MIL, pregnancy and wanting NC

[wishuponastarrr1]

So, this is a long one so will try to summarise as best as I can

• I have been with my husband for 10+ years and I was very close to my future MIL, we had what both DH & I thought was a lovely bond.
• We became engaged after 7 years and married shortly after. From the day after we announced said engagement, she completely changed.
• Lots of negative things were said to me including about any future family we would have such as "I don't want children running around my house" and "well you can bugger off with your baby" baring in mind my SIL had just become pregnant and she was thrilled.
• My DH & I wanted to get married alone, I thought her behaviour was due to feeling put out so I arranged a small wedding- wasn't good enough and no real interest/effort put into it at all despite encouragement.
• This led to massive arguments before our wedding and caused my DH such incredible stress that afterwards he ended up having a breakdown (ruined our honeymoon)
• I became deeply depressed by the situation (this is just the very outline) and tried to end my life. There were lots of other factors that has caused me stress in the previous year and coming off hormonal BC also did not help.
• I then went NC with them from hospital. They then went NC with my husband but then tried to take that back. Not once did they ask DH how he was considering he nearly lost his DW.
• I got better, our marriage was stronger than ever and NC was great for me.
• I then became pregnant and of course, my DH hoped this would be something that may mend the relationship with his parents etc
• Neither MIL or FIL ever asked how I or the baby were doing.
• I felt as though I owe my DC the opportunity to have a relationship with their GP. I personally had amazing relationships with all of mine and I wanted to give them that chance.
• We arranged to meet but then I found out that whilst I was heavily pregnant she had decided to visit SIL 8k miles away and also to bring back SIL whilst I could well give birth. SIL bringing DN who is a baby himself. But not wanting to make effort to meet with us considering I can't be far from the hospital at that point in my pregnancy.
• I cancelled the meeting with MIL and she sent gifts upon gifts upon gifts for the baby which for some reason made me sad & angry but I could also see how she had picked things she KNEW I would love.
• I also invited her to my baby shower as an olive branch, didn't attend but can travel 8k miles for SIL.
• I have not had the easiest of childhoods or relationships with my own mother. I acknowledge this can play a part in my feelings.
• I always imagined she would be an amazing Grandma and support to me too. I would go as far as to say 3 years ago I would have had her in the delivery room.
• Other issue is FIL has disowned DH because he upset MIL by telling her to truth and protecting me. So I have no idea how we navigate any relationship even if I found the strength to try
• I just want to enjoy the family I make with my DH. I never ever thought I'd be lucky to live the life I do now.
• I don't want them ruining the birth of my 1st child, like they did my wedding.
• I also would like to reconcile for the sake of the baby.
• There are lots and lots of things that have been said and done on their part that would be far too outing to post. But it's been bad.

Should I remain LC/NC or try?

I understand why you may feel this way.

I know in my heart and soul. I was a good daughter in law, who was respectful and to a certain extent "knew her place". We all got along well. Until the ring. I proceeded to let her treat me like shit for 18 months to protect my husband. Until I snapped.

My husband won't see them without me if our child is involved.

Maybe I should accept they want nothing to do with our child. In which case I will not try to mend or bridge any part of the situation.

I don't think you should be comparing her commitment to you and her commitment to her daughter it's not the same. You went no contact with her and then are annoyed she travelled 8k miles to see her own daughter so cancelled the visit. That seems like you were jealous and broke the olive branch yourself there. That being said I wouldn't be dealing with any drama that close to giving birth, if they bring that much hassle I'd go LC for now and then nc if they don't bring you/your family any happiness.

It's not about the commitment to me.

But any grandchild is an equal counterpart. So my child should be just as important as any other grandchild. If they aren't, that's fine. But I won't subject my child to that favouritism.

I think this thread has answered what deep down I knew. Stay NC. A shame. But for the best.

