Friend constantly cancelling plans

[Joder]

Hi All,

I'm a busy mum with a full time job so as you can imagine my down time is very scarce!

I have a friend who is constantly making dates for coffee with me and then cancelling on the day! I am beyond frustrated at this point, as I make arrangements for my kids to be minded.

She's gotten so bad that I don't even bother making childcare arrangements anymore as I know she will cancel!

If I keep saying no, she moans she never sees me.

I feel like just cutting her off now. Would I be unreasonable for this?

I just feel shes very high maintenance. She doesn't work and her kids are grown up, so she texts everyday and is always looking for 'favours' (lifts to places as she doesn't drive and lately she has started looking for money). I am drained!!

Next time you agree to do something be sure to cancel first. Particularly if it’s a favour you’re doing her (like a lift). Better even, cut her out if she is bringing you so much negativity. Life is too short.

we are an older couple, our children are grown and we had a similar issue with SIL.

we would make plans, sometimes we instigated them, others it was her and her husband and you could guarantee a day before of the night before we would get a message..

sorry can't make it, or i've got a migraine (which is fair enough if she didnt then post on her socials the fun she was having with someone else).

events cancelled included holidays, concerts, meals... it didnt matter to her about the cost, she just walked away from the money.

in the end we did sit down together as ask what the issue was, she then stated 'i'm just very busy' ...

I have stopped making plans, I dont even contact her now, as she's hubbies sister i leave it all to him.. my life is much less stressful without her in it

My "friend" did this also for a number of months. Cancelled our weekly meet ups with the kids on very short notice. My DS is autistic so the change in plans was making him distressed.

In the end, I just stopped making plans. I stopped reaching out. I hadn't heard from her for MONTHS until recently.

Turns out, she got a new boyfriend, so a lot of her time was now being dedicates to him instead. It did annoy me when I found out as even if I have a partner, I make time for my friends.

She contacted me a couple of days ago asking could we book a weekend away in a few months time, she's only done this as she recently posted up photos from her weekend away with her boyfriend.

I told her no, that I wouldnt have the money for it.

I agree that as a full time working mum, with little free time, your time is valuable and I dont waste it anymore on flaky people.

I'd just stop contacting her and the next time she asked to meet say, 'I'm not prepared to make plans with you because you constantly cancel, which is rude and irritating when I've arranged childcare. You're too flaky to meet up with. Sorry'.

Ignore any requests for favours, by the way. Friendship is two way - and she's not offering anything.

What are her reasons for cancelling? I'm intrigued.

This.

I'd bin her off, she sounds like a nightmare to be fair.

I feel like just cutting her off now. Would I be unreasonable for this?

No.

Shes a cunt.

Tell her that, then block her ass.

Live happily ever after. It is that simple.

Hmm why is she cancelling, does she say?
Do you think ‘something better is coming up’? Or Is she socially anxious?

I think your life looks way more busy and yet you manage to make the effort so you’d be well entitled to walk away. Don’t like the sound of her looking for endless favours and to borrow money either tbh.

I just feel shes very high maintenance. She doesn't work and her kids are grown up, so she texts everyday and is always looking for 'favours' (lifts to places as she doesn't drive and lately she has started looking for money).

She's using you. I mean, seriously? Looking for money!?

Just ditch her.

Its not clear if you're giving her the favours she's asking for or not - I'm hoping not given she's complaining she doesnt see you but if she does stop that asap!

If you WANT to stay friends with her I'd give her one more chance but tell her "Look every single time we've tried to arrange this coffee you've cancelled, if you cancel it again this time I'm not going to bother in future."

If you're not bothered about staying friends I'd be tempted to do as the pp said - agree to give her a lift then cancel last minute with a 'see how it feels' then block her number. Depends on how petty you want to be!

Did you give her any money?

It's such a shame when this happens. I had a friend for years who would always cancel the night before or on the day or not even turn up at all! This happened every single time. I would even message her the evening before to check she was still on for a coffee....radio silence. Her eventual excuse when she would phone later that day, or even leave a voice message, was that either the car was in the garage or her dad had been taken into hospital. Every. Single. Time.
I had to stop contact, wished her and her dad well but not to phone me anymore. I was so hurt. I think sometimes you just have to let flaky friends go and concentrate on the ones that are there for you x

My strategy for these types is this: when they text to ask to meet up, I invite them to join me in something I already plan to do. That way, if they don't turn up or cancel, it's not inconvenienced me.

@Joder

I just feel shes very high maintenance. She doesn't work and her kids are grown up, so she texts everyday and is always looking for 'favours' (lifts to places as she doesn't drive and lately she has started looking for money). I am drained!!

So a person who does want work, has no small children to take into account is asking the busy person, with a busy full time job and children who need childcare is asking you constantly wasting your time, asking for lifts, dropping out of arrangements and now she's asking you for money.

I wouldn't spend any more energy on this and would certainly not lend or give money to her. She can either get a job, any job, to pay her way and/or ask her adult children for money and lifts. Time to back away and lose her number, OP. 🌹

Next time she asks to make plans say “Sorry, you’ve cancelled the last X times on me and I don’t believe this time will be any different”

Cut her off. Life is too short

I'd be honest that you aren't making arrangements because she nearly always cancels them and you have to arrange childcare and feel messed about by her. If it's just coffee and you like her just invite her round for a coffee

As she's looking for money and favours constantly I'd dump her. If she's short of cash she won't have money for coffee anyway. She could fill her time by getting a job

Drop her like a hot brick. Flaky shit.

You are neither her priority nor her friend... sadly just a free lift.
I'd knock it on the head and not be available for coffee and certainly not free lifts

Have you asked why she does this and told her how it causes you problems.
She may ( or may not ) just be thoughtless and think its fine with you.
I'd listen to her first of all. If it carries on after you've said something, kick her to the kerb!

She's using you and probably only committing to meeting if there's anything she wants( I'm really sorry to put it like that)
Your time is precious and should be spent on friendships which are a two way street
YANBU just dump her and don't look back.

@oldgreysquirreltest that's my strategy too

I only have one flaky friend. She's welcome to join another friend and me for a walk, but I wouldn't make arrangements to see her one her own, or book eg theatre tickets for her