has recently left me after 40+ years for someone else. I was absolutely devastated and somewhat reluctantly I paid for counselling and frankly it was the best thing I ever did. With the counsellors help I saw the relationship for what it really was not what I believed it do be and came to conclusion even if my DH wanted us to get back together I wouldn’t want this. Of course I’m still sad I devoted 40+ years of my life to him and we did have some great times but talking to the counsellor I also realised that there was a lot of unhappiness that I was ignoring and that in the last 5 years the unhappiness dominated our relationship. I live alone (my children are grown up) and have discovered how wonderful it is I feel I have suffocated by my ex for 40+ years and at last I am free to be myself.
Dont waste emotional energy trying to hate him (this is of course what family and friends possibly understandably want you to do) it won’t help you. Concentrate on yourself channel you fragile emotions into you, my counsellor encouraged me to look at the relationship for what it really was , affairs are symptoms of significant problems in a marriages, and also to start thinking about myself and what was best for me.
Secondly talk to your GP mine was amazing and I received fantastic support from our MH team.
You can get through this and come out the other side a better stronger more self fulfilled person. I know these all could like cliches and believe me even 8 months ago I was in a terrible place and at one stage the counsellor didn’t think I was emotionally strong enough to even do counselling. But today sitting here writing this I am happier that I have been in years no longer fighting to keep a relationship which has been dead a long time and with a man who had for 40 + years always put his needs above mine. I am finally free to be my self and I am now discovering who that person is it’s an interesting journey!
Good luck 💐

Thank you @beardediris its good to hear your getting somewhere, I have an appointment with a counsellor next week so fingers crossed x

Hi, I don't have any friends. Now looking back my MIL and my SIL were my friendship group, I spent everyday for a couple of hours after school drop off with her. I rarely went out as we did what he wanted to do. I don't have a close relationship with my family so I'm kind of Billy no mates x

Sorry the above post was meant for @hopscotcher

Hi @Jinglehop thank you for your kindness, I feel absolutely heartbroken and I don't have a single person to reach out to, I wish it would all just go away x

It sounds super hard. I would bet you've been in survival mode. Please take a little time today to look forward. You don't have to take any immediate steps but I think having a plan to look forward to might help.

Making a decision to move forward is part of healing and knowing where you want life to be in 1, 3 and 5 years would be good for you to see a way forward. Takes the pressure off of acting today.

Perhaps you'd like to have joined a gym or a club within 1 year, have gone on holiday or decorated a room within 3 years and have moved out in 5?

You're not stupid. I'm in a similar position as my DH left me out of the blue last Summer after 24 years of marriage. I thought my life was over. I'm not over it but I'm in therapy to help me sort all my feelings out. All three of my sons have cut him off, not because of the split but because if his behaviour since. I'm struggling with so much anger at what he's done to them.

I don't want to make this about me, but after an abusive ex I needed to make new friends. This was ten years ago and I recently had a milestone birthday and was surrounded by love. Not one of those "friends" who believed his facade were there and it was quite emotional in a good way to see how I had fought for myself.

Life will be different for you and it can be better but just be gentle and take one day at a time. There is nothing like the confidence of rebuilding yourself and you can do it. You sound lovely and deserve the best.

Do you have anyone anywhere? Could you move to be near family?

I hope you find the right counsellor slightly ironically we went for private relationship counselling (in fairness not to get back together but to find an amicable way forward) and were assessed by the person who ran the organisation and she, with quite a degree of concern and only once permission had been obtained from my GP, referred me to the person I saw. She was amazing, absolutely life changing. the GP had advised that the counsellor had to tread very carefully and avoid distressing me even more and she managed somehow to do this but still challenge me and encourage me to think about what was going on and how I could resolve it.
I have previously seen other counsellors but with limited success. So find the right person for you.
Do see your GP, I was having serious sleep problems, couldn’t concentrate, wasn’t eating and having suicidal ideation, his help and the help of the MH team attached to my GP also made a big difference.
It really isn’t about learning to hate your ex they are what they are, hating them isn’t going to change them make them or realise how awful they’ve been to you or IMO long term going to make you feel better. Its all about you and how you can move forward and start to make a new and hopefully better life for yourself.

By the time my divorce came through i was happy in a new home and with a new partner and life was great. But i still cried my heart out when the letter arrived. Although i made the best out of the situation it was not what i had wanted for me or my kids and i was sad for the life i would no longer have. I was grieving and it was painful. I don't think your pain is foolish.

