Still sad about husband leaving

[Mollylegs]

Hi I just wanted to post on here as I'm kind of lonely and feeling gutted as my divorce is nearly through. My husband went off with someone else nearly 20 months ago, we had been together as a couple for nearly 22 years. He left his son and me for someone else and her 4 children and grandbaby. He doesn't see much of his own son and I know it upsets my son as he's mentioned it when drunk, however I doubt he's going to change and there isn't much I can do about it. My main problem is I still feel utterly heartbroken and I know I'm being stupid as he's been gone ages, I'm very depressed/down most days. Our divorce should be finalised by the end of May and I don't want to be divorced even though it was myself who filed for it(a bit of control I had left) My son has just started going out and enjoying his life,in the past year he has a little job walking distance and all his mates are nearby. He has lived here all his life and I know he doesn't want to move, the separation wasn't easy for either of us. I can see my MIL house from my house and my SIL too. I saw my MIL everyday for the last 16 years but obviously blood is thicker than water and they chose not to speak to me, they told my son I was lying and his ad didn't have someone else and tries to make me look like I was a liar. This is one of the reasons why I don't understand why I still feel so upset about him leaving and my upcoming divorce. I still love him yet I know I should hate him for lying and hurting me. It's been nearly twp years and I'm bloody upset and annoyed at myself every day.

Hi @ViciousCurrentBun I'd love a cup of tea and a hug. My whole life revolved around my husband and his family. I felt just as hurt and let down by them. I have spoken to my MIL twice since my husband left and my SIL never yet they walk by my house every day. I have no clue what he's told them and felt most hurt that they would all lie to my son about his dad even though she was stupid enough to comment on their posts on Facebook that were dated. I just felt let down massively by everyone I thought cared for me x

Hi @juicelooseabootthishoose and @beardediris I know I will just have to give it time and hopefully I will come out the other side. I am heartbroken most of the time but then I'm so angry for my boy, how dare he leave and not bother with him, he's the most loving kid and even though he was 18 at the time he would come down everynight when his dad got in from work and jump on him with a kiss and a hug. He broke my boys heart and he doesn't bother much with him. Yet the poor soul still loves to see his dad, if his dads car appears at his mothers house I will always tell my boy so he can go and see his dad, id never stop him going even though I hate the way he's treat him x

I think the best thing you can do for your sanity is drop the rope about his family.

That is REALLY hard as his family were told allsorts of lies about me. But its really common. Ultimately he is their son, their blood and in a divorce he is their priority regardless of his bad decisions. If you were close to them you would want your own family to be loyal to you. In that sense his family are not unreasonable. Some acknowledgment before cutting ties would have helped. But actually if you were in touch you would hear all sorts of details about his new life that you do not need to hear. And actually over time even if they believed stuff at the start people figure stuff out and aren't stupid. Also some people just don't have the emotional maturity to carry on both relationships in a split-and they pick. Which looks black and white to you as an outsider.

None of it change's anything.

Why don't you tell us all 3 nice things you are going to do for yourself this week?

perhaps it would be better for you to move out of that road, you could stay in the same area but get away from being on top of your ex mil and sil.

Good suggestion. Is that a possibility @Mollylegs ? Sending virtual hugs.

Your son is a young adult. Mine are mid 20’s but my counsellor said their relationship between their father and them is not my problem or my job to facilitate or not. I do find this hard I want my DCs to have a good relationship with their dad but only they can sort this all out.
Yes please tell us 3 things that a nice and that you are going to do for yourself this week.
I’ll start I’m going to the garden centre to buy some plants I’m very lucky I’ve bought my husband out everything is mine (originally I thought I’d have to sell my lovely home) so I’m busy making my garden look lovely buying perennials because I now know I’m going to be here to enjoy them.
OP do live you live in a city/town/village/back of the buying? Do you have lovely walks, or museums, or shops you can go to and do something for yourself? Try a new hobby surprise yourself do something you’ve never even thought about doing. I’ve taken a
up a new hobby I’m totally rubbish at it but I love it.
Last year when I was at a real low point a friend said “book yourself something you love doing soonish something thar you can really look forward to” I did and it was made such a difference to me.

I think you need to flip this on the head - you feel this way because you loved and cared for someone for 20 odd years - you are grieving for a loss of a family member and the future you imagined and that takes time. You are a kind person who cares about others. Be kind to yourself now and don't beat up on yourself - you just understandably need time.

This is so true even if your husband has been a total shit you loved and cared for him you are grieving for what you’ve lost and also the future you thought you had together. I found this particularly hard we are both heading for retirement I thought we would have a happy fulfilling retirement together. I genuinely thought we were both in love with each other and happy! It takes time dto come to terms with the fact that this was all an illusion that our relationship was not what I thought and hope it was on both sides. I used to look at photos of us together and think “we looked happy there, were we, was he pretending was I pretending? I now think it was a bit of both because human emotions are complex.
I don’t think I’ll stop loving my ex in some way but I now realise our relationship was very bad for me as a person everything was about him, I came far done his list of things that mattered to him, and it was therefore very unhealthy for me but that doesn’t mean that we didn’t have good times and I have two amazing DCs.

Hi @bloodyeffinnora unfortunately I can't afford to move.

Hi @juicelooseabootthishoose im afraid im slightly agoraphobic which doesn't help my situation. I can cook with my son, cuddle my dog and I can't think of a third sorry. x

Do you walk your dog? Can you and your son drive somewhere and go for a lovely walk.
Your 3rd could be watching a film with you son, how about something you both love or makes you laugh, I love the first Jonny English, the first version of death at a funeral, or how about the wonderful film Intouchables with the beautiful Omar Sy you’ll both cry and laugh out loud, or watch a film he loves and you’ve never seen then talk about how you felt about it or play a game with your son we’ve got tiddlywinks here we were all surprised how much fun it is😀.

