With Friends like this, who needs enemies?

[Frenemy432]

Is it too much to ask that friends are pleased for you when you have good news? I have a friend who I have known since we met when we were both pregnant with DC. We were close for years, but now largely keep in touch on WhatsApp as now live some distance apart.

I have just had news that DD (uni student) has managed to secure a summer internship. She had applied to about 40 different companies before being successful. A massive amount of effort. The hope is that it might lead to a job.

When I mentioned this to my friend, her reaction was that DD has chosen a high pressure field, so "Let's see if she will be able to deal with the stress". My friend also went onto say that nothing comes without a price. She was basically saying that the potential for good earnings in DD's chosen field is counteracted by the fact that the stress will be likely to make her life miserable.

I had also mentioned that my DS will finish his degree this year. Friend's response was to bring up the fact that DS had to have a year's break mid-degree due to anxiety.

I honestly feel that I have been delighted when friend's DC have done well. I have known them for years and genuinely feel invested in them being happy. I feel that it is a bit of a let down when you realise that some friends are only happy when you have bad news to tell them.

Thanks for this insight. It seems that there are a fair few of us who have had this situation with friends.

I think the majority of people find it hard to be genuinely pleased for others.

As if other people shining brightly dims their own light. It doesn't work like that.

She's not a friend, op. She's a jealous sourpuss.

Your dcs have done really well. Revel in that and be proud.

Thank you 🙂

I have an ex friend 30 year friendship.

Both our daughters are exactly the same age 17.

Hers went to a top private London school with royalty
Mine went to the local outstanding state and then scholarship to top indie school comments over the years. Friend is highly wealthy I am not. :

bloody hell x is so determined and you need to watch that - she’s just wilful
why is x doing …, activity eg Horseriding you can’t afford it as a single parent I can but you need to watch your money
its such a shame x never had a holiday in the uk or abroad as your finances don’t allow it
why are you letting x do so many activities after school she will burn out and you can’t afford it
why is x not able to relax like a normal teenager might is always out with her mates
Why has x really never tried smoking is that because you are so strict
what’s wrong with x why is she so focussed on her work you need to watch that

etc

Christ on a bike my daughter could do nothing right - her last hair cut was better, her skin needs sorting all etc, why don’t you tell her to wear make up etc all the fucking time.

it was dire. 3 years ago I warned her and then binned her. I just can’t be arsed. Her daughter (no comparison) stopped going to school, sadly had developed alcoholic problems and didn’t sit her GCSEs. This is not hers is better than mine or vice versa but they are children. But looking back my friend was projecting Her insecurities on to mine . Very happy to have no contact now.

Blimey! Your friend sounds even more negative than mine. You definitely did the right thing by stopping engaging with her.

She sounds like a right miserable cow.

I'd just cut her off. She's not a friend.

I think some people genuinely find it hard to feel pleased for others, or even to pretend that they are. Could be jealousy, insecurity, competitiveness, low self-esteem, all sorts of things. I don't think your friend's response makes her an 'enemy' as such, but I probably wouldn't bother sharing good news with her again, particularly if her reaction gets to you.

I had a friend like this. Constant condescending comments. I binned her off in the end as just couldn’t be arsed with it all.

Thanks everyone who has commented since I last logged in. All your views are greatly appreciated.

@Tuesday03 You are right. There has been a number of low points over the years. Now I am thinking about it, my friend was very negative when my DD applied for specific universities where their degrees are more widely recognised abroad. DD is hoping to try and work outside the UK in future. My friend was very disparaging about this saying that it doesn't pay to plan too far ahead and "A degree is a degree". I was somewhat stung by friend's reaction at the time, but stuck up for DD's point of view. We drew a line under our differences of opinion and moved on.

There has been other stuff too over the years. Too many instances to mention really.

I think I need to be realistic and realise that having this "Friend" in my life does not make me happy. Over the years, my friend has on many occasions gone into battle with both family members and certain friends. She is very vicious if she deems that she has been wronged. I am pretty unconfrontational in nature and so generally our friendship has ticked along with the occasional hiccup.

Anyways, I have left my friend's message on "Read" and will not be responding to it. If I enter into dialogue with her, she would not doubt just double down anyway and go into more detailed negativity.

Now you're asking!
She came to my wedding, so I guess that counts as celebrating with me!
I haven't had too many traumas over the years thankfully, so haven't needed her support as such.
Friend has had a lot of issues to deal with in life. I have lent a sympathetic ear over the years.
I don't see her much now as we no longer live near each other and also she has a new partner so is fairly busy anyway.

Might sound a bit bleak, but I suspect the majority of our friends are really frenemies. You're lucky if you get one or two friends in your whole life who genuinely love and and care about you and are happy for your success.

This is food for thought..

@Hartley99 this is probably true or very close to the truth. We evolved in tribes where there was a lot of competition for resources and not always enough resources to go around. Some of that doesn’t leave us, even in a more civilised society.

It does. There are plenty like that on this very site. If someone mentions that they are happy for any reason, these people immediately jump up to say that they're lying to themselves and that everything sucks. It is extremely draining.

I don't agree with that at all. I have had frenemies in the past, but I have cut them out PDQ and they have been a minority of my friends.

Some people are fairweather friends.
Some people are foulweather friends.
Some people are allweather friends.

Accept the first as they are common, avoid the second as they enjoy your troubles, and treasure the third as they are the best and rarest.