New Sister-in-Law’s effect on husband

[HoldenThorpe]

Never posted before. I want to know if I’m unreasonable.
Do you expect your husband to have a relationship with your family and accompany you to family events?
Everything blew up last night. My aunt has a charity thing every eighteen months or so and we always go to support it. We stay at an AirBnB and this year brother’s partner joined us and our two kids and my parents. When it came to getting ready to go to aunt’s event brother’s partner said she wasn’t going to the event but an art gallery nearby. Husband then piped up asking if he had to go. I was really annoyed and surprised. I insisted he came with us. I know my mother was annoyed by sister-in-law not coming but brother didn’t feel he could tell her what to do.
I obviously see my family on my own sometimes but if he hasn’t seen them for a couple of weeks I expect him to see them with me, maybe popping in after shopping or something.
I pop into see my in-laws on my own occasionally and I want to go with him to see them but now he works at home he pops in to see his parents during the day snd doesn’t see why I need to see his parents.
We’re happy together but he’s uninterested in my family. He never ever says anything against them or stops me from seeing them but if they’re at ours and he comes in he will shake hands with my dad/brother/brother-in-law then go into his office. He actually didn’t know my niece’s name.
Before anyone asks he isn’t an introvert or have any anxiety disorders etc.

Why no go to aunts thing for a short time then go to the gallery ?
Hailing that then sorry but they're adults.
You sound very bizarre expecting you DH to visit your parents at time points you see fit - this would piss me off if it was my DH telling this to me

I'm kinda with you op in that o consider DHS family - certainly his parents - my family and I'd be unimpressed if he didn't know something as simple as the names of my siblings kids. However it seems like you've always just worked to your expectations and he's never really had a say.

I personally think spouse should show up to majority events and occationally suffer through an additional dinner (assuming they can muster up a smile and wont ruin it). They don't need to come to a weekly Sunday lunch or attend every single nibling birthday. Of he was committed to this charity event he should respect it and then consider next time if it is a 'major' event.

My bf is different to me. He feels all my family events are optional and it does cause a bit of conflict and we're trying to navigate it. I mainly go alone.Our families are very different and hile has no sense of duty to show up. Where are I've been raised very much in 'you show up for family and friends' mentality.

I once non-purposefully caused a mass exodus from an in laws Christmas party.

Husband and I arrived together, but he was travelling for work from a nearby station after the party. These parties usually go on for what I consider to be a very unreasonable 12pm-6pm.

Since I didn't have to drive my husband back, I seized the opportunity to make a polite excuse (truth was I was going home to binge on Netflix, write Christmas cards and generally not spend a whole six hours being asked when I was having children). I said my farewells at 3pm, and was promptly followed by half a dozen other guests who took my departure as a cue to leave.

By the time 4.30 had rolled around, most of the other guests had followed suit.

Husband was mildly narked at me for "spoiling the party", but if 20/25 guests had voluntarily skipped 25-50% of the party then it's a sign the party is too bloody long!

Yuck, sounds controlling to me.Your husband is married to you, not your family. He's also an independent person who has the right to chose to spend his time the way he wants to.

I don't go to many family gatherings because tbh with you I dislike my SO's family. They are boring, overbearing, controlling and I get 0 out of seeing them, and trust me, I've tried really hard to 'get alonf' with them. I usually end up feeling depleted, angry or a combination of both after seeing them, so what's the point? My time is too precious to be spending it with people I do not like. However, I have always been 'there' to help in case of a family emergency. I just don't feel the need to have a close relationship t
with them.

If my SO expected me to have a close relationship with his family, I'd feel really suffocated. You can't make anyone do anything, it'll only brewed resentment.

It seems like you value 'family time' and being 'close' more than he does - and that's ok. He's not forbidding you to see your family but you have no right to force him to see to yours.

Good to see the new SIL putting her foot down and starting as she means to go on.

The OP's husband is probably in awe of her and wishes he'd done the same.

YABU for calling her your SIL when they are not married. It's confusing to people reading the thread. She is his GF, not wife

So you have been conditioned/guilt tripped to do things you don't want just because it's family and think it's reasonable to ask your SO to do the same? Life is too short (and too full of too many other things we don't want to do that we have to do such as work) to feel obliged to go to something that gives us no joy. If your BF genuinely enjoyed going to these gatherings, I'm sure he would. Perhaps you just need to accept that he doesn't. As long as he enjoys spending time with you, I don't see what the problem is. But if you feel really strongly about this and it's an expectation, perhaps you're not compatible.

