With Friends like this, who needs enemies?

[Frenemy432]

Is it too much to ask that friends are pleased for you when you have good news? I have a friend who I have known since we met when we were both pregnant with DC. We were close for years, but now largely keep in touch on WhatsApp as now live some distance apart.

I have just had news that DD (uni student) has managed to secure a summer internship. She had applied to about 40 different companies before being successful. A massive amount of effort. The hope is that it might lead to a job.

When I mentioned this to my friend, her reaction was that DD has chosen a high pressure field, so "Let's see if she will be able to deal with the stress". My friend also went onto say that nothing comes without a price. She was basically saying that the potential for good earnings in DD's chosen field is counteracted by the fact that the stress will be likely to make her life miserable.

I had also mentioned that my DS will finish his degree this year. Friend's response was to bring up the fact that DS had to have a year's break mid-degree due to anxiety.

I honestly feel that I have been delighted when friend's DC have done well. I have known them for years and genuinely feel invested in them being happy. I feel that it is a bit of a let down when you realise that some friends are only happy when you have bad news to tell them.

You’re exactly correct, she’s not a friend. Congratulation to your DD and DS. 😊

I had also mentioned that my DS will finish his degree this year. Friend's response was to bring up the fact that DS had to have a year's break mid-degree due to anxiety.

Well there’s a world of difference between, “blimey, you must be relieved after him being a snowflake in Y2” and “ah love, that’s relief for you, so glad he made it through.”

You’ve been friends for 20 years! Close friends. Has she changed?

so this kind of response is completely out of character for them? and in all the years of friendships they’ve not demonstrated this kind of thoughtlessness?

when was the last time you actually saw this person as opposed to whatsapp?

A friend will help you to move house.
A good friend will help you to move a body.
😉

Pure jealousy. I’ve got one I’ve known since we were 11. We are retired now and she’s got more and more bitter and resentful the older we’ve got. She’s made some poor choices. Has never taken any advice on board and has always dug her heels in. I don’t think she’s a “friend”; she’s someone I’ve known a long time. Anything nice in my life she’ll ignore and won’t ask about or comment on. Anything shit that happens you can see the glee.

@ClairemacL Thank you! That is really kind of you!

@Testinaand @silenttwin My friend probably hasn't changed that much over the years. I think that when friends are fun, it is sometimes a case of turning a blind eye to things at times. I think that my friend's comments particularly upset me on this occasion as they are about my DC.

@silenttwin Last saw my friend in person a year ago.

Very true!

it’s a mumsnet “friendship”

ie neither party really seems to like the other

I think that you are right. If someone doesn't wish you well, they aren't a friend at all. Just someone you have known for a while.

Sadly, I did think that she liked me. She obviously doesn't😥

Sounds quite rude. Does she have kids? Are they achieving the things she wishes for them? She must be jealous. How hard is it to say 'that's great, s/he deserves it. You must be delighted.'
If they have genuine concerns then that can be brought up in conversation later on.

She sounds jealous.

Maybe not give her any more news.

My friend has two DSs. As far as I know, she is happy with what both her DSs are doing. Both her DSs have had a few challenges to overcome in life, but are both settled in good jobs now.

I had one like this we had been friends since we were 14. Any good news she was negative. I told her about my pregnancy and the first thing she said was "what in that small house of yours". Got to say life has been much better without her!

I turned 50 this year and shed all friendships like this one. The people who have to rain on my parade are not real friends. The ones that like to sting me out of the blue have gone too, and my life is so much more peaceful for it.

I felt so upset by this WhatsApp message that I haven't responded at all. I feel like saying how I feel, but maybe it's better to just leave her message on "Read" without a response of any kind.

Just to go against the grain, is she maybe trying to tell you something?

She's mentioned both your kids dealing with stress and anxiety. Is she possibly thinking that you pressure them too much, that they've taken a high pressure route because they feel the need to please you.

I may be completely off track and she's just jealous but if she's usually a good friend and this is out of character for her then it might be worth trying to work out the intention behind the words.

Yanbu, yes they do exist. It's clear as day her jealousy seeps through. I would actually just drop the friendship altogether. Well done to your dc on their achievements.

@heartbrokenof and @GreatSquareNova It seems there are quite a few of us who have had very negative friends! Well done GreatSquareNova for shedding people in your life who don't spark joy. I am thinking that I will have to do the same.

Ah, thank you so much!

@Testinaand @silenttwin My friend probably hasn't changed that much over the years. I think that when friends are fun, it is sometimes a case of turning a blind eye to things at times.

So she’s made jealous comments in the past too?

Wow there's jealously and then there's bringing down other people's kids out of jealousy. Whole other level. I'd just say "thanks for being happy for her." with the curt full stop and leave her to work out whether you're being sarcastic or not.

This would still be shitty! That isn't how good friends communicate.

Of course it's still shitty. But sometimes good people fuck up.