New Sister-in-Law’s effect on husband

[HoldenThorpe]

Never posted before. I want to know if I’m unreasonable.
Do you expect your husband to have a relationship with your family and accompany you to family events?
Everything blew up last night. My aunt has a charity thing every eighteen months or so and we always go to support it. We stay at an AirBnB and this year brother’s partner joined us and our two kids and my parents. When it came to getting ready to go to aunt’s event brother’s partner said she wasn’t going to the event but an art gallery nearby. Husband then piped up asking if he had to go. I was really annoyed and surprised. I insisted he came with us. I know my mother was annoyed by sister-in-law not coming but brother didn’t feel he could tell her what to do.
I obviously see my family on my own sometimes but if he hasn’t seen them for a couple of weeks I expect him to see them with me, maybe popping in after shopping or something.
I pop into see my in-laws on my own occasionally and I want to go with him to see them but now he works at home he pops in to see his parents during the day snd doesn’t see why I need to see his parents.
We’re happy together but he’s uninterested in my family. He never ever says anything against them or stops me from seeing them but if they’re at ours and he comes in he will shake hands with my dad/brother/brother-in-law then go into his office. He actually didn’t know my niece’s name.
Before anyone asks he isn’t an introvert or have any anxiety disorders etc.

if he hasn’t seen them for a couple of weeks I expect him to see them with me, maybe popping in after shopping or something.

You expect him to see your family at least once a fortnight. Why? Why can't he just see them as much or as little as he wants?

I don't see my own family every couple of weeks let alone expect dh to! I'm still resentful that i had to entertain his dad so much when i was on mat leave once upon a time. My assorted family live about 20 minutes drive away. Dh does Xmas visiting and would always do an event. But just visiting for a chat etc? No.

DH and I have an agreement that for the birthday parties (and any weddings) of our respective family members we always attend together. Otherwise we just let the other decide whether they want to come along or not.

What on earth are you on about with that title?

I think I like the new addition to your family, although for her sake I am not sure I hopes shes a permanent addition!.
I remember when me and DH hadnt been together long and we were visiting his family (there were Aunties, uncles, Grandparents and various othere) and MIL announced a walk. I said "no thanks, I will chill out here with my book" and there was stunned silence due tot he fact that someone was having an independent thought.
Luckily they eventually got used to my "strange ways".
You sound pretty enmeshed with your family and if everyone is happy with that then its fine but you all need to realise that anyone who marries in might not feel the same

I would expect my DH to attend important family occasions and likewise he'd be pissed off if I refused to attend his. I'd also expect him to come along to the odd Sunday/pub lunch. I think this is perfectly normal.

I wouldn't expect him to attend something that was perhaps really niche (I can't think of an example right now) and he wouldn't expect me to watch the FA Cup final with his brother and dad. I hate football.

As for him popping into your parents once a forthnight, no, that shouldn't be expected at all.

If my dh couldn’t;t even be bothered enough to know the names of my nieces and nephews, then yes, I would be very upset.

big family events, absolutely everyone has to make an appearance.

random day to day stuff, not so much.

obviously all assuming no abuse/poor behaviour etc.

Yanbu to expect your h to attend some family functions together but I completely disagree that 2 weeks is a long time not to have seen your parents.

It sounds like you and him completely disagree on the role of extended family. You want him to put in the same effort that you do towards his family but he sees your family as yours and his as his so isn’t bothered by the effort that you invest into your ILs. You want to impose your family norms (seeing each others parents at least once a fortnight ) when his family norms are different.

His reaction that finding out that attendance wasn’t mandatory sounds a little juvenile but maybe it’s time to discuss a compromise amount of contact. For example you might say that the aunt’s party is non-negotiable but allow him to be excused from other gatherings

You mention your mum’s reactions to SIL’s non-attendance. Is that what drives you to make your h see your family at least once a fortnight ?

If my dh couldn’t;t even be bothered enough to know the names of my nieces and nephews, then yes, I would be very upset.

I mean, DH has about 20 nieces and nephews and I doubt he could name them all lol. And there's certainly no way I could - at least, not without sitting and writing them all down, and even then I'd need prompting. I'd also definitely get a few mixed up between families and I know I'd get nieces/grand-nieces names mixed up too.

It's not because I'm not bothered, it's because we're just not a close family and there's no reason for me to be able to name them all.

Double post.

It has literally nothing to do with your new SIL, OP.

‘ your niece’ - also your husband’s niece if you’re married surely? Is he that disinterested in your family? That’s the issue.

She is not your SIL. She is brother's new gf.

What's the event? Charity ball or bingo night or school fair. Depending on the event is he really needed?

As someone else said with GF opting out he hadn't realised until now that could be an option.

He sees your family a lot (maybe too much). Perhaps if you scaled it back he wouldn't want to duck out of an event that his non SIL showed could be done.

Your husband didn't want to see your family so you are blaming your brothers new girlfriend? No wonder she didn't want to spend a day hanging out with you