New Sister-in-Law’s effect on husband

[HoldenThorpe]

Never posted before. I want to know if I’m unreasonable.
Do you expect your husband to have a relationship with your family and accompany you to family events?
Everything blew up last night. My aunt has a charity thing every eighteen months or so and we always go to support it. We stay at an AirBnB and this year brother’s partner joined us and our two kids and my parents. When it came to getting ready to go to aunt’s event brother’s partner said she wasn’t going to the event but an art gallery nearby. Husband then piped up asking if he had to go. I was really annoyed and surprised. I insisted he came with us. I know my mother was annoyed by sister-in-law not coming but brother didn’t feel he could tell her what to do.
I obviously see my family on my own sometimes but if he hasn’t seen them for a couple of weeks I expect him to see them with me, maybe popping in after shopping or something.
I pop into see my in-laws on my own occasionally and I want to go with him to see them but now he works at home he pops in to see his parents during the day snd doesn’t see why I need to see his parents.
We’re happy together but he’s uninterested in my family. He never ever says anything against them or stops me from seeing them but if they’re at ours and he comes in he will shake hands with my dad/brother/brother-in-law then go into his office. He actually didn’t know my niece’s name.
Before anyone asks he isn’t an introvert or have any anxiety disorders etc.

I thought you were going to say DH has fallen for your sister-in-law.

YABU to force your DH to come with you. He doesn’t expect you to see his family so you shouldn’t expect him to see yours.

You sound quite controlling.

It sounds like he just finds them boring tbh. SIL didn’t have to go and he thought, “Wait, that’s an option?”

Clearly not 😆

I don’t think you sound controlling, you just want everyone to get along.

but brother didn’t feel he could tell her what to do.

You feel it is OK to tell your husband what to do though?

I guess as long as it's balanced, and you wouldn't mind if he told you what you were and were not allowed to do. I suspect this may not be the case though.

You’ve been assuming what ‘normal’ is, based on your family’s culture.
Assumed you’d both go to the fundraiser etc etc.

You need to start communicating more- asking him to come to support you because you’ll enjoy it more with him, for example.

It sounds as though your family culture is quite expectation or duty based, rather than people making individual decisions about what they want to do.

It isn’t right or wrong. Just different.

It sounds as though they do get along, but it seems the op wants her husband to have an emotional connection to her family that just isn't there. You can't force someone to feel for people the same way you do.

It sounds like you live near to both families, many don't and only see each other a few times a year, if that.
Expecting him to visit every couple of weeks is too much.

It does sound like you need to communicate better though and discuss your different ways of interacting with you family.

True.

I'm not sure why you're pinning this on your brother's partner, sounds like your husband is already disinterested in your family, and on this occasion just took his queue from her to try and get out of an event he doesn't want to attend anyway.
I don't think it should be compulsory to attend all family events. But on the other hand, going off to his office when your family visit is rude. Unless they come round all the time, in which case I can more understand it.

I wouldn't expect DH to come to a fundraiser for my aunt, but I would expect him to do more than shake hands with them before hiding away in his study while they came to visit.

Overall, I think YABU for "insisting" your DH does anything, though.

Unless there's a backstory (family treats DH with disdain, snubs him, etc), I'd expect my husband to attend most family functions with me, if he doesn't have conflicting plans. But it depends on how often your family has these gatherings, too. Once a month seems like more than enough, unless it's around Christmas, or there's a wedding or something unusual.

If it’s clear that it’s an occasional three-line whip family event then I do not think you are unreasonable at all to expect your dh to attend op, especially if it’s something that is important to you and your parents. He should want to support you. It was a bit immature of him to leap on to the bandwagon of your brother’s gf flaking out!

It’s an unfashionable view on Mumsnet, but part of marrying a person, imho, is showing support for your spouse’s family, except in the case of unreasonable or abusive behaviour of course, or at least wanting to support your spouse in supporting them!