Some help to process it and decide how to move on alongside your son as he moves on in his life might be good. Your home is a comfort right now but being SO close to your inlaws might be holding you back and in a years time a fresh start might be good. You want your son to spread his wings and live his life not worrying about his mum and feel he has to stay for you, so make that your reason to build yourself a new life now. What do you want? What would make you happy?

Start with small things. Buy new bedding. Decorate your room. Create yourself a haven.

I’m supporting friends through divorce, I wish I could give you a big hug and make you a cup of tea. I think yours is compounded by the huge change in routine losing your in laws as well that is really very difficult.

My friend was very down and I was genuinely worried for the state of her mind, they had been together for 30 years and he had been lying to her for months. She is doing a lot better now and there was a time she thought life was just very bleak.

It’s understandable to have a major wobble when the divorce is finalised as it’s a significant event. Try meet up online it’s free, I found a walking group that meet up on a regular basis through them.

One of the things my counsellor encouraged me to do was something for myself. My life had been my ex, my now grown up children and work. This was a totally new concept to me. A friend encouraged me to accompany her to an interest that she did once a week I had zero interest in it but because the task set by my counsellor that week had been to do something for myself it ticked the box. Much to my surprise I loved it, my friend said it was the first time she’d seen me look happy and even laugh in years. My friend has now dropped out but I still go and have made a couple of new friends. I think new friends are good they don’t ask me about my ex and I choose what I want to say about myself and my past.
From this I joined another group a different activity this time on my own and again I’m loving it.

Hi @CommentNow thank you for your suggestions and not being pushy, I feel annoyed at myself as I know people are going through some awful times and I should be ashamed at being so self absorbed but I'm struggling x

Hi @PinkyFlamingo I feel the same anger. My husband and even my MIL were saying to my son that his dad had non one else/wasn't cheating when he was. How dare they lie to my son when they both knew they were in the wrong. Good luck for your future xx

”Start with small things. Buy new bedding. Decorate your room. Create yourself a haven.”
^^ This, assuming it’s your house now is your chance to have it how you want, This might sound ridiculous but I can finally arrange the saucepans in the drawer how I want them to be and as I live alone they are always like that every time I open the drawer I love it. Paint a wall a colour you’ve always wanted, get rid of that picture you’ve always hated but he loved, buy yourself a lovely plant, do what you want it’s your life now.
The one thing I would say is don’t always listen to people saying “oh you easily find someone else” or join on line dating” enjoy your freedom discover yourself work out what you really want from life.

Really great suggestion @beardediris

@Mollylegs I’ve been moving through heartbreak for more than two years now and at times I still feel like you do. I’ve found I have time to do some of the things I’d always wanted to but never could quite get to.

I also took some time to think about what activities my ex and I did together that brought me joy (not hard to do when you’re heartbroken) and found groups that did similar things. At first it was hard meeting up with groups of strangers, but I have made some lovely friends along the way.

I’ve been there got the T shirt.
Do not be ashamed of course you’re struggling you are grieving the loss of a man you loved and the relationship you had together for 20+ years. And you’ve lost you friends in you MIL and SIL. Being alone after 20+ years is very hard especially if you don’t have friends. This is not self indulgent nonsense you have every reason to struggle.
But I can tell you life will be better people used to say this to me and I didn’t believe them but they were right I am a million times better off without him, I’m still sad I have a 40+ year history with my ex my entire adult life, and my divorce will be finalised in a few weeks as well which is hard but I am now finding a new happiness that I haven’t experienced in years.

Hi @beardediris I have no intention of joining any dating sites!!! xx

Hi @CommentNow I wish I could fast orward x

Hi @Easipeelerie do I sound really pathetic having no friends. He wanted me in the house and isolated. I honestly don't have anyone, except for my son I can weeks without speaking to a soul. I hate myself for letting this happen.

@juicelooseabootthishoose Thanks I'm sure I will cry plenty. I have just redecorated my bedroom to make it mine. just the rest of the house to go x

If i may make another observation. You say you only have yourself, well then please speak to yourself with a bit more kindness. All of your comments about yourself are putting yourself down. So working with a counsellor is an excellent idea to process the divorce and to work on your self esteem. And show yourself a bit more love and respect.

The past is now the past. Of course there are regrets and so on. But take pleasure in small things. A sunny day. A smile from a stranger. Hearing your son laughing with friends. Remind yourself that the world is mostly good, you just had a shitty run of it for a couple of years. Life can and will move on.

Take a vitamin d supplement. Get
Outdoors every day even if for a gentle walk. If you feel unused to walking alone put in headphones and listen to favourite songs or a podcast that will make You laugh.

Think about all the things you can do now that he held you back from. They wont happen overnight. But even watching your favourite tv show without him huffing from behind his newspaper is a freedom.