I know how you feel OP, this happened to me. You are going through a grieving process and it took me quite a few years to feel ok again. Counselling helped a lot. My in-laws, initially very supportive, very suddenly cut me off after about five years. I was utterly devastated. It was like going through a bereavement. Now I see them all for what they are. And they've all lost out.

You will rebuild, you will find a way. It takes time and you can't rush it. One foot in front of the other

You are not being stupid at all. Your feelings are valid. Would you think someone was being stupid 20 months after their husband died? This is a type of grief.

Hugs .
You need to cut ties and move on . Change area , step away from those people . It’s never too late to make friends and start again .

Thanks @beardediris My son and I love watching waking the dead that was out years ago, we always watch an episode a day and we both love watching the football together. He's a good kid and cooking together is something new to us, I cremate everything so it normally tastes the same regardless hehe. x

Hello @TheFormidableMrsC thank you for your honest reply. I felt just as hurt by my inlaws as I did my husband, myself and MIL were very close and she was very quick(I mean weeks)to be having this other woman who was apparently brand new into there home for Sunday lunch, I felt devastated. My son goes to his grandmas for tea once a week that was initially to see his dad which rarely happened, I have never tried to put my son off from going to see them as he was used to seeing them daily, maybe if I had stopped him going I could understand their dislike towards me but I can't work out why and guess I never will. I could never understand why they just dropped me. My MIL came to house twice in the first 6 months and has never spoken to me since. x

Thank you @Whatifthehokeycokey I have never really looked at it that way xx

Hi @Anonymous2025 I'm afraid I can't afford to move and my sons life is here. He's just started a job and has been enjoying this last year after the shit show of the last 20 months. Thanks though.

Of course YANBU to still be upset about it. You were planning to be with this person forever and they have complete upended your whole life. And it sounds like you are in a very lonely situation. I'm sure you know your husband has been an absolute shit, but that doesn't stop you missing him and the life you thought you would have. You are grieving that. And on top of that the ILs have ditched you but you still live right on their doorstep. I know that hurts, but realistically that was always going to happen - that's their son/brother. They will side with him.

You mentioned counselling, which sounds like a good idea and I'm sure it will help you process your feelings. You need to start building a life for you now. Can you find some activities or clubs to join? Even if its just something. Maybe something you always wanted to try. Or a course to take. Something you are doing just for you. And as you start getting a bit more confidence you might start feeling able to get out and do more. Start small.

Hi @meganorks You're right, I feel very lonely and lost. I was thinking about doing an online course as I can't get out of the house. It's not very nice having my inlaws as close, I can look out of the window and see them but my boy has just started enjoying his life so I can't move yet and couldn't afford too. I don't have any friends as we were very insular, not my doing but I am suffering for it xx

An online course sounds great. And maybe there are other online clubs and activities that allow you to have contact with people without having to leave the house. Maybe start with joining FB groups for things you are interested in. Even if they don't lead to any socialising they might give you ideas for things you'd like to try.

I do think moving should be a longer term goal. You could move without having to 'move away'. Even moving half a mile away would probably do so much to improve your mental health. It will be harder to move on with your life while you have a constant reminder of the situation. And I'm willing to bet the unwillingness to leave the house will be at least in part because you don't want them to see you, to be wondering what you're up to, where your going etc.

You have been through a lot in the past two years. Your marriage of 20 years ended and your divorce is about to become final. Along with this you were very friendly with your mil and sil as your husband wanted to keep you at home. Because of this you may have lost some friends from the past and over time became reluctant to make friends.
Of course they have taken his side and have barely spoken to you since. Meanwhile you though you were happy and were planning what you do when you got to retirement age.

I think that you need to go to your GP and get a health check up and tell them how you feel. I think that you may be a bit depressed or even run down. Perhaps using some anti depressants or going on iron/vitamins tablets for a period of time could help you feel better.
I also think it a good idea that you redecorated your own bedroom. I know that your not keen in getting involved in online dating and that's your choice.

At the moment your living very close to your mil and your ex husband could be living with her.
I think this is not helping you. I know you said that you can't afford to move but have you gotten your home valued recently. I knew a lady in your situation and she got the family home. She lived in the house for a while and then sold the house to move to a smaller home
in the nearest town. She got involved in a few groups locally and built up a few new friendships. I would not discount moving to a new home either but I wait a while before making this decision.

Another thing to consider is that due to your marriage ending is that you won't end up caring for your ex husband like some woman I know. Nor will you be dealing with your ex mil as she gets older and could start needing care or be driven to place's. Your ex husband and sil can deal with all this in the future.

At this stage I start to make plans re groups or organisations that you can get involved with and then where you like to be in 6 or 12 months time. I know it won't be easy at 1st but you need to build up your own life and own friendships going forward.

@meganorks you might be right about me not wanting to go outside. I know I have done nothing wrong but she isn't the nicest person and I'm sure she would find something to pick on x

That sounds like an extra burden you don't really need right now. Maybe just have a look at options to move. I would take living somewhere smaller over living opposite my ex-ILs. Even if they were nice!

I also thought of this thread. Someone looking for hobbies. Obviously some of them might not be accessible to you. But there might be something in there that sparks your interest or reminds you of something you used to enjoy.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5028987-what-hobbies-do-you-do?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share