The real issue here is that your dh has a different view of what constitutes family. Can you talk to him seriously about it when you are back at home? You are allowed to have differences in what is important to you both, but you both need to talk about it openly and both make compromises.

Maybe you could drop the expectation that your dh accompanies you on all the frequent visits to your family op, in return for the commitment that he shows up fully on three-line whip occasions like this charity event?

And equally, if he expects you to do something for him that you find tedious, not necessarily related to family visits but it could be, then you both need to compromise on that too.

You can’t force a relationship where there isn’t one; naturally if they don’t get on then it’s not going to change by forcing him to visit if anything it’s just making all visits more awkward if he’s literally hiding away?

I also don’t think it’s fair to pin it on your SIL, your husband clearly didn’t want to go but didn’t feel he could voice this to you. Made clearer when you then insisted he came.

Some families mix often together and enjoy each others company and some don’t feel the need to be always together. I’d just have an open conversation with your husband about where he stands, although it sounds like you might not like his answer.

I thinks I'd be miffed too OP. Sometimes in a relationship you do something for the other party that you don't want to do - you put their needs before yours.

So you wanted to support your aunt and it's important to you to show family unity. He doesn't want to go but has always gone.

I don't think him wanting to get out of an event is wrong. I don't think you wanting him to go is wrong. It's about compromise. Once every 18 months, fine. Once a month, I'd be a bit "mneh" about it too.

When you marry a person do you marry them or them and their family?

For you the answer is the person AND their family.
For your husband the answer is just the person.

Neither's wrong. But you're going to have to thrash out compromises. And so far it sounds like he's been compromising out of his comfort zone and new SIL modelled for him that he could push the boundary more.
I think you're going to have to rethink things OP. Your aunt's charity event is a stretch IMHO, if he's really not interested in it it should not be a big deal that he doesn't go.

I don’t think it’s normal to expect a partner to see your family if it’s only been a couple of weeks or so since the last did. However, if a specific event is planned then I would ask and hope DH would come along with me. It’s not for me to make him do anything though.

Don't think your DH has to see your family every couple of weeks

It sounds to me like you think families should play by your idea of normal.

You want him to see your family on a regularity that's appropriate to you.

You don't see why he's seeing his family without you because it means you're not amassing the appropriate number of visits.

They're nothing wrong with either of your viewpoints, they're just different.

Rather than expecting him to come along with you, talk to him beforehand and ask him if he'll come along because it's important to you rather than telling him he's coming along because he should.

With regard to him hm seeing his parents without you in the daytime - leave him to it, they're his parents. If you have a good relationship with them, pop in by yourself too.

How much does all these events cost to attend and can you afford it? Last type of charity event I went to was a dinner with an auction £150 a plate and expectation to BID! If its an event like that I can see his fatigue!

What do you mean hasn’t seen them for a couple of weeks? How often are you expecting him to see them?😱

The whole point of the trip was to go to the aunt's event. So yes, he should go, and his expectation when you put it in the diary was that he would go. Trying to get out of it when you were about to leave the accommodation for the event was unreasonable.

I insisted he came with us. I know my mother was annoyed by sister-in-law not coming but brother didn’t feel he could tell her what to do.

At least your family has one sensible non control freak.

You have no right to 'insist' another adult does anything they don't want to do.

Your mother has no right to be annoyed another adult has decided not to go to some even organised by her sister.

It all sounds so tense and miserable.

Also love the thread title, like it's the girlfriend's fault 🙄

My DH had the expectation that I will get involved in family events. I am not a social person and detested having to make small talk with strangers. Fair enough if it’s parents and siblings, but uncles and aunts as well seemed too much. So we had a compromise in the end that I only did about a third of all the family stuff.
I would have gone absolutely demented with your setup. Maybe give your DH more choice which events he attends. Also not everyone is thrilled with having people constantly drop by. These things should be a compromise so that everyone has a say in what they want to do.

Unless the aunt's event is mega important to you, I don't see him as being in the wrong.

He hasn't said anything against your family, just (probably) finds these get togethers a bit dull.