Not annoyed they didn't ask after me in the slightest. Annoyed they didn't care about the welfare of their son or grandchild

Well you can't have it both ways. You decided to go NC and it appears that they are OK with this and accept that going forward they won't have a role in your lives.

It really does sound like you're annoyed that they aren't chomping at the bit to be invited back into your life.

The truth is your MIL seems to be close to her daughter and her daughter's child. She's not particularly interested in you and you clearly don't like her. If your husband wants some level of contact with his parents then leave that to him. If not, then just leave well enough alone.

Here’s what I’m having trouble with:

her trip had nothing to do with you. She’s not your labour coach. She has no reason to stick around just in case you gave birth (which you haven’t). So I don’t understand how you’re upset about that at all.

Your baby isn’t born yet, but you’re already saying she favours her other grandchild, who IS born over your unborn child.

Uh, yeah? Seems reasonable to me that she’d pay more attention to the child she can interact with vs the one she can’t?

Of course MIL loves SIL more than you. She’s her daughter.
As for your h, what was his relationship with his mum like before you? Was it up and down ? Were the good times linked to him doing what his mum said and accepting that his sister was the favourite ? If she’s the favourite then why would you try and change MIL’s behaviour of a lifetime ? If that is the case, you are setting yourself up for drama and upset which is madness.

If you don’t want drama then you should stick to NC. If your husband isn’t ready for that then he can deal with MIL and keep you out of it. Your desire to have a good relationship with MIL is allowing her to treat you badly.

Not all grandparents are good. If you and your h aren’t ready for NC then would MIL be easier to deal with in small doses. Seeing her once or twice a year might not be what you imagined but plenty of families operate like that and the infrequent contact means less drama and polite time together.

If they are accepting of NC. Why continue to send me birthday cards, gifts, Xmas etc. They leads me to believe they do want contact or they're just playing more games?!

I would happily never see them or speak to them again. But they are my husbands parents and my child's grandparents so it isn't that simple. I would be lying if I said I miss the relationships we all had before the ring but I know that will never be the same again.

The SIL and MIL are not close at all. Actually SIL is quite cruel to her and cold with her, which everyone knows. She already shouts at her over the baby.

And yes I do assume she favours, as she does with her son and daughter.

Thank you so much for reply.

On the surface he was a mummy's boy but they didn't upset me. I thought it quote endearing and she was never over the top. But the always said what one gets, so does the other. However, she is blatantly the favourite and that has been constructed from her issues with own DB growing up and being "lesser".
My husband is a good son, who loves his parents and treats them with respect whereas his sister does not.

Thank you so much again for your message. Actually sat here in tears. It makes sense. Thank you x

If they are accepting of NC. Why continue to send me birthday cards, gifts, Xmas etc. They leads me to believe they do want contact or they're just playing more games?!

Because that superficial level of contact is all they really desire? Doesn't take much thought or effort to pop a birthday card in the post.

My advice still stands: Let your husband initiate contact with his family if he wants to. Frankly it doesn't sound like they care much either way. They wouldn't be the first people to ignore a grandchild or favor one grandchild over another.

But it sounds like you do better when they are not involved in your life and I see no reason for you to bear the burden of trying to bring this dysfunctional family together.

Way too much drama here on all sides.

From experience. I wouldn’t try to reconcile. Stay NC. DH was no contact from his DF when we met. We married and had 3 DS’s. I saw DFIL in town one day, he looked old and sad. I convinced DH to reconcile and it was the worst decision I’ve ever made! I wish I’d kept my big fat mouth shut. He bullied my DH and DS’s. He was always friendly enough to me but I stood up for my family and he decided he didn’t like me any more. He went out of his way (and I mean put a huge amount of effort in) to try and destroy our marriage. After 3 years of his shit we went NC again. He later became ill and kept coming to our house looking for forgiveness, which we gave. It lasted 3 days before he was back to his old narcissistic bullying ways!

Tbh you and your husband sound like hard work. You had breakdowns over his parents not being interested enough in your wedding? Nothing you've said here sounds bad to me.

