Baby Reindeer creator is provoking his stalker

[jengachampion]

SPOILERS AHEAD
I’ll preface this by saying I had a male stalker for 7 years. I moved, changed jobs, and deleted all social media in that time. I’m also a survivor of SA, as well as assault after being spiked, similar to RG in the show.

It completely baffles me that he would completely replicate his stalker down to physical likeness, occupation, accent, exact correspondences and references like hanging curtains.

He is clearly not too worried about people finding the real person, as well as her potentially contacting him again.

If it were me telling my story, I would change all identifying details of both of us, because I would NEVER want to go through it again. RG telling his story this way is hugely weird to me and really speaks to the theme of mutual obsession he hints at in the show.

Stalking victims are advised to mute not block the stalker as it can trigger them to lose a sense of ‘control’ and escalate their behaviour to seek them out in person and to more dangerous or violent tactics.

Furthermore the unwanted communications can be used as evidence in a criminal investigation and charge.

This is an interesting discussion and it's definitely an uncomfortable and disturbing watch, especially with the uncertainty over what's true and what's not.

My question is around the part where he stops his partner and friends from reporting to the police after the stalker physically assaults them. The partner says in the show that RG lied about reporting the assault.

This is the bit where I struggled to find understanding for his behaviour. I can see why maybe he didn't report his own experiences truthfully, but why did he feel he had the right to stop his partner from involving the police in seeking support after a violent assault? Did his partner have any support to deal with that?

It strikes me as controlling behaviour on the part of RG. And also shows him to be capable of lying about quite serious things to those he is close to. I don't know how closely these scenes reflect the reality of the situation, but I found them disturbing to watch.

But surely trying to change her ID was pointless anyway because one it was out that the actor was actually the victim the court case with her name would have been found , plus the previous conviction?

I think he has the right to tell his story and he his very honest about his own flaws throughout.

Here goes although I will be flamed.

RG is the author of his own misfortune; a misery merchant who is addicted to feeling abused. Perhaps there’s an element of masochism going on and I’m sure a psychiatrist would say it’s linked to his shame about his sexuality, but he seems to constantly throw himself back into the cycle of drama while treating everyone that actually cares about him like shit.

Hard to feel sorry for him, in fact I don’t really

Indeed. No flaming from me.

This thread really demonstrates female privilege. I doubt a female victim would be accused of provoking her stalker.

This thread shows why Gadd's show was necessary and it's very heartening to see it become so popular given the male victim blaming threads like this demonstrate.

Are you just an echo chamber now? 😂

I would say the same thing about a woman (even if it no doubt would receive more push back on here).

I don’t really believe in ‘victim shaming’ in the way some others do.

I think rather than the mentality of pure victim hood we need to acknowledge when somebody has done nothing to mitigate their own risk as well as punishing the perpetrator. Until the human nature is 100% good (never), we are responsible for taking reasonable measure for our own safety and well-being.

He had a huge array of options available to him that (for example) a person stuck living with their abuser does not have. At any time he could’ve given up that pub job (he didn’t like it anyway and since when is there a lack of hospitality jobs in London), moved house (seemed to do this pretty quickly when the landlady kicked him out), deleted his email address and blocked her on all social media. He had a caring girlfriend who he cheated on and neglected, yet he kept going back and back to that seedy old pervert’s house for free drugs and a trip down victim lane. He had family in Scotland who he ignored because he was too busy living his cool and sexually liberated life even if it apparently ‘made him feel like shit’.

Don’t tell me he wasn’t addicted to the drama because he blatantly was

Gadd's story will hopefully prompt more people to call out toxic women.

Previous abuse had affected his self esteem and judgement. Abuse is sadly complex.

Does that apply to the perpetrators as well?

Because you just made that up in your head.
This is about one man, it's not about male victims being told they're provoking stalkers versus female victims who get sympathy.

Did you even watch the show?
Because if you did then it's blindingly obvious why some people might think he is he trying to provoke a response....pretending otherwise is disingenuous to the extreme.

Because people who sexually abused were often abused themselves. And in that same vein, should his ex now make a series ‘calling out’ her ex who messed with her head, was emotionally cold and cheated on her by continually returning to a flat where he knew sexual activity would take place?

I doubt a female victim would write a play, a book of the play* or a Netflix adaptation of the play. They'd be too scared to.

In the play, at least he made her Irish.

I do still feel sorry for him as it happens.
Especially as, in the space of a week, we've gone from potential Emmy nominee to the audience questioning the veracity of his work or motives in writing it.

I think his writing is exceptional.
I also think some casting and artistic choices are problematic for all.
Both things can be true and therein lies the rub.

That all this has kicked off in Stalking Awareness Week and that it has turned some of his audience me into becoming obsessed with the whole thing - the irony is not lost on me.

*Transcript available to buy on Amazon. I enjoyed it as a companion piece to the series but I enjoy work on stage. You won't find much new in it but if you didn't get chance to see it performed pre lockdown then it's worth a read.

Do you have sympathy for male victims of abuse? (Or does it depend on "context")

Ofcourse, sadly abuse is a cycle.

Though I think the scale of behavior is not comparable. If you think a man being a bit of a d1ck is the same as a woman threatening to stab someone and their family, then that's the problem.

It doesn't seem like there was a court case. She didn't go to prison anyway.

Why are you still going on about female privilege.
Repugnant as a previous poster said.

Just vile.

You can keep saying that but it's true. One poster outright said they would not believe a male victim as much as a female.

So I say it again: Female Privilege

We've been over that!

Are you doing anything yourself for male victims of abuse or do you just bleat on and on on mumsnet?

She explained why that was and the reason was about as far from female privilege as you can get as you well know.

In the program he received support from women (including his ex girlfriend), and abuse from men.
I'd like to see discussions where men accept they have responsibility towards victims, and will stop shaming men for reporting abuse.

Women go out of their way to avoid provoking their stalker. I have never heard of a woman creating a Roman à clef TV show using the stalker’s actual tweets that are easily identifiable to out him by proxy. It would simply be too fucking dangerous. And if she thought of it her friends would advise her it was too fucking dangerous.