MIL, pregnancy and wanting NC

[wishuponastarrr1]

So, this is a long one so will try to summarise as best as I can

• I have been with my husband for 10+ years and I was very close to my future MIL, we had what both DH & I thought was a lovely bond.
• We became engaged after 7 years and married shortly after. From the day after we announced said engagement, she completely changed.
• Lots of negative things were said to me including about any future family we would have such as "I don't want children running around my house" and "well you can bugger off with your baby" baring in mind my SIL had just become pregnant and she was thrilled.
• My DH & I wanted to get married alone, I thought her behaviour was due to feeling put out so I arranged a small wedding- wasn't good enough and no real interest/effort put into it at all despite encouragement.
• This led to massive arguments before our wedding and caused my DH such incredible stress that afterwards he ended up having a breakdown (ruined our honeymoon)
• I became deeply depressed by the situation (this is just the very outline) and tried to end my life. There were lots of other factors that has caused me stress in the previous year and coming off hormonal BC also did not help.
• I then went NC with them from hospital. They then went NC with my husband but then tried to take that back. Not once did they ask DH how he was considering he nearly lost his DW.
• I got better, our marriage was stronger than ever and NC was great for me.
• I then became pregnant and of course, my DH hoped this would be something that may mend the relationship with his parents etc
• Neither MIL or FIL ever asked how I or the baby were doing.
• I felt as though I owe my DC the opportunity to have a relationship with their GP. I personally had amazing relationships with all of mine and I wanted to give them that chance.
• We arranged to meet but then I found out that whilst I was heavily pregnant she had decided to visit SIL 8k miles away and also to bring back SIL whilst I could well give birth. SIL bringing DN who is a baby himself. But not wanting to make effort to meet with us considering I can't be far from the hospital at that point in my pregnancy.
• I cancelled the meeting with MIL and she sent gifts upon gifts upon gifts for the baby which for some reason made me sad & angry but I could also see how she had picked things she KNEW I would love.
• I also invited her to my baby shower as an olive branch, didn't attend but can travel 8k miles for SIL.
• I have not had the easiest of childhoods or relationships with my own mother. I acknowledge this can play a part in my feelings.
• I always imagined she would be an amazing Grandma and support to me too. I would go as far as to say 3 years ago I would have had her in the delivery room.
• Other issue is FIL has disowned DH because he upset MIL by telling her to truth and protecting me. So I have no idea how we navigate any relationship even if I found the strength to try
• I just want to enjoy the family I make with my DH. I never ever thought I'd be lucky to live the life I do now.
• I don't want them ruining the birth of my 1st child, like they did my wedding.
• I also would like to reconcile for the sake of the baby.
• There are lots and lots of things that have been said and done on their part that would be far too outing to post. But it's been bad.

Should I remain LC/NC or try?

If they were bad enough for you to go NC then why would you want them to be involved with your DC? Maintain NC for the sake of your health, marriage and DC.

You are at your most vulnerable when you've given birth. Your relationship is put under stress by a newborn/recovery. Personally I'd keep them at arms length until a few months in. I had to go NC with my Mother to protect my MH. She was invited down when the baby was weeks old, flying visit, then vlc.

Births, Marriages & Deaths seem to bring out the best and worst in people.

My MIL became hostile the moment I gave birth. It seemed to trigger something in her and I’d love to go NC!

For your own sanity, it would be worth remaining low contact during your pregnancy & postpartum period. You’ll be at your most vulnerable and you don’t want to risk your mental well-being. You can readdress when you start feeling yourself again

I'd go completely NC at this point.

I don’t understand why people go NC and then expect the person has changed so start contact up again. Go back to NC and live happily.

Exactly.
I'm NC with my sisters and I've never felt so much peace.

I think you have too high expectations.

You'd made arrangements to meet while pregnant, which sounded like a great opportunity, but cancelled when you heard she'd dared to go and visit her own Daughter and Grandson?

You sound as bad as each other. You can't punish her for choosing to see her own family!!

This. Also, there seems to be surprise when the other party isn't particularly interested in resuming contact. It's as if there's some satisfaction in imagining that people are bereft because you no longer want them in your life, and subsequently there's disappointment when the realization hits that they don't miss you.

While I suspect most of these posts are exaggerated (the "offending" party inevitably sounds like a cartoon villain 🙄), it's also probably true that low or no contact is necessary in some relationships. If it's working for you then why rock the boat?

It's not the fact she went at all. She had already been 3 months previously and the 2nd trup was around when I was due to give birth. My issue was with the when on the 2nd visit. Her daughter treats her terribly anyway. It just sets a precedent on her already having favourites.

stop comparing yourself to SIL. SIL (am assuming is your DH sister) is your MILs actual daughter. Of course she puts her over you.

Stay NC. It doesn't matter that you think you are depriving your DC of a GP relationship, you don't like your MIL, you are jealous of the attention she gives to her own daughter. Your DH doesn't seem keen for a relationship.