Why shouldn't his mum visit her daughter? If she's not required on the labour ward what do you need her hanging around for? She's not playing games by sending gifts, she's happy to do so.

Sounds like you and your husband love a bit of drama and his mum isn't giving you enough, by not being bothered with you two faffing about with on/off no contact. You both need to toughen up and stop being so melodramatic, you're about to be parents!!

you got pissy because she didn't go to see her own daughter at a time of your choosing.

Step back, go NC and let your DH decide what he does.

"I want to reconcile for the sake of the baby."

Don't attempt to do this. She's already shown you what she thinks of you.

Protect your own mental health for the sake of the baby, it's way way way more important and will be much much better for the baby. Look after yourself and protect yourself from her toxicity for the sake of the baby (and yourself).

We are quite the opposite of hard work.

As I've said previously, I'm not going to give specifics of their nasty, unnecessary behaviour towards us as it is outing.

The breakdowns were not over the wedding. It was the year of abuse we endured leading up to our wedding. Still trying to be good people and accommodate their every wish and demand.

I haven't seen ils for over 9 years.. Since ds was 3 months old. She snubbed her own dgs despite making effort with MY dc...much less stress in our lives now. No going back for us even if she begged..

there's way too much drama here and I don't think the MIL is to blame for all of it.

Yep. I really don't understand why this stuff is worth going NC. MIL going to visit her daughter who lives far away? Absolutely normal, even if it is close (ish) to DIL's due date. Bringing her and her baby back with her? Not remotely something for you to be jealous about @wishuponastarrr1 or to cancel a meetup over.

I'm wondering how much you and your husband's own mental health issues are factoring into your feelings and decision making. Because based on what you've said here, I can't see a reason to go fully NC.

I have already explained tthroughout the thread that they treated us very badly for over 18 months before I went no contact.

My MH has been great whilst no subject to the constant mind games of those 18 months.

What people don't understand is its death by a thousand cuts. All these things build up and up and up.

I’m afraid you’re going to have to give an example, Op. Not doubting you but the other behaviours you’ve listed don’t sound that bad in the scheme of things.

My husband won't see them without me if our child is involved.

Why? Is he not allowed?

The baby will be EBF and I'm key to the success of that. They also live multiple hours away by car/train.

Also, my DH is of the view that if you treat his wife badly you don't get lovely visits without her as a reward.

Honestly, now is not the time to try and rebuild a relationship. Stay NC, have a peaceful pregnancy, birth and take time to bond with your baby and learn with DH about how to be a parent.

This is not something you need to rush. You may decide when your child is 6 months old that you’d like to try. You might also decide that your happy with NC and not want to bother.

Don’t make big decisions or changes when you’re vulnerable, anxious or heightened by stress/hormones. Don’t give them another special moment in your life that you may regret. Give them (if you choose) a random Sunday in November where you have no emotional connection to it in case it doesn’t go as you wish.

Why are you desperate to have someone in your life that contributed to wanting to end yours?
You really think that such a person would add anything to your dc life? I don't get these threads where people try and force relationships onto children. If your dh doesn't end up having a relationship with her then that's his choice, don't take that on as your burden. You owe her nothing and actually you don't owe your dh that too. And most importantly you do not owe your child a toxic grandparent.

Thank you so much for this reply. Really helped me to put things into perspective. A random afternoon in November is where my head will at for the last little bit of my pregancy and my postpartum period. I think I am someone very easily affected by my hormones and of course right now they're everywhere so I need to get back to "me" before making any other big decisions. And of course enjoy our much wanted and adored new baby.

I know it sounds mad. But we did once have a very normal, good relationship... a part of misses that from time to time. I know that in reality it will never go back to that. However, hormones are very high at the moment.
Thank you for your reply.

People who are arseholes don’t magically become great grandparents and will expose your child to the same behaviours you went no contact for