You go to a fundraiser for the same person every 18 months?

I’d be trying to get out of that too.

I missed this on first reading 😬

I don't even see my own parents that often - I certainly wouldn't expect DH to! Admittedly we do see his dad more but he's older, only lives round the corner and is recently widowed so it's a very different set of circumstances.

It's not to raise money for that person. Presumably it's something that the aunt runs to raise funds for a charity. I'd absolutely expect to support a family member in that kind of situation, when it's only once every 18 months.

Good for you. I’d not want to, so I’d expect to not be told to go by my DH, just because it’s his aunt.

It's just a family culture difference isn't it. My family are more like yours. My DH's are more like the ones who can do what they want. I think it's nicer to be an in-law in the second type of family to be perfectly honest with you.

He goes the fundraiser every 18 months and he asks once to not go and you start a thread about him 🤦🏼‍♀️ Poor guy! No I wouldn’t expect my husband to go to every event. I’m a grown up and quite happy being with my family at an event on my own.

Nope. I knew this was going to be the reading. I just personally think that if it is my grandmother's 90th birthday or my best friends wedding I don't even have to think if it's my vibe. They are important people to me and it is an important event to them then I will show up. I don't even stop to think if I actually want to. I automatically do want to show up for people I care about. Maybe it is conditioning and decades of guilt tripping as it is put. I wouldn't call it that. I do appreciate that my loved ones show up for me. And yes. I sometimes expect my bf to show up for my family aswell and hold myself for the same standard with his side. And yes, of course this is all part of the compatibility discussions we are having and the compromises that we expect from each other.

Had he asked not to go earlier on, when the visit and accommodation was being arranged, fine. But they were already in the location, at the accommodation, and getting ready to leave for the event! That was just rude and unkind.

I'm so glad that my late husband and I supported each other in our contact with our in-laws, and our attitude that we're all family.
Following his death, his family have been a huge emotional and loving support to me. Putting in that time and interest in them (and them doing the same for me) over all those years, has reaped unforeseen rewards.

I started reading and thought you were building up to say that your aunt caught them at it in a quiet corner of the art exhibition. But disappointed to be honest.

That's great that you and your late husband's family had a connection and got along well. Not everyone is like that and there are many families who are frankly, unbearable.

Same! I was expecting this to be about limerence for her!

Not sure why you are blaming your SIL here.

it’s nice to go to some family get together as but I would never expect to spend all of them together.

if it’s not someone’s thing why would you force them to be there. My partners family will often go and watch the football together I am not fussed about it so will often treat myself to a film instead.

I think you’re being unreasonable to want him at the “charity thing” just because it’s some kind of family expectation. If he doesn’t enjoy it it must be tedious spending time there.
But I do think it’s very rude of him just to shake hands when your family come round and retreat to his man-cave. Surely 30 minutes chatting isn’t too much.
That said, it sounds like he and you have different ideas of what relationships with the wider family should look like. Without knowing you all, it’s hard to judge whether he’s being unusually insular or your family is a bit overwhelming with expectations of constant socialising. And we don’t know how loud and full-on they are. They might be perfectly reasonable and lovely, they might be the kind of loud, braying, overly jolly people that most people wouldn’t much like.

If my dh travelled with me with the expectation we would attend a specific event together then I would expect him to go and not bow out.

Other things like popping in to see my family, nah my dh is not that interested. Yesterday me and dc visited my two sisters and then my parents. My dh would prefer to stay at home and do jobs. He does go away with my family and friends at least 3 times a year for abroad holidays and weekends. I just pick my battles.

I think you just have different expectations, neither is wrong..
My husband and I give each other a free pass for all family events.. Unless it's something really important we say we want the other person there but apart from that there is no obligation on us to go to in law events..
Similarly, if they come to our house the other person doesn't have to stay and chat if they're not in the mood..
Part of this comes from the fact our families are very different and it's hard for us sometimes to be with them, it works for us!

Oh God no, I couldn't be bothered being harangued to spend time anywhere or do anything because my DH has chosen to do it with his family.