Quite honestly... Because it hurts my DH. I am very happily NC with my own biological father for 10+ years. But thus situation doesn't just include my feelings unfortunately otherwise I would have gone NC 2+ years ago when all the nastiness started.

you're being a bit daft, tbh. Just ignore her.

• We arranged to meet but then I found out that whilst I was heavily pregnant she had decided to visit SIL 8k miles away and also to bring back SIL whilst I could well give birth. SIL bringing DN who is a baby himself. But not wanting to make effort to meet with us considering I can't be far from the hospital at that point in my pregnancy.

I'm a bit confused. Weren't you NC with her at this time?

Honestly, as someone with in-laws who sound just like yours… stay NC. We ended up NC when DS was 11 months old. The fact that we entertained them during pregnancy/birth/when DS was small is one of my only regrets in life.

I can understand DH hoping it’d bring reconciliation, I think my DH still hopes there will be one one day… but he also knows there probably won’t be, and he’s with me on that.

Your situation has tidied up. Leave it as it is. Your baby will be fine. I sometimes feel guilty about mine not having GPs, but he’s absolutely fine. Plenty of people love him and he doesn’t know what he’s missing. The same will be true for yours.

She isn’t going to change, and THAT will be the thing that hurts DH

Contact or NC isn’t going to make much difference, so you may as well stay NC

You went NC with your inlaws and your dad?

She met with my husband around Xmas. She gave an olive branch to do with the baby, I thanked her and she asked if we could meet. So I briefly did break the NC after 6 months.

I went no contact with my dad because he abused me my whole childhood.

Thank you for this. In my heart I know I should remain NC but it is just upsetting at times that it has come to this.

To be honest, I'd just leave contact to your husband.

It's probably easier all round and he can facilitate contact with the DC.

I think you and your husband just need to decide if being in touch with them is worth the drama and pain and it very much sounds like iike it isn't.

Don't saddle your child with dealing with the same bullshit. No grandparents is better than toxic grandparents.

Your husband had a breakdown on Honeymoon, because his mum wasn’t “Interested enough” in your wedding ?

You then attempted suicide, as they weren’t interested enough in your wedding ?

You then went NC, but got annoyed that they
didn’t ask about you (when you had gone NC with them)

You are holding your own relationship with your GP as a benchmark of what this relationship should be like … but they aren’t your grandparents, they are different people.

You got annoyed she visited her daughter … just in case you gave birth.

You cancelled seeing her, because she had been to see her daughter, then, got annoyed that she sent you nice gifts (the bitch)

You got annoyed she didn’t come to your baby shower, after you had previously gone NC, and cancelled a meeting with her.

What was this “truth” your husband said about his mother (because, tbh, I can’t see she’s done much wrong here.

I think your expectations are too high, they a low level engagement Grandparents, not everyone is about taking the GC to petting zoo’s and play parks.

We arranged to meet but then I found out that whilst I was heavily pregnant she had decided to visit SIL 8k miles away and also to bring back SIL whilst I could well give birth. SIL bringing DN who is a baby himself. But not wanting to make effort to meet with us considering I can't be far from the hospital at that point in my pregnancy.

I cancelled the meeting with MIL and she sent gifts upon gifts upon gifts for the baby which for some reason made me sad & angry but I could also see how she had picked things she KNEW I would love.

I also invited her to my baby shower as an olive branch, didn't attend but can travel 8k miles for SIL.

I'm with you for most of it apart from the ones above. It sounds like SIL is her daughter? What's wrong with her going to see her daughter and bringing her back around your due date?

You cancelled the meeting (it sounds like because she went to see SIL?) so maybe she thought that she wouldn't be welcome at the baby shower. If I were her I am not sure I'd be going either mainly because you two don't have a great relationship.

I think if you really do want to work on things then do it slower.

You need to decide whether or not you want a relationship with her and stick to it. It sounds like it keeps on going from contact to no contact and back again and that's going to be confusing for everyone, it's far too much drama.

Agreed there's way too much drama here and I don't think the MIL is to blame for all of it.

That's why I think it would be easier if the OP just let her DH get on with it.

You really haven't read my post properly. After 1+ year prior to our wedding of constant mistreatment of us both (too outing and long to post on the thread) and the strain it put on our relationship and falling out with them just before wedding did cause us both stress. I did ALSO say I had other things going on in my life and had come off BC which affected me greatly.

Invited her to the baby shower before cancelling any meeting.

Did not cancel because she saw my SIL. I cancelled because she had 8 other months to do so. And after all the games she has played with me, especially around my SIL it was just another kick in the teeth.

Not annoyed at the gifts. Annoyed that's all she had to offer is material stuff AS PER USUAL.

I know it is hard to get full picture over a thread. But she has done some awful stuff to us! Really nasty.

Not annoyed they didn't ask after me in the slightest. Annoyed they didn't care about the welfare of their son or grandchild.