Have I just been dumped before we even began ??

[utsjustnavy]

Chatting to a man for last week. Met twice and got on great. Shared a kiss. Went for dinner earlier . Great evening and great company. Things got steamy. We kissed etc and chatted. He shared his fantasy of another in the bedroom .. a female... in context of conversation..

when I challenged him on this and said well how do you feel about a male , he said no problem as long as he didn't have to be intimate with him etc. yet he had hoped I'd be interested in a female ..
I said I had no interest in that really but especially if he had no interest in doing the same either .

That was that.
We had kisses and fun but nothing heavy .

I text to thank him for a lovely evening and also said that as his fantasies wouldn't t be realised by me , if he wanted to let things go, that was perfectly fine.
He replied saying the pleasure was all his and we' ll keep in touch ( we're both busy for the next few weekends )
I answered with take care and he said .. you too...
have I just been dumped here ???

You had a lucky escape!

I think you just dumped him, did you not, by being perfectly clear you are not there to indulge his fantasies. You did the right thing.

Well, what do you think?

The fact he raised it so soon is rather telling. Probably the tip of the iceberg.

For someone so not bothered, you do seem bothered.

FGS the posts on here.

Discussing a fantasy in a conversation where it has been brought up by a potential sexual partner is not creepy.

Once I said to him in person, that it would never happen with me, he immediately said that he respected that and it would never be brought up again.

He does not sound awful, a sleazeball, or a player to me.

OP, if you want to see him again you need to tell him. Ask him for a coffee. If you don't want to see him again, make it clear.

I don’t get it.

you had you ‘hoped’ that he would text to suggesting to ‘see where it goes’?

The man who is clearly using OLD to forge himself a threesome?

why?

@Flickersy

You really don't think him telling her he wants threesome is creepy? He's literally just scoping out women who will indulge his threesome fantasy. You have a very low bar if you think it's not weird.

your post would be somewhat valid if they met on a hook up site and were laying down boundaries

but that isn’t the case at all

a man who is bringing up shagging another woman with you ON A FIRST DATE where normal people are discussing their paddleboarding holidays or how much they like South Indian cooking- is a sleazeball

You've said your boundary is light but exclusive.

He's keeping it light.

He mentioned his fantasy, not your thing, and said he won't bring it up again.

I think you need to wait and see and communicate in your usual way. It's unclear that this is a brush off.

Then why isn't OP creepy for asking him about a threesome with a man?

I repeat: discussing fantasies with a potential sexual partner in the context of a conversation where that partner has brought it up is not creepy. It's seeing whether you might be compatible.

They were on a third date...

@NavyPeer no... I wanted a more specific response from him and I posted here just to ask if it seemed he had dumped me because I laid down that marker.

He's married and hoping you would be the third!

Ok . He's not married. That's for sure.

Sounds like he's looking for someone for a threesome. Your messages sound like you dumped him, not the other way round. Making it clear youre not into his fantasy and that its perfectly ok if he doesn't want to continue meeting up - sounds like he's taking you at your word.

If that wasn't what you meant, and you still wanted to see him even if he accepts you don't want a threesome, then you should have said that.

I think in terms of kinks, a no strings attached threesome is pretty tame. He's been upfront, he's accepted her no, hasn't tried to pressurise her - can't really see what he's done wrong. Lots of people do use OLD to find casual sex. Just because i personally wouldn't have a threesome it doesn't make a fully consensual, no strings attached threesome a bad thing.

He told you who he was and what he was looking for. You told him this wasn't what you wanted. He's (politely and kindly) drawn things to a close.

He thought you were meeting as shag buddies, you thought you were meeting for a potential relationship. When he’s realised that you gave him an out and he took it. Seems pretty straightforward.

Not sure why you care, clearly you’re both looking for different things.

If trying a threesome is important to him, surely it's better to find out early on, before you're too involved. It's just part of finding out if you're compatible or not. It's the sort of thing I would want to find out early on, because I don't want to end up with someone who isn't into the same things I am. And finding out if you're compatible is the point of dating.

If you're still keen ask him for another date. Otherwise, block him. Most of them will get back in touch otherwise, probably months down the line, when they're drunk and horny. I usually find this amusing, but many don't, and blocking prevents it.

I did mean exactly what I said to him .. I gave him an out .
My post was whether you thought he took it and ended things politely or whether my message to him was finishing the contact, also politely.

Doesn’t sound like you’ve been dumped. Which is kind of a shame as personally I wouldn’t want to see him again after the threesome chat and his attitude.

What was the basis of the convo, titillation about abstract fantasies before sleeping together and he didn't really expect it to happen or a heads up that he was really in the market for that?

It's a funny one in that it's a totally bog standard male fantasy, unimaginative even, but I suppose becomes rather niche if they're expecting to find a female romantic partner equally and seriously keen on the idea (unless you're on specialist sites). A third party is a knotty proposition.

So in person, you shut it down and he agreed to let it go.

You then raised it again post date. I think there was a reason for that and you weren't feeling fully comfortable.

I would say it was a mutual dropping the rope, rather than you being dumped.

There is bugger all point asking us, OP. It's him you need to talk to.

Why does it matter who dumped who?

Because that's literally what op asked about.

I mean, I’m fairness to this bloke (who would also very much not be to my taste) at least he was upfront about what he wants.

I’d think a lot worse of him if he had slept with the OP and allowed their relationship to develop further before springing the threesome idea on her.

At least she gets to walk away now without wasting any time or feeling manipulated.

He was upfront from day one about sex. As was I. He then proceeded to tell me that he'd never had a threesome and would love one ... but not with a man. He has quite a few kinks. Nothing major but I think there was a lot of ' talk' and judging by his selfishness when we were having some light fun after the date , I'm
Pretty sure he's low in 'action'.
In fact I think a lot of his sexual prowess and talk, is just that.
I'm pretty sure in retrospect that he would have been selfish and mildly pushy in bed.
I do think as one poster said, that he thought we were going to have some serious fun last night because , while he didn't push it , he said at the end that he was glad that we didn't actually have sex or even get close to it as it would have been too rushed.
It seems he was full of shit actually.
Yes, he was in it for the hook up and I was in it for a light and uncomplicated relationship.
I know that asking ' who dumped who?' Is a moot point but his responses were very vague I thought .