Have I just been dumped before we even began ??

[utsjustnavy]

Chatting to a man for last week. Met twice and got on great. Shared a kiss. Went for dinner earlier . Great evening and great company. Things got steamy. We kissed etc and chatted. He shared his fantasy of another in the bedroom .. a female... in context of conversation..

when I challenged him on this and said well how do you feel about a male , he said no problem as long as he didn't have to be intimate with him etc. yet he had hoped I'd be interested in a female ..
I said I had no interest in that really but especially if he had no interest in doing the same either .

That was that.
We had kisses and fun but nothing heavy .

I text to thank him for a lovely evening and also said that as his fantasies wouldn't t be realised by me , if he wanted to let things go, that was perfectly fine.
He replied saying the pleasure was all his and we' ll keep in touch ( we're both busy for the next few weekends )
I answered with take care and he said .. you too...
have I just been dumped here ???

I think you should review your conversation. It seems to me that you, very nicely, dumped him in that 'it's not you, it's me' sort of way.

Which was the right thing to do. Once a man brings up the subject of threesomes, they very rarely let it go. It always seems to creep back into conversations now and again. Very tiresome to keep having to justify saying no over and over.

How is not being up for threesomes "not being that into him"?

I think OP has had a lucky escape.

That's not what I said.

It's the 'it's totally fine if you aren't interested' that gives off the 'I'm not that into you' vibe. That would be the case regardless of the reason behind it. That came from the op, not the guy.

I agree that he doesn't sound like someone op should want to be with anyway - but that wasn't the question that was asked.

I see, I misunderstood you.

Dear god, I’d be thankful I’d been dumped (if that’s the case) very early on, he’s an utter creep and certainly not someone who has any respect for you. He’s clearly indicated what he’s after and it’s not you as a person, just an available sex object.
🤮

What a lucky escape.

So at what point is it OK to raise the topic of a threesome? Or indeed any other kink?

Never, in my book!

I’m doing it right then!

Surely when you know someone a little better, have had sex with them and can talk about what you enjoy in context

Obviously if you're hard core S & M (or hardcore anything sexual) I'm assuming that you'd date from a particular 'pool'

There wouldn't be much point dating me, for example 🙄 or anyone who isn't into hard core kinks

I seem to have used the phrase 'hard core' way too much

Apologies 🤪

Why are you hung up on a stranger who clearly had no real interest in you, but was clearly lining you up for a threesome?

Some men do use OLD as free prostitution, and some
with kinks or fantasies they never got to play out will literally groom the women they meet into perform whatever fetish they are into.

don’t be naive.

Because he had no initial interest in a twosome with OP

by date 3 he would have suggested that they looked for their unicorn 🥱

@utsjustnavy it depends to me on the context of your dating. Was it say a match on Feeld where the expectation is mostly sex and people tend to talk about kinks early on as well it’s basically a bit of a hook up site. Then I don’t think it is odd you talking fantasies so early on and that you can’t meet his fantasy likely “dumped” If it was a more typical date with a view to go to LTR then it seems early for him to bring it up and you’ve escaped.

Creepy man grossed you out, you stated a boundary, and now you're worried he's dumped you? He's not the last man on earth and sounds distinctly unappealing.

I had told him from the beginning that I wanted something light but exclusive , that my downtime was limited so it couldn't be a conventional , typical relationship. He said he wanted the same.
By laying down that boundary , It wasn't my intention to dump him but to see f his fantasy was just that or was he determined to act on it .
Once I said to him in person, that it would never happen with me, he immediately said that he respected that and it would never be brought up again.
Then when I text to say thanks etc and gave him an out, I didn't know if his response was dumping me or what?
I'm absolutely not worried .
I had hoped rather that he would respond differently ie yes, lets leave it or no , I'd like us to see where this goes etc.
The response being ... the pleasure was all mine and then ... let's keep in touch seemed ambiguous to me. Still does tbh.

Given that was the only thing that seemed to do the trick for him it should've been on his profile. Of course he wouldn't put it on there because very few would date him.

He sounds grim. Threesome chat on a third date - 🤢 I’m glad I’m married to a vanilla man if this is what’s out there.
Let him have his fantasies with someone else!

For someone who wants something light - you're very intense, overthinking it all and quite hard work it ses to me

If you're still keen after everything that was said, don't give him an 'out'

It's passive aggressive

Yes you have. And you should be grateful! He sounds awful.

Sounds like you wanted validation that of course he still wanted you.

You've done yourself a favour by telling how you felt and I hope you can see that. Maybe think about why you want someone who isn't right for you to want you.

Atleast he brought it up before you slept together. I'd have been really pissed off if I slept with someone who ultimately then told me he wanted threesomes. I think he's done you a favour

I think it depends on the circumstances in which you met and the intentions of the dates... are you dating to find a long term relationship or for sex? Did you find each other on Feeld or Hinge? There's a lot more in it imo.

I wasn't looking for validation whatsoever .. I wanted to ascertain whether this fantasy was just that or did he expect to fulfil it in the future.

Depends on whether it’s a dealbreaker for you. If it is, ok to mention on the first date but you need to expect large numbers of people won’t want to continue (the point of mentioning it early is to weed those people out).

If it isn’t a dealbreaker, mentioning on the first date looks a lot less like “I’m into you and btw this is a fantasy I have” and a lot more like “this date is just a cover for me to find a threesome partner for me and my not-previously-mentioned wife”

This!! Creep.