With Friends like this, who needs enemies?

[Frenemy432]

Is it too much to ask that friends are pleased for you when you have good news? I have a friend who I have known since we met when we were both pregnant with DC. We were close for years, but now largely keep in touch on WhatsApp as now live some distance apart.

I have just had news that DD (uni student) has managed to secure a summer internship. She had applied to about 40 different companies before being successful. A massive amount of effort. The hope is that it might lead to a job.

When I mentioned this to my friend, her reaction was that DD has chosen a high pressure field, so "Let's see if she will be able to deal with the stress". My friend also went onto say that nothing comes without a price. She was basically saying that the potential for good earnings in DD's chosen field is counteracted by the fact that the stress will be likely to make her life miserable.

I had also mentioned that my DS will finish his degree this year. Friend's response was to bring up the fact that DS had to have a year's break mid-degree due to anxiety.

I honestly feel that I have been delighted when friend's DC have done well. I have known them for years and genuinely feel invested in them being happy. I feel that it is a bit of a let down when you realise that some friends are only happy when you have bad news to tell them.

@Bobbotgegrinch I don't really think that my friend's comments come from a well intentioned place. If my parents had said the same comments, I would have known that they meant well and were just concerned about the happiness of their grandchildren. Don't think the same can be said of my friend.
Sadly, as a PP said, I feel that at the back of it, my friend can't actually like me very much and it has taken this long for me to realise.

Fair enough. As I said, I just wanted to play devils advocate, and you know you're friend better than we do.

Same. I cut frenemys out without a second thought.

@Lassiata Love that response! I am thinking of using it!

She has, but not usually about my DC. I think that when someone is negative about DC it cuts deep.

It sounds like your friend is jealous. Unless she’s that sort of draining person who picks holes in anything positive. Let it go, maybe pull away from her a bit and bask in how wonderful and successful your kids are x

I think her reaction to your good news is disappointing. A poor show from her. But I wouldn't assume she doesn't like you though. It sounds like there's some shit going on with her own kids and she's being a self absorbed about that. It seems that that is prompting her to take a bleak view of everything.

Congratulations to your DC.

Not nice comments at all OP; she sounds very jealous. What's wrong with 'that's great news OP; you must be so proud blah blah'. I'd be upset by this.

I did wonder whether the jealousy came from the fact that her kids haven't been successful but you say that they are both ok (now) so this isn't a case of 'one upmanship' on your behalf.

If it were me, I wouldn't bother responding to her message. Silence often says far more.

There must be parts of her life she's unhappy with and it will magnify her own problems seeing you happy and your children successful.
Some people only feel good if others have it worse than them.
She's not a friend.

Thank you 😀

Thanks all for your supportive comments. I do appreciate it.
@Watchthedoormat @Projectme @vincettenoir @ThisNoisyTealLurker

Christ. I'd leave her on read. For about 30 years. You need radiators in your life OP, not drains.

Being totally honest, I think it is pretty normal (or at least not unusual) to feel a momentary twinge of jealously when good things (no matter how hard earned) happen to good friends. Especially if they touch on an area of life where we have suffered disappointment ourselves, or if their life in general has been a smoother road than our own.

But to let that jealously leak out in snipey comments is really shitty and not the actions of a good friend.

you don’t seem too keen on her
so no loss

this was two friends?

Exactly and there is a big difference. She hasn’t got my best interests at heart x

Perfectly put x

No. Just the one person.

Thank you for your insightful post.

"You need radiators in your life OP, not drains" I'm going to remember this expression! I like it 😃

I've noticed this on other Mumsnet threads that if you express disappointment with any aspect of a friend's behaviour, it is said that you obviously don't like them. I don't think that this is true. It is perfectly possible to like someone overall, but dislike certain things that they do.
However, on this occasion, you could be right. Dissing my DC is probably a step too far and I am struggling to feel much warmth towards my friend at this moment in time.

However, on this occasion, you could be right.

and it was on “this” occasion that i thought that viewpoint was relevant

Love this!

Unfortunately I've noticed this more and more over the years.

I had lots of friends who I considered close. I supported the, through all sorts of traumas and dramas and although in hindsight they weren't as supportive back it seems they saw me as a safety net with regards DC because mine has a genetic condition. I cheered their DCs on from the sidelines through throw achievements for years.

Now ds is doing extremely well and excelling in a chosen sport with a good job I don't get the same cheering back.

The most satisfying thing is distancing yourself. They soon realise they were on to a good thing with you because you didn't ask for anything back but they ruined it by not offering.

Congratulations to your DS. It is heart warming when they achieve well, despite having to overcome obstacles on the way.

I had this with my best friend we had been friends since kids. Any good news for cheer her on praise her ect any good news for me snipey comments and then blanked she couldn't bring herself to give anything positive. Cut her off in the end. It really hurt actually but she's not the friend you thought she was. Have to say I'm much happier without her negativity.
Cut her out op you deserve better.