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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD? school absence due to terminally ill relative.

75 replies

HeartBlueDay · 26/04/2024 19:51

My elderly aunt has just been placed on palliative care. I want to see her and give some support to my cousins as soon as I can get organised. I would probably need to take my child who is school age (& has an EHCP). I don't know if this is possible or reasonable, I do know if I don't go soon it will definitely be too late. Its about 400 miles.

OP posts:
StarbucksQueen1 · 26/04/2024 19:52

Hmm your elderly aunt isn’t a close family member of your son so I’m not sure the school will find this acceptable. But you could ask?

OhHelloMiss · 26/04/2024 19:53

How many school days will be missed?

pearlevu · 26/04/2024 19:54

Do you have to ask the school? Can't you just go and tell them that's where you are? They don't own you

Littlefish · 26/04/2024 19:56

It is likely to be recorded as unauthorised, but unless your ds's attendance is already really low, there's unlikely to be a fine.

Domino20 · 26/04/2024 19:58

pearlevu · 26/04/2024 19:54

Do you have to ask the school? Can't you just go and tell them that's where you are? They don't own you

This, just tell them and go. Children also need to learn about compassion and family values.

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 19:59

Just go. School might not like it, but they won't do anyhting if attendance is otherwise good.

Jeezitneverends · 26/04/2024 20:00

Littlefish · 26/04/2024 19:56

It is likely to be recorded as unauthorised, but unless your ds's attendance is already really low, there's unlikely to be a fine.

Who cares about authorised/unauthorised, this is about doing what’s right for the humans, not the statistics

MsMcGonagall · 26/04/2024 20:00

If you possibly can, see if there is another relative or a friend who could stay at your house to look after DS while you go?

ElleLeopine · 26/04/2024 20:03

How old is your child?

ToxicChristmas · 26/04/2024 20:03

I'm sorry OP, how sad.
Are you in the UK? If so it's Bank Holiday coming up, can you maybe take a day or two before or after so you can go down for 5 days? That limits the time off school.

Irishmama100 · 26/04/2024 20:03

You do what you want with your child. If that’s going 400miles and missing a few days of school you do that.

Fulshaw · 26/04/2024 20:07

Depends on a few things. How old
is your child? How much school are they likely to miss? Why have they got to go with you?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/04/2024 20:09

I would just go. You aren't prancing off to Disneyland, you're going to say goodbye to a dying relative and to support your cousins. I wouldn't hesitate, or worry what the school says (which in fairness will probably be nothing).

MsPringle · 26/04/2024 20:12

I'd go. If she's a close relative to you, I wouldn't care what the school says. This is far more important.

WhatWouldYouDo33 · 26/04/2024 20:15

depending on your child’s age I wouldn’t take them to see a relative under palliative care. My grandfather was recently and I did not bring the children. It was very sad and challenging and I wouldn’t want children to witness this at a young age. If you can leave your child at home.

Mandarinaduck · 26/04/2024 20:18

Just go, there’s nothing more important than supporting family at moments like this.

Original poster
HeartBlueDay · 26/04/2024 20:18

Thank you for all replies. Waiting isn't really an option, even if I left assp I might be too late (but these things are notoriously unpredictable). It's heartrending, she is a very close relative and the options for making the trip alone are tricky. I'm having a hard time working out what to do for the best.

OP posts:
StMarieforme · 26/04/2024 20:20

StarbucksQueen1 · 26/04/2024 19:52

Hmm your elderly aunt isn’t a close family member of your son so I’m not sure the school will find this acceptable. But you could ask?

Really? Grandparents sister not close?
Gosh. I adored my great aunt.

TheShellBeach · 26/04/2024 20:20

I think you should just go, OP, and take your child.
You won't get this time back.

NewLifter · 26/04/2024 20:21

You should go op, imagine your regret forever if you don't Flowers

weirdoboelady · 26/04/2024 20:21

I regard myself as an honest person, but I would also stress to the school that this great aunt is very close to your child and you feel it is essential for the child to say goodbye. Both of those are relative statements (pun not intended) and I don't feel family matters, where a child is normally a regular attender and there are no social concerns, are any of the school's business anyway.

MaggieFS · 26/04/2024 20:22

I am sorry about your aunt. I think taking your son to see your aunt is reasonable and understand why you need to go asap. I would do the same.

But taking additional time to support your cousins (whether before/after but additional to what is needed to see your aunt) is not reasonable.

yackingaway · 26/04/2024 20:22

Throw your things in the car and go! I have an elderly aunt who was like the grandmother I never had. If it was her, I'd 100% do the same. School work can be caught up on. Precious time with a terminally ill relative cannot!

elliejjtiny · 26/04/2024 20:24

I would go but at my dc school this would be an unauthorised absence. My grandad saw my dc 3 times a week but he wasn't considered a close enough relative for them to have the day off school for his funeral. Thankfully he was local and we were able to have the funeral at 3pm so we just picked up the dc a bit early but after the afternoon register.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/04/2024 20:24

Would you also be planning on attending the funeral, and if so how long would you be away for then ?

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