WWYD? school absence due to terminally ill relative.

[HeartBlueDay]

My elderly aunt has just been placed on palliative care. I want to see her and give some support to my cousins as soon as I can get organised. I would probably need to take my child who is school age (& has an EHCP). I don't know if this is possible or reasonable, I do know if I don't go soon it will definitely be too late. Its about 400 miles.

Sorry I think that came across as heartless which is not what I intended. Of course reasonable to support your cousins, but not if doing so in person causes your DC to miss even more school. Be available on the phone etc.

It’s your child. You just tell the school that you are visiting a terminally Ill relative

it will be recorded as unauthorised absence. That has no consequence on you whatsoever. It only impacts upon the schools targets

I would be amazed if they tried to fine you

I’ve just lost my dad and wasn’t with him when he died as I had to look after the DC. It’s not as bad as it sounds as I got to him for 2, week long visits in the month before he died, but I understand the juggle and conflicts. he was 500 miles away.

In a year no one will care about a couple of days missed from school. If you don’t follow your gut here and do whatever you think is right then you might regret it. At worst, you’ll get a fine. Can you afford to pay it if that happens?

Pack up and go OP. The fact that you are worrying and questioning this shows that you are a conscientious person and I'd bet your child rarely misses school.

Absolutely you should go and take your dc if you feel it's appropriate.

If covid and lockdown have taught me anything, it's to seize the moment and do what's right for you and your family.

Visiting a dying relative and supporting extended family absolutely trumps school attendance. It's important to model compassion and love to your children.
I really hate the culture of presenteeism. If your child knows where you are and why, leaving them behind will unsettle them even more. Education is much more than school attendance. It's about producing a functional, empathetic, well rounded human being.

Obviously what I'm talking about is occasional, one off incidents of absence, rather than simply not attending school every Thursday because you don't feel like it (I'm very aware that school refusal neuro-divergence /mental health is a completely separate and complex issue, and also not taken seriously enough or supported properly).

You don't say how old your child is - are they likely to find the situation upsetting? (Or worse, not find it upsetting and not understand why others might be upset).

If you take your child are they going to end up taking up all your time leaving you with limited capacity to actually support your cousins/aunt?

(Of course if you don't have any alternative, I understand it's a very tough decision).

That's awful.

Just tell the school there is a family situation/emergency and go. If you have google classroom ask them to put work on if your worried about that aspect. I’m sorry OP❤️

I would try to avoid taking your child, if at all possible. Is there no one that could have them?

If your aunt is on palliative care then quite possibly the last thing they want is a child around them. They may be in some pain, or very tired and not want or be able to try and mask this because there is a child around. It may be distressing for both your DC and your aunt. How much support can you offer your cousins if you also have a child to care for?

I'm very sorry about your aunt.

Mine missed about 3 weeks of school after my dad's diagnosis turned terminal, school were absolutely fine with it

I would go. If they fined me I would just pay the fine. Definitely just go. I'd you said even if you left asap you might not make it then honestly go as soon as possible

I would definitely go. IMO dying relatives trump the risks involved in a child missing a few days' school. Clearly you are close enough to your aunt and cousins to want to be there, and you count too.

I'm sorry to hear this is happening

I'd have already left by now. Go and be with your aunt. Sod what the school thinks, some things are more important than school.

I’d go immediately, worry about the school situation later. Your first consideration must be your relative (irrespective of what they are wrt to you, they mean a lot to you, so do what you need to do)

I guess in my opinion but also school probably!

I would think it would be classed as exceptional circumstances and be authorised. It would in our school.

Don’t ask. Tell them and go.

Obviously as your child has an EHCP which are difficult to achieve, there are already learning difficulties requiring SEP. How would this absence set your child back further ? What support is the EHCP giving you ? Things to think about as this is not just a standard child catching up with a few days list schooling

Please just go.
Saying goodbye to your family member is way more important than your child missing a handful of days of school.

School may or may not authorise it.
But don't worry about that right now.
For most children the odd unauthorised absence is irrelevant.

Does it matter?
In the grand scheme of things a few missed days of shh ch on isn't going to be an issue for the child.
Some things are more important, this includes saying goodbye to a terminally ill relative and going to their funeral.

Yes go with your child. Don't give it another thought 💭

Just go. Tell school where you are going and why. If they try to fine you I personally would reject to pay it and go to court, very good chance that it wouldnt be upheld.

Are your son and your aunt close? If not is there anyone who will be able to look after him for a couple of days so you can focus on your aunt?

Putting the school issue aside think carefully about whether seeing your aunt is the right thing for your child - or are you intending to leave your child with your cousins when you visit aunt?

I visited my grandad dying in hospital. He was a fraction of his former self (I could barely recognise him) and I was pretty traumatised. It's still the first thing I think of when I think of him. I wish I had the memory of my grandad as he was before.

It may not be ideal for the child, but it's something that OP needs to do. Presumably arrangements can be made so that OP's child doesn't need to spend time/a lot of time with OP's aunt, but OP needs to go and (IMO, anyway) her needs in relation to a dying relative are not outweighed by